WARNING! THIS BLOG MAY BE LONG
It is only two days from my eagerly anticipated departure for Europe. Yesterday I was watching a short DVD from Rick Steves about traveling tips and got all excited. Have you ever been just living life and all of a sudden a huge smile sneaks up and pastes itself all over your face? For minutes or even hours after that you couldn't put it away. That happens to me a lot. Mostly on days that I fly, but sometimes just for completely random events or thoughts. Yesterday had one of those times. This big grin just appeared out of no where and stuck around for quite a while.
I am getting excited about leaving. For a number of reasons, but before I get into them, let me go back and write about something that has been on my mind for a number of days and I just never put in the time to put into words those thoughts.
I have to go back and tell you a bit about my Persian Excursion. I spent over 13 months in lovely South West Asia. The details of my time there is a whole other blog and I will spare you most the them. While I was there, I had the opportunity to write, consistently, to a wonderful young lady that I had never met, at least not in person. On the next to last day before leaving the States, in desperation, I signed up with one of those on-line dating sites and connected with this girl. I will call her Cara to protect the innocent. Cara and I wrote tons of letters, hundreds of emails, and talked on the phone a few brief times. Again, I won't go into details but I do have a point.
I said that I sought out this relationship ship in desperation, and that is true. As I was getting ready to head off to war, I realized that few if any of my friends or relatives would write me. My family is not a writing family. My friends actually surprised me tremendously and kept a fairly extensive dialog going. (Kudoos to Erika, Sarah, Mike, Rich, the Cairns, the Hoyts, Grandma, and others) But before I knew that, I was very worried that I would spend the entire year there and have little if any contact with the world I left behind. When Cara came along, it was much more than I expected and she ended up being one of the rocks that really helped me. The thing is, and this seems a little selfish looking back, but it was great to have someone else in the world that cared. Someone that was interested in what I had to say and how I felt. I am full of words. I surprise myself in how much I want to talk. Surprised because I am not a people person.
This self analysis goes deeper into my own psyche than I want to, but growing up, I always considered myself a people person. Over the years and especially since really turning my life over to Jesus, I have come to see that I have, again and again, fooled myself. I wouldn't say I am introverted, I just like being alone, which is why it is so weird that I talk a lot. Even now, I am probably saying too much. I have even been told that I am too open and honest and forthright with my emotions and that has hurt me in the arena of guy/girl relationships. Does anyone else find it unusual that an open guy would be a turn off for certain girls? I don't know.
This brings me to my actual point of this blog. It is about the blog itself. Back in Iraq, I was able to write to Cara and know that she cared and I could spill into her letters all the words that I had stored up during many, many, many, lonely hours in the wilderness. Cara is not a part of my life today so this blog has become some what of a substitute. I can write these words and pour out to all of you my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Ironically, there is a bit of fantasy involved because I don't know how many, if anyone, actually reads this. I know my parents do, and other people have told me that they will follow my journey, but there is really no concrete face. The fantasy comes in when I just imagine that there is someone like Cara out there that cares and is interested.
This is good for me in a selfish sort of way. I think all people, Americans especially, are general closed individualists. There are a million reasons why I think this is true, but they all boil down to sin. God created us for fellowship, notably with Him, and so sin has done to us the opposite of God's intentions. I am no different and can isolate myself and avoid human and Godly interactions with the best of them. This blog is certainly a way to express my inner child.
This brings me to a bigger point about blogs themselves. They are both good and bad in that they allow normally closed people to truly open up, but they also, if taken to extremes can allow someone to live completely in a fantasy world.
Think of this scenerio. A dude lives alone. He is compensated because he works for a company telecommuting or even with his own on-line company. My friend Adam has his own on-line company (and a wife for that matter so he isn't the best example) and I was at his place the other day. We were talking about how the Internet and an answering machine has allowed him to establish the appearance of a large company when really it is only him and two others. So this dude, not Adam, lives well. He orders from Albertsons.com, plays World of Warcraft, works and eats without ever seeing another human, and lives his entire adult life alone. Netfix has replaced the video store, Amazon the book store. Any major retailer worth their salt is on-line so the world is literately at your finger tips like the well worn keys of a Dell Inspiron. He can do this and never feel lonely because an entire existence has been created in the world of fantasy. Is that good? Maybe? Maybe not?
There is a book out there called, Bowling Alone, by Robert Putman. I have never read it but heard the author once on the radio. His premise is that Americans no longer have the social capital they used to and that is a bad thing. Like I said, I never read it, but he may have a point. Maybe I should read it.
Maybe I should end this blog and go watch Friday Night Lights. I think I will. Shoot, I never even got to my reasons for smiling. That will just have to be another blog.
Until then and tomorrow.
Jason
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