Because it breeds distrust among all involved!
Johnny, Sally, and Freddy are talking about the recent football game. The home team is struggling as of late and no one in the city is happy. Freddy gets a call and then says his goodbyes. Immediately after he is out of ear shot, Johnny turns to Sally and gives her that look. She nods understandingly as they start talking about how Johnny’s life is just going down the toilet. He is so stupid to not recognize what he is doing and how nobody likes him any more.
Johnny, Sally, and Freddy are talking about the recent football game. The home team is struggling as of late and no one in the city is happy. Sally gets a call and then says her goodbyes. Immediately after she is out of ear shot, Freddy turns to Johnny and gives him that look. He nods understandingly as they start talking about how Sally’s life is just going down the toilet. She is so stupid to not recognize what she is doing and how nobody likes her any more.
Change the names, change the subject, you have all heard something similar, made eye contact in the same way portraying your disgust. It is gossip, no big deal. What Freddy/Sally doesn’t know doesn’t hurt them, right? Well consider this. As Johnny and Sally are talking about Freddy, both are wondering what the other says about them behind their backs. Sure, in the moment Freddy is the butt of the jokes, but would if Sally had left first, clearly Johnny and Freddy had no problems sink the knife deeply into her back, and if Johnny left, same result. In the end, all three of them trust no one. They doubt the sincerity of any compliment, they wonder everyday what others are saying behind their back. They are isolated, miserable.
Gossip isn’t about telling lies or spreading rumors, it is about trust, or lack there of. Without trust you don’t have relationship, you have pseudo relationship. You don’t have intimacy, you have masks and ruses.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Monday, November 6, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Sincerity
The University Christian Union, UCU, has a meeting each Monday night of the school year. Maybe I should back up and tell you what the UCU is, but that is irrelevant, so in the name of brevity, I will simply say it is a bunch of college students, guys and girls, living in separate, adjacent houses. Last Monday during the meeting, we were talking about “Thoughts for Young Men” – JC Ryle. One of the guys, Michael, mentioned a cultural difference between Americans and Chinese. He said that if you ask someone from China how they are doing, the likely response will be a pause while they truly consider it, then a thoughtful answer.
In America, you ask someone how they are doing as a matter of courtesy, a salutation as it were, and hope they don’t respond with the truth. That is harsh; I do not mean to denigrate my culture, but there are some curious aspects to this. But I wonder, what are the greetings of other cultures? I mean, what do they mean? Bok is common in Croatia. Tcush is used in Bavaria, Southern Germany, Ciao in Italy, Cheers in England, Bonjour in France, Ahnyoung in Korea, Conichiwa in Japan, Oi in Portugal to name a few. And after looking at this list I realize that they aren’t exactly the phrases I am meaning to reference, but you get the point. Do the greetings of other cultures mimic ours in that they are questions of the person’s state of being or presence? Just curious.
“What’s uuuuuuuuup?”, as popularized by beer, “What’s going down?” “How you doin? (said deeply with an Italian accent)” “What’s new?” “How’s it hanging?” “What’s going on?” You have heard these today, probably more than once. What I am curious about is if our language has morphed into this form of greeting and if so why? What are the roots of it? Did we at one time find it necessary to ask these type of questions out of sincere interest in the other person and from then until now it has digressed into what it is today? I say digressed not to state my opinion, but for lack of vocabulary, I could very easily have said progressed. Let’s talk about progress... Next time.
Where has this train of thought come from? My own reflection on my own sincerity. I am trying to be more sincere. I feel like I water down or denigrate my own desires when I say things like those above. I can not possibly want to know how everyone I meet, the stranger in the elevator, is doing. I shouldn’t. So why do I ask them? In some way I see this as “crying wolf,” so if I can delineate my greetings and really say what I mean, then maybe I will mean what I say.
At times I know I fit right into the culture of insincerity and selfishness, a sad truth of who I am, but not who I want to be. If I ask you how you are doing, 1) you have my permission to answer honestly, 2) you have my permission to ask me if I really want to know and put me on the spot, 3) you can just say fine and I probably won’t know the difference.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
In America, you ask someone how they are doing as a matter of courtesy, a salutation as it were, and hope they don’t respond with the truth. That is harsh; I do not mean to denigrate my culture, but there are some curious aspects to this. But I wonder, what are the greetings of other cultures? I mean, what do they mean? Bok is common in Croatia. Tcush is used in Bavaria, Southern Germany, Ciao in Italy, Cheers in England, Bonjour in France, Ahnyoung in Korea, Conichiwa in Japan, Oi in Portugal to name a few. And after looking at this list I realize that they aren’t exactly the phrases I am meaning to reference, but you get the point. Do the greetings of other cultures mimic ours in that they are questions of the person’s state of being or presence? Just curious.
“What’s uuuuuuuuup?”, as popularized by beer, “What’s going down?” “How you doin? (said deeply with an Italian accent)” “What’s new?” “How’s it hanging?” “What’s going on?” You have heard these today, probably more than once. What I am curious about is if our language has morphed into this form of greeting and if so why? What are the roots of it? Did we at one time find it necessary to ask these type of questions out of sincere interest in the other person and from then until now it has digressed into what it is today? I say digressed not to state my opinion, but for lack of vocabulary, I could very easily have said progressed. Let’s talk about progress... Next time.
Where has this train of thought come from? My own reflection on my own sincerity. I am trying to be more sincere. I feel like I water down or denigrate my own desires when I say things like those above. I can not possibly want to know how everyone I meet, the stranger in the elevator, is doing. I shouldn’t. So why do I ask them? In some way I see this as “crying wolf,” so if I can delineate my greetings and really say what I mean, then maybe I will mean what I say.
At times I know I fit right into the culture of insincerity and selfishness, a sad truth of who I am, but not who I want to be. If I ask you how you are doing, 1) you have my permission to answer honestly, 2) you have my permission to ask me if I really want to know and put me on the spot, 3) you can just say fine and I probably won’t know the difference.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Monday, October 9, 2006
Thanks Erika
Erika told me how to change the dates of a blog so now you will have to go back in blog time and find the two posts.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Saturday, October 7, 2006
That is all
There wasn't nearly as many posts as I thought and as you can tell, I couldn't figure out how to change the dates.
Warning
I mentioned that I am going to post some old blogs. Here is the deal though, they are not finished, and never will be. Most of these I wrote late those nights, was tired, bored, depressed, what not and told myself that I would get back to them, but never did. I figure now I will put out there what I have, finished or not.
Enjoy, or be frustrated, either way.
Enjoy, or be frustrated, either way.
Tully's Coffee
Tully's is an anomaly to me. Here I sit, mooching their new free Wi-Fi and sucking down a $2.14 steamed milk with Spiced Pumpkin and whipped cream in the heart of Starbuck's land. Some brilliant entrepreneurs thought back in 1992 that Seattle would be a great place to start another major coffee chain, like we didn't have enough places to get our drug! The anomaly is not that they tried, but that they are succeeding. They came to Seattle and set up shop, Starbuck's with a different name. Oh well, free internet; good thing because the one at my house is currently TU.
It is a few weeks past, but I think that the time has given me enough reflection to speak objectively of the half Ironman I completed on September 23rd, 2006. Let me start with the results. You will have to follow the links to them. My race was the Blackdiamond half Ironman held on the 23rd. Most of you, meaning probably 3 people that still read this, don't know that I have been training all summer for this triathlon. I averaged between 8-10 hours of training a week for 3 months. That doesn't sound like much, but trust me, it is. Not enough to be really competitive, but enough to feel it. I would swim a few times a week in Greenlake, maybe get a couple rides in and a couple runs. It was like a part time job and looking back I am glad and sad it is over. The goal, if I am around, will be to finish a full IM next summer. Wish me luck. Let's skip the details of the training as that would be quite an endeavor, both for you and me, and go right to the race day action.
The race took place down in Enumclaw, WA, at the base of Mt Rainier. 1.2 mile swim, 61.87 mile bike and then 13.1 miles of running. As all of you have seen by now, I was 42nd overall, not bad. 5:44:42 is a decent time. For hard core triathletes, you may be saying that my overall time isn't that impressive, just remember the extra 6 miles on the ride equates to about 20 minutes, 5:24 isn't bad. Here is how the race went:
It was a 9:00AM wave start. All the men, followed after 5 minutes by the women and relays. Swimming is certainly not my strongest event but I am very happy with 36 minutes. By comparison, my training partner, Alyssa Smith, did the same swim in 26 minutes, but she swam in college were as I played intramural soccer. I came out of the water not very winded, I tend to hold back in preparation for the bike. They say you will never win a triathlon in the swim, but you can definitely lose it there. I jumped on the bike and headed out. Now is a good time to mention the other competitors Grant Jaffarian and Jeremy Allen. They are friends of mine.
Welcome back.
You will have noticed that I beat both of them out of the water. Grant by only 2 minutes. I was hoping to beat him by a lot more than that, at the time it didn't mater because I didn't know, I just knew I was in the lead at that time. Grant you will also noticed, kicked my but overall. Smoked me by 28 minutes. Before the race my goal was to beat him. I knew he was stronger than me in the run but I had him on the swim. It was the bike that was going to make the difference, I figured I would have to take him by at least 10 minutes on the bike. I figured right, but road wrong. I watched grant pass me about 20 miles into the ride and never saw him again. At that point, I will admit, my raced changed from a competition to a completion. Now I didn't let up, but I certainly wasn't going to kill myself. After he passed me, I settled into my race grove, pushing myself as I do. It was a good ride. I averaged 19.5 mph, not bad for 62 miles, especially considering the large hill at mile 35. They measured the hill as a 500 foot elevation gain over 2 miles. Yes, it isn't the tour de France, but I am no Floyd Landis. (I know of no time in my career that I have willingly done any sort of performance enhancing drugs. Does Flinstone vitamins count?) Looking back, I probably could have road harder, but I have a very good excuse.
Right from the beginning my right knee was acting up. I have short ITBs and if I do not stretch enough, my knees will be utterly painful, to painful to run. Well, that morning I was rushed and hence did not stretch enough. No one to blame but myself. Even in the swim I could feel the tightness and knew that things weren't looking good for the home team. During the bike I was always trying to stretch my legs, but it was no good. I started the run and only 2 miles into it was reduced more or less to a shuffle. The few down hills saw me pick up the pace, but anytime I had to work at it, I was useless. I walked up most of the hills and through all the aid stations. You could say I was disappointed on the run. So much so that by the time I finished the race, I was even winded. Certainly my body was drained and my muscles thrashed, but my lungs could have kept going.
Over all, no complaints. The most promising thing is that a few days after the race, I was thinking about the next one, considering how my training is going to change, and how I will definitely get to the race much earlier next time. Compare that with the marathon I ran in 1997, I didn't want to even think about running for probably 6 months.
Weekend America interviewed Dean Karnazes today. He is a runner of runner, running 40, 50, 60 hours, hours not miles, hours at a time. He said near the end of the show something about how we in Western Culture are lost. We do not have anything to struggle for in life and hence we don't have purpose (He didn't mention the purpose part, I inferred that). He uses running as a source of struggle, and I will say he is accomplishing something like struggle. Right now this dude is in the middle of running 50 marathons in 50 states in 50 consecutive days. Crazy!!!
Since the race I haven't done much. A few rides, a few swims, no running. I am taking a month or two off. I deserve it.
Switching gears...
I was talking to Adam Avitable the other day. We were talking about blogging and how I haven't been. It reminded me that I have been blogging, some, what I haven't been doing is posting those blogs. I save them on my computer, but at this point have never gone back and posted them. I am going to try and do so now. Let me warn you that if I can figure it out, I am going to post them with their original dates so you diehards will have to go back and search them out. Not that hard.
It has been good typing with you and maybe next time I will actually tell you how I am doing.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
It is a few weeks past, but I think that the time has given me enough reflection to speak objectively of the half Ironman I completed on September 23rd, 2006. Let me start with the results. You will have to follow the links to them. My race was the Blackdiamond half Ironman held on the 23rd. Most of you, meaning probably 3 people that still read this, don't know that I have been training all summer for this triathlon. I averaged between 8-10 hours of training a week for 3 months. That doesn't sound like much, but trust me, it is. Not enough to be really competitive, but enough to feel it. I would swim a few times a week in Greenlake, maybe get a couple rides in and a couple runs. It was like a part time job and looking back I am glad and sad it is over. The goal, if I am around, will be to finish a full IM next summer. Wish me luck. Let's skip the details of the training as that would be quite an endeavor, both for you and me, and go right to the race day action.
The race took place down in Enumclaw, WA, at the base of Mt Rainier. 1.2 mile swim, 61.87 mile bike and then 13.1 miles of running. As all of you have seen by now, I was 42nd overall, not bad. 5:44:42 is a decent time. For hard core triathletes, you may be saying that my overall time isn't that impressive, just remember the extra 6 miles on the ride equates to about 20 minutes, 5:24 isn't bad. Here is how the race went:
It was a 9:00AM wave start. All the men, followed after 5 minutes by the women and relays. Swimming is certainly not my strongest event but I am very happy with 36 minutes. By comparison, my training partner, Alyssa Smith, did the same swim in 26 minutes, but she swam in college were as I played intramural soccer. I came out of the water not very winded, I tend to hold back in preparation for the bike. They say you will never win a triathlon in the swim, but you can definitely lose it there. I jumped on the bike and headed out. Now is a good time to mention the other competitors Grant Jaffarian and Jeremy Allen. They are friends of mine.
Welcome back.
You will have noticed that I beat both of them out of the water. Grant by only 2 minutes. I was hoping to beat him by a lot more than that, at the time it didn't mater because I didn't know, I just knew I was in the lead at that time. Grant you will also noticed, kicked my but overall. Smoked me by 28 minutes. Before the race my goal was to beat him. I knew he was stronger than me in the run but I had him on the swim. It was the bike that was going to make the difference, I figured I would have to take him by at least 10 minutes on the bike. I figured right, but road wrong. I watched grant pass me about 20 miles into the ride and never saw him again. At that point, I will admit, my raced changed from a competition to a completion. Now I didn't let up, but I certainly wasn't going to kill myself. After he passed me, I settled into my race grove, pushing myself as I do. It was a good ride. I averaged 19.5 mph, not bad for 62 miles, especially considering the large hill at mile 35. They measured the hill as a 500 foot elevation gain over 2 miles. Yes, it isn't the tour de France, but I am no Floyd Landis. (I know of no time in my career that I have willingly done any sort of performance enhancing drugs. Does Flinstone vitamins count?) Looking back, I probably could have road harder, but I have a very good excuse.
Right from the beginning my right knee was acting up. I have short ITBs and if I do not stretch enough, my knees will be utterly painful, to painful to run. Well, that morning I was rushed and hence did not stretch enough. No one to blame but myself. Even in the swim I could feel the tightness and knew that things weren't looking good for the home team. During the bike I was always trying to stretch my legs, but it was no good. I started the run and only 2 miles into it was reduced more or less to a shuffle. The few down hills saw me pick up the pace, but anytime I had to work at it, I was useless. I walked up most of the hills and through all the aid stations. You could say I was disappointed on the run. So much so that by the time I finished the race, I was even winded. Certainly my body was drained and my muscles thrashed, but my lungs could have kept going.
Over all, no complaints. The most promising thing is that a few days after the race, I was thinking about the next one, considering how my training is going to change, and how I will definitely get to the race much earlier next time. Compare that with the marathon I ran in 1997, I didn't want to even think about running for probably 6 months.
Weekend America interviewed Dean Karnazes today. He is a runner of runner, running 40, 50, 60 hours, hours not miles, hours at a time. He said near the end of the show something about how we in Western Culture are lost. We do not have anything to struggle for in life and hence we don't have purpose (He didn't mention the purpose part, I inferred that). He uses running as a source of struggle, and I will say he is accomplishing something like struggle. Right now this dude is in the middle of running 50 marathons in 50 states in 50 consecutive days. Crazy!!!
Since the race I haven't done much. A few rides, a few swims, no running. I am taking a month or two off. I deserve it.
Switching gears...
I was talking to Adam Avitable the other day. We were talking about blogging and how I haven't been. It reminded me that I have been blogging, some, what I haven't been doing is posting those blogs. I save them on my computer, but at this point have never gone back and posted them. I am going to try and do so now. Let me warn you that if I can figure it out, I am going to post them with their original dates so you diehards will have to go back and search them out. Not that hard.
It has been good typing with you and maybe next time I will actually tell you how I am doing.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Baby Seals
Here is the deal. I haven’t blogged in a while, but I am sure you have noticed. At this point, nobody should even be coming to this site so I don’t think anyone at all will read this. Which means I get to write to the impersonal, you, out in them land.
Labor day a week ago, I spent at Discovery Park here in Seattle. My original intentions where to go camping, but that didn’t work out. Discovery was a good second. The day started mid morning as I decided to sleep downstairs without a clock. I rolled out of bed around 9:00, ate some breakfast and then jumped in the car to look for a secluded spot to sit, read, journal, study, and pray. Magnolia hill has some small parks surrounding the top of the hill with benches and good views. On the way there I was talking to God about a good place to spend some time. I wanted a picnic table, near the top of a hill, looking west so I could see the mountains and Sound. Isolated would be nice and situated in the shade of a tree since the sun was shining brightly that day. I drove around Magnolia without any luck and ended up in Discovery Park. It showed promise. Well, after parking the car, packing a little water and my books, I set out in the park. It was only minutes of walking when right there, as I pictured it in my head and prayed for in my heart, was my picnic table. Coincidence or God?
The next few hours included some good times in the Word, a little prayer, reflection, and rest.
I then went for a reflective walk. Discovery Park is pretty big and you can definitely get lost in it. Along the way I met Lisa. She was a 50 something lady from Orlando, FL. Altamonte Springs to be exact. She is a speech therapist, but her passion is really working with orphaned animals. She is tired of working with humans. We talked for a couple hours. She doesn’t like her sister-in-law who lives here in Seattle with her brother and two nephews. Lisa is originally from Indiana but moved to Florida with her husband back in the 90s. It was nice to sit and talk. After her brother and his wife returned from circling the park, I was by myself again. A few more hours, a nap on some rocks down by the water, finding a set of concrete stairs that just disappeared into the water, and lots of walking filled the day.
The most notable event was in the afternoon. Walking along the beach I noticed a group of people congregated, looking and pointing toward the water, and chatting together. As I drew closer, I notice what all the excitement was about. An adorable baby seal was lying amongst the drift wood about 10 feet from the waters edge. No one knew what to do, but everyone knew something had to be done. Comments like, “It looks in distress!”, “It is trying to get to the water, we should help it.”, “Has someone called the park service?”, and the like were brought up by each person that entered our little group. With authority, a lady stated that her friend knows this guy that is on the board of directors for the park and that he said that mother seals will sometimes leave their young on the beaches for up to 12 hours (they have highly developed internal clocks) while they search for food and that we shouldn’t disturb the young seal. A younger guy had to be almost restrained from going down to the water to push the seal in. It was quite comical.
I stood there for a while. The seal was very cute. It would look back at us from the waters edge with its big, dark eyes and supermodel eyelashes and just seems to beg for pity and help. I can sense why there are so many conscience souls that are sold out on their protection. I was close to giving it a little shove towards the water myself.
Standing there I wished I had had this amazing insight into our human psyche, but I didn’t. All I could think about was how these people wanted to help something that probably didn’t want or need our help.
The day ended like this blog will, with more of a whimper than a bang. It was a good day none the less.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Labor day a week ago, I spent at Discovery Park here in Seattle. My original intentions where to go camping, but that didn’t work out. Discovery was a good second. The day started mid morning as I decided to sleep downstairs without a clock. I rolled out of bed around 9:00, ate some breakfast and then jumped in the car to look for a secluded spot to sit, read, journal, study, and pray. Magnolia hill has some small parks surrounding the top of the hill with benches and good views. On the way there I was talking to God about a good place to spend some time. I wanted a picnic table, near the top of a hill, looking west so I could see the mountains and Sound. Isolated would be nice and situated in the shade of a tree since the sun was shining brightly that day. I drove around Magnolia without any luck and ended up in Discovery Park. It showed promise. Well, after parking the car, packing a little water and my books, I set out in the park. It was only minutes of walking when right there, as I pictured it in my head and prayed for in my heart, was my picnic table. Coincidence or God?
The next few hours included some good times in the Word, a little prayer, reflection, and rest.
I then went for a reflective walk. Discovery Park is pretty big and you can definitely get lost in it. Along the way I met Lisa. She was a 50 something lady from Orlando, FL. Altamonte Springs to be exact. She is a speech therapist, but her passion is really working with orphaned animals. She is tired of working with humans. We talked for a couple hours. She doesn’t like her sister-in-law who lives here in Seattle with her brother and two nephews. Lisa is originally from Indiana but moved to Florida with her husband back in the 90s. It was nice to sit and talk. After her brother and his wife returned from circling the park, I was by myself again. A few more hours, a nap on some rocks down by the water, finding a set of concrete stairs that just disappeared into the water, and lots of walking filled the day.
The most notable event was in the afternoon. Walking along the beach I noticed a group of people congregated, looking and pointing toward the water, and chatting together. As I drew closer, I notice what all the excitement was about. An adorable baby seal was lying amongst the drift wood about 10 feet from the waters edge. No one knew what to do, but everyone knew something had to be done. Comments like, “It looks in distress!”, “It is trying to get to the water, we should help it.”, “Has someone called the park service?”, and the like were brought up by each person that entered our little group. With authority, a lady stated that her friend knows this guy that is on the board of directors for the park and that he said that mother seals will sometimes leave their young on the beaches for up to 12 hours (they have highly developed internal clocks) while they search for food and that we shouldn’t disturb the young seal. A younger guy had to be almost restrained from going down to the water to push the seal in. It was quite comical.
I stood there for a while. The seal was very cute. It would look back at us from the waters edge with its big, dark eyes and supermodel eyelashes and just seems to beg for pity and help. I can sense why there are so many conscience souls that are sold out on their protection. I was close to giving it a little shove towards the water myself.
Standing there I wished I had had this amazing insight into our human psyche, but I didn’t. All I could think about was how these people wanted to help something that probably didn’t want or need our help.
The day ended like this blog will, with more of a whimper than a bang. It was a good day none the less.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Saturday, July 22, 2006
What a day!
My brother calls me this morning and asks if I had heard about dad.
What about him?
I just called mom and she couldn't talk because she is taking him to the hospital, he is having chest pains, it's pretty serious.
What? Where are they? Hold on, let me call mom and put her on three-way.
Mom, this is Jason
I can't talk right now I am trying to listen to the nurse, I will call you back, bye.
And then there was nothing. Talk about rocking your world? Sitting in the Revolutions coffee shop, across the street from Greg's, I just start to cry. I couldn't hold them back. I get back on the phone with Justin and we connect with Tiffany and Jared. The four of us kids talk for a while, Tiffany prays, I cry.
I guess there has just been a lot going on in my head. Reading this book about dads and brothers, football and what it means to be a man is just working me over and then this. Here was the worst thought too. My dad turns 60 this year, his dad died when he was 64, when my dad was 30, the same age as I am right now. I was just kept imagining my dad dying. It could happen, it will happen, and with that I will be worthless for a long time. I love my dad.
So what do you do when mortality hits you like it did me this morning? I don't know, move closer so that you can spend more time together. I love the quote from the song "Wear Sunscreen",
"Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future."
I am going to take her advice. I just ordered this book, Questions for My Father: Finding the Man Behind Your Dad, we will see if it is any good. I'll let you know.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Oh, and dad is fine. They are holding him over night at the hospital for test and just to be careful. The docs haven't ruled out a heart attack, but they feel it is unlikely. Probably the Mexican food.
What about him?
I just called mom and she couldn't talk because she is taking him to the hospital, he is having chest pains, it's pretty serious.
What? Where are they? Hold on, let me call mom and put her on three-way.
Mom, this is Jason
I can't talk right now I am trying to listen to the nurse, I will call you back, bye.
And then there was nothing. Talk about rocking your world? Sitting in the Revolutions coffee shop, across the street from Greg's, I just start to cry. I couldn't hold them back. I get back on the phone with Justin and we connect with Tiffany and Jared. The four of us kids talk for a while, Tiffany prays, I cry.
I guess there has just been a lot going on in my head. Reading this book about dads and brothers, football and what it means to be a man is just working me over and then this. Here was the worst thought too. My dad turns 60 this year, his dad died when he was 64, when my dad was 30, the same age as I am right now. I was just kept imagining my dad dying. It could happen, it will happen, and with that I will be worthless for a long time. I love my dad.
So what do you do when mortality hits you like it did me this morning? I don't know, move closer so that you can spend more time together. I love the quote from the song "Wear Sunscreen",
"Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future."
I am going to take her advice. I just ordered this book, Questions for My Father: Finding the Man Behind Your Dad, we will see if it is any good. I'll let you know.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Oh, and dad is fine. They are holding him over night at the hospital for test and just to be careful. The docs haven't ruled out a heart attack, but they feel it is unlikely. Probably the Mexican food.
Friday, July 7, 2006
A window?
The choice—swim or blog? The answer is clear. Now you may be asking why not both? Well that is because I have somewhere to be in less than an hour. Actually the blog happened because I forgot that I also needed to go to the store before my 7:00 engagement, so swimming was really out of the question. SO lets get to the blog.
On the bus riding home from work, I sat across from this girl. She was cute. We kept stealing glances at each other. I would catch her looking at me, and she I. Each time either of our eyes would dart away avoiding any sort of eye contact. It wasn’t a big deal, I mean it didn’t happen more than three or four times over the course of the 30 minute ride. Here is my question: Why?
Why did both of us want to watch the other, but neither wanted to actually interact? One thought comes from another’s idea I recall. The eyes are the window to the soul. So much can be learned from the intent gaze of another and there is vulnerability in that. Next time you are around a child of less than one year observe. They will stare intently into your eyes. No blinking, no hint of shame or embarrassment, only pure intrigue. They have not yet grown to doubt themselves and question the motives of this world. Maybe that is what He means when He says, “faith like a child?”
If the eyes are the window to our soul, then it is understandable that those who think their soul something to hide would cast their eyes to the ground and shun the possibility that another person could access that part of their existence. I find that disturbing and sad but at the same time, understandable. We are all hiding something.
Well, that is all I have for now, off to a Bar-B-Q. I wonder what souls will be seen tonight.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
On the bus riding home from work, I sat across from this girl. She was cute. We kept stealing glances at each other. I would catch her looking at me, and she I. Each time either of our eyes would dart away avoiding any sort of eye contact. It wasn’t a big deal, I mean it didn’t happen more than three or four times over the course of the 30 minute ride. Here is my question: Why?
Why did both of us want to watch the other, but neither wanted to actually interact? One thought comes from another’s idea I recall. The eyes are the window to the soul. So much can be learned from the intent gaze of another and there is vulnerability in that. Next time you are around a child of less than one year observe. They will stare intently into your eyes. No blinking, no hint of shame or embarrassment, only pure intrigue. They have not yet grown to doubt themselves and question the motives of this world. Maybe that is what He means when He says, “faith like a child?”
If the eyes are the window to our soul, then it is understandable that those who think their soul something to hide would cast their eyes to the ground and shun the possibility that another person could access that part of their existence. I find that disturbing and sad but at the same time, understandable. We are all hiding something.
Well, that is all I have for now, off to a Bar-B-Q. I wonder what souls will be seen tonight.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Previously Written
11:00 pm Tuesday night. Haven’t slept in 41 hours. Tired. I should be in bed asleep. It will be interesting to see if I can in the coming hours because there are limits to ones human ability. Today was enlightening, however, because in a very real way God answered a prayer. Over the last few weeks I have found it difficult to function near the end of the work day, after a short 7 or 8 hours, even with a normal amount of rest. Going into today I knew that I wasn’t going to make it unless He provided the strength. Leaning into Him, the work got done. Even now, my mind brings me to this post instead of a shower and pillow.
In the last 41 hours I have had two humbling conversations. My question is, “I wonder what God is up to in all of this?” I do know that He is frustratingly answering my prayers and yours. Remember those relational reconciliation requests, hence forth to be known as triple r’s? Well, true to Himself, God is faithful. Sometimes I just wish He wouldn’t be so faithful all at once.
My triple r’s are still there, please continue to pray, though not so often this time. Maybe cut back to interceding for me every other time you pray.
In other things, God is faithful. Oh, wait, said that already! I mean, He is though. The next big step in my part of the equation is to put on paper my vision as God has revealed it. This was a daunting task as that vision, in Young Life’s eyes, should be attractive, colorful, with pictures and good graphics. Not being the artistic type, I am less than confident of my abilities to produce something of quality. Sunday as I was talking with one of the other guys I serve with at church, the topic of his going to school in graphic arts came up. He pointed to a pamphlet he recently designed for this other ministry. Jumping on that, I asked if he would like to help me create the same. Enthusiastically he said yes. One less hurdle to cross and excuse to use. God is frustratingly faithful.
Now let’s try that sleep thing.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
In the last 41 hours I have had two humbling conversations. My question is, “I wonder what God is up to in all of this?” I do know that He is frustratingly answering my prayers and yours. Remember those relational reconciliation requests, hence forth to be known as triple r’s? Well, true to Himself, God is faithful. Sometimes I just wish He wouldn’t be so faithful all at once.
My triple r’s are still there, please continue to pray, though not so often this time. Maybe cut back to interceding for me every other time you pray.
In other things, God is faithful. Oh, wait, said that already! I mean, He is though. The next big step in my part of the equation is to put on paper my vision as God has revealed it. This was a daunting task as that vision, in Young Life’s eyes, should be attractive, colorful, with pictures and good graphics. Not being the artistic type, I am less than confident of my abilities to produce something of quality. Sunday as I was talking with one of the other guys I serve with at church, the topic of his going to school in graphic arts came up. He pointed to a pamphlet he recently designed for this other ministry. Jumping on that, I asked if he would like to help me create the same. Enthusiastically he said yes. One less hurdle to cross and excuse to use. God is frustratingly faithful.
Now let’s try that sleep thing.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Sunday, June 4, 2006
What is Next?
I shaved my legs yesterday. What, isn’t that normal? No, really I did. See this morning was my season’s first triathlon and I wanted to test the no hairy legs option for the race. Its value in reducing wind drag is yet to be determined, but it does look funny. We will see what the massage therapist thinks this afternoon. It should help in that department.
But this post is not about triathlons, or shaved legs, or massages. It is an update as to where I am going, or more specifically, where God is taking me.
As some of you may know, I have been planning on moving to Europe to work with the teenagers of our military families. You all should remember my travels last year in Europe and the military ministry that I volunteered for. I am pretty sure that I also have been mentioning my continuing application process with Young Life International and where that is going. Well, the next step has taken place. Two weeks ago, I was down in Colorado Springs and was officially accepted by MCYM (Military Community Youth Ministries). What this means is that all the blocks have been checked, all the hoops jumped through, all the skeletons laid to rest and I am moving forward, full speed ahead, to be in Europe by the first part of next year. Allow me to expound.
A good starting point is the summer of 2000. I worked as the TCL (Training in Christian Living) Projects Coordinator for Lakeside Bible Camp (LBC). Prior to that, an Internet company occupied my day but my heart knew there was so much more. Maybe I should go back even further. (maybe not, I am writing a blog not a book) No, I will start with TCL. At LBC, for probably the first time, I really served my God. I had done things at various churches all growing up, but I can barely say I was a Christian, let alone a faithful servant. For the first time at camp, I gave my whole life to Jesus. He had it all. Working with teenagers, modeling Christ, working hard as an example and sharing His love eclipsed anything in my previous 24 years. A seed was planted; the thirst, ever so slightly quenched, called out to a longing in my heart and revealed so subtly what God had in store. That summer started it. And then the Army came calling.
The Army is a good thing. I don’t say it came calling like it interrupted the growth of that planted seed. It came calling to reveal its part in God’s plan. Did I know that at the time, no! Were there times in the Army that I questioned my place, doubted my resolve, worried about a wasted life, yes! See in my heart there has been a continued personal conflict. A paradox. I finally, after years of running from God, give Him everything, or at least think I do, and with that I found an amazing peace and joy. When I begin my military service, I find another purpose, a different sort of peace and joy, another passion. So there I was, these two passions before me: A life serving Christ and a life serving my country. The next five years were a blur.
James 1:6 talks about the surface of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. It does not know where it is going; only that forces outside itself give it direction. The sea is compared with a man who doubts. I was that man. On any given day, my two passions would collide. I could not see 1. How God could use those two passions together and 2. Why He had given me both of them. They seemed mutually exclusive. I could either do one or the other, but not both and certainly not both simultaneously. So I spend five years searching for the perfect job. Fast forward to last year.
It is the winter of 2004-2005. My army unit has recently returned from over a year in the desert and 9 months later I am still on Active Duty for various reasons. Still searching, I apply for various government jobs, consider staying in the Army, and generally am flailing about with the wind. My prayers to Jesus are strong and consistent, “What do you have for me?” Looking back it seems so obvious what His answers are, but at that time, I either wasn’t listening or didn’t comprehend. My time on Active Duty is coming to an end and it is clear that my work with the Army is doing the same. Again, I look back and am amazed by God’s timing. As I mentioned I had applied with some other government agencies. I am anxiously awaiting replies when the Active Duty releases me. Having not heard anything except “no’s”, and with no job or ties holding me back, I begin the long vacation traveling the world, the plan for which had been two years in the making.
It is the middle of Montana, March 7th, 2005. Driving to my brother’s place in Havre, I have listened to probably my 3rd or 4th Mars Hill sermon when an idea hits me. I remember the date because of this blog, “In the beginning…Day 1”. The idea I was talking about is that of going into full-time ministry. God was being very convincing that day and my first inclination was to plant a church. Mars Hill is big into church planting, hence my idea to plant a church. The thing is even before March 7th, I knew that God had His ministry in my future, but for what ever reason, I was too stubborn or too scared to admit it and follow Him completely. I said I had given Him everything back in 2000, but I see now I hadn’t. I realize today that the surrendering of a life is a process that doesn’t just happen in an instant. It has a starting point followed by years and years of small, sometimes infinitesimal, changes.
Leaving my brothers and continuing my vacation, I am struck with this new idea and consider turning my car around, going back to Seattle and following that idea. I was excited. There was something about that calling that felt undeniable, but still some uncertainty weighed in my heart. What does full-time ministry look like for me? I continued the vacation, the biggest reason was a commitment I had previously made to a friend and a ministry called Club Beyond to be a leader at a service project the next month. Fast forward to next month.
April 2005, Slovakia, MCYM service project.
Here is where God lays it all out on the table. He shows me a place that brings together both of my passions, serving Him and serving my country. I had doubted God but shouldn’t have. If you don’t already know what MCYM is then you need to check out this site, http://www.mcym.org/. All of the nuts and bolts are there. Too lazy to read. Cliff notes follow.
MCYM was started back in the 80’s by a Young Life guy that noticed a total lack of spiritual ministry to the teenagers of our military families stationed overseas. MCYM has helped to fill that role by bringing together numerous youth organizations like, Young Life and Youth For Christ to facilitate youth ministry. It works with the Chaplains of the military, to communicate the love of Jesus Christ in understandable terms; essentially it is the youth pastors to the military.
When I found out that MCYM existed, everything started to make sense. I understood why God had placed me in the Army, why I had moved around a lot as a kid, why I still loved to travel and longed to live overseas, why I had a passion for raising up young men to love Jesus and grow to be more like Him, and why I had gone to college and graduated with a BS in Chemical Engineering (OK, maybe that last one isn’t so clear yet, but it will be; God has miraculously used everything else so He must have a reason for that too.)
If you are still reading this, I congratulate you. Brevity is not my strong suit, but I am working on it. Trust me when I say this could have been much, much longer. You should now have a clearer picture of where I am going. My plan of now is to leave for the ministry in December. So much has to happen before that so be praying. Pray specifically for:
A pastor and church. My current church is Mars Hill. It would make since that it would be the answer to this first prayer but not necessarily. I have been going to Mars Hill for almost 9 months, not a lot of time to develop strong ties and so maybe God has something else. Though, He brought me to MH for a reason, He just hasn’t told me yet.
Relationships – Both new and growing ones, and old and broken ones.
My current job – They have always known that I wasn’t going to be there forever, but now the reality of my leaving will be in the forefront of our interactions. That could bring strife and misunderstandings. Pray that I will be above reproach in all my actions and give them 100% of my efforts while on the job. I can’t afford to steal their time and tarnish the work of Jesus in me.
Thank you for your prayers and time. If you can’t tell, I am excited. I imagine that much news will continue to follow. Maybe I will start this blog back up. Maybe?
I was going to leave you with some cheesy blessing, telling you to go in peace, be well, and cap it off with a motivational bible verse like Isaiah 6:8, but that is totally cliché, and humbly speaking, I am above that.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
But this post is not about triathlons, or shaved legs, or massages. It is an update as to where I am going, or more specifically, where God is taking me.
As some of you may know, I have been planning on moving to Europe to work with the teenagers of our military families. You all should remember my travels last year in Europe and the military ministry that I volunteered for. I am pretty sure that I also have been mentioning my continuing application process with Young Life International and where that is going. Well, the next step has taken place. Two weeks ago, I was down in Colorado Springs and was officially accepted by MCYM (Military Community Youth Ministries). What this means is that all the blocks have been checked, all the hoops jumped through, all the skeletons laid to rest and I am moving forward, full speed ahead, to be in Europe by the first part of next year. Allow me to expound.
A good starting point is the summer of 2000. I worked as the TCL (Training in Christian Living) Projects Coordinator for Lakeside Bible Camp (LBC). Prior to that, an Internet company occupied my day but my heart knew there was so much more. Maybe I should go back even further. (maybe not, I am writing a blog not a book) No, I will start with TCL. At LBC, for probably the first time, I really served my God. I had done things at various churches all growing up, but I can barely say I was a Christian, let alone a faithful servant. For the first time at camp, I gave my whole life to Jesus. He had it all. Working with teenagers, modeling Christ, working hard as an example and sharing His love eclipsed anything in my previous 24 years. A seed was planted; the thirst, ever so slightly quenched, called out to a longing in my heart and revealed so subtly what God had in store. That summer started it. And then the Army came calling.
The Army is a good thing. I don’t say it came calling like it interrupted the growth of that planted seed. It came calling to reveal its part in God’s plan. Did I know that at the time, no! Were there times in the Army that I questioned my place, doubted my resolve, worried about a wasted life, yes! See in my heart there has been a continued personal conflict. A paradox. I finally, after years of running from God, give Him everything, or at least think I do, and with that I found an amazing peace and joy. When I begin my military service, I find another purpose, a different sort of peace and joy, another passion. So there I was, these two passions before me: A life serving Christ and a life serving my country. The next five years were a blur.
James 1:6 talks about the surface of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. It does not know where it is going; only that forces outside itself give it direction. The sea is compared with a man who doubts. I was that man. On any given day, my two passions would collide. I could not see 1. How God could use those two passions together and 2. Why He had given me both of them. They seemed mutually exclusive. I could either do one or the other, but not both and certainly not both simultaneously. So I spend five years searching for the perfect job. Fast forward to last year.
It is the winter of 2004-2005. My army unit has recently returned from over a year in the desert and 9 months later I am still on Active Duty for various reasons. Still searching, I apply for various government jobs, consider staying in the Army, and generally am flailing about with the wind. My prayers to Jesus are strong and consistent, “What do you have for me?” Looking back it seems so obvious what His answers are, but at that time, I either wasn’t listening or didn’t comprehend. My time on Active Duty is coming to an end and it is clear that my work with the Army is doing the same. Again, I look back and am amazed by God’s timing. As I mentioned I had applied with some other government agencies. I am anxiously awaiting replies when the Active Duty releases me. Having not heard anything except “no’s”, and with no job or ties holding me back, I begin the long vacation traveling the world, the plan for which had been two years in the making.
It is the middle of Montana, March 7th, 2005. Driving to my brother’s place in Havre, I have listened to probably my 3rd or 4th Mars Hill sermon when an idea hits me. I remember the date because of this blog, “In the beginning…Day 1”. The idea I was talking about is that of going into full-time ministry. God was being very convincing that day and my first inclination was to plant a church. Mars Hill is big into church planting, hence my idea to plant a church. The thing is even before March 7th, I knew that God had His ministry in my future, but for what ever reason, I was too stubborn or too scared to admit it and follow Him completely. I said I had given Him everything back in 2000, but I see now I hadn’t. I realize today that the surrendering of a life is a process that doesn’t just happen in an instant. It has a starting point followed by years and years of small, sometimes infinitesimal, changes.
Leaving my brothers and continuing my vacation, I am struck with this new idea and consider turning my car around, going back to Seattle and following that idea. I was excited. There was something about that calling that felt undeniable, but still some uncertainty weighed in my heart. What does full-time ministry look like for me? I continued the vacation, the biggest reason was a commitment I had previously made to a friend and a ministry called Club Beyond to be a leader at a service project the next month. Fast forward to next month.
April 2005, Slovakia, MCYM service project.
Here is where God lays it all out on the table. He shows me a place that brings together both of my passions, serving Him and serving my country. I had doubted God but shouldn’t have. If you don’t already know what MCYM is then you need to check out this site, http://www.mcym.org/. All of the nuts and bolts are there. Too lazy to read. Cliff notes follow.
MCYM was started back in the 80’s by a Young Life guy that noticed a total lack of spiritual ministry to the teenagers of our military families stationed overseas. MCYM has helped to fill that role by bringing together numerous youth organizations like, Young Life and Youth For Christ to facilitate youth ministry. It works with the Chaplains of the military, to communicate the love of Jesus Christ in understandable terms; essentially it is the youth pastors to the military.
When I found out that MCYM existed, everything started to make sense. I understood why God had placed me in the Army, why I had moved around a lot as a kid, why I still loved to travel and longed to live overseas, why I had a passion for raising up young men to love Jesus and grow to be more like Him, and why I had gone to college and graduated with a BS in Chemical Engineering (OK, maybe that last one isn’t so clear yet, but it will be; God has miraculously used everything else so He must have a reason for that too.)
If you are still reading this, I congratulate you. Brevity is not my strong suit, but I am working on it. Trust me when I say this could have been much, much longer. You should now have a clearer picture of where I am going. My plan of now is to leave for the ministry in December. So much has to happen before that so be praying. Pray specifically for:
A pastor and church. My current church is Mars Hill. It would make since that it would be the answer to this first prayer but not necessarily. I have been going to Mars Hill for almost 9 months, not a lot of time to develop strong ties and so maybe God has something else. Though, He brought me to MH for a reason, He just hasn’t told me yet.
Relationships – Both new and growing ones, and old and broken ones.
My current job – They have always known that I wasn’t going to be there forever, but now the reality of my leaving will be in the forefront of our interactions. That could bring strife and misunderstandings. Pray that I will be above reproach in all my actions and give them 100% of my efforts while on the job. I can’t afford to steal their time and tarnish the work of Jesus in me.
Thank you for your prayers and time. If you can’t tell, I am excited. I imagine that much news will continue to follow. Maybe I will start this blog back up. Maybe?
I was going to leave you with some cheesy blessing, telling you to go in peace, be well, and cap it off with a motivational bible verse like Isaiah 6:8, but that is totally cliché, and humbly speaking, I am above that.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Not thing here? Where?
When everything seems right, what's wrong?
I feel like I want to write something, but I am not.
It has been a long time and maybe everyone is thinking that I am starting to lighten up, starting to dwell on the world a little less, and maybe that is the case, but I doubt it.
Maybe I am so consumed by thoughts and a journey so completely unknown that there are no knew words in my head overflowing into expression.
The other day I made a few decisions. Not a big deal for most, but here it's rather large.
What is the next thing that happens?
A cross roads. I go back, I question.
Now, do I stick with the first, or fall for the second?
When life seemed comprehensible, it gets turned over.
When life seems like it is moving forward, it gets a flat tire.
Fat Tire.
Let's drive on in the darkness, let's see what is around the next corner.
Let's follow the blind man, let's meet his maker.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
I feel like I want to write something, but I am not.
It has been a long time and maybe everyone is thinking that I am starting to lighten up, starting to dwell on the world a little less, and maybe that is the case, but I doubt it.
Maybe I am so consumed by thoughts and a journey so completely unknown that there are no knew words in my head overflowing into expression.
The other day I made a few decisions. Not a big deal for most, but here it's rather large.
What is the next thing that happens?
A cross roads. I go back, I question.
Now, do I stick with the first, or fall for the second?
When life seemed comprehensible, it gets turned over.
When life seems like it is moving forward, it gets a flat tire.
Fat Tire.
Let's drive on in the darkness, let's see what is around the next corner.
Let's follow the blind man, let's meet his maker.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Narcissism at its best.
Somehow I missed this post on Adam's blog, but after he put up the results, I went back, added my 2 cents and am copying his thing.
So below are two links, one for good attributes of yours truly, one for bad. Follow the links below, the rest is self explanatory.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=jhaggard76
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=jhaggard76
Enjoy, I'll post the results eventually.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
So below are two links, one for good attributes of yours truly, one for bad. Follow the links below, the rest is self explanatory.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=jhaggard76
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=jhaggard76
Enjoy, I'll post the results eventually.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Sunday, April 2, 2006
It is just me.
I am in a sentimental mood. Sitting at my computer, I some how managed upon my blog. Oh, I remember. I was looking for my Aunt’s email address which I happen to have because of a comment she posted on said blog. After snagging the email and sending off a birthday greetings, I got sucked into the blog and began reading some old posts. One old post leads to another and at this point it has been something like 2 hours. I wonder if it is an ego thing to go back and read things you wrote? I mean, I wrote them, they were my experiences, so why should I need to go back and read them? Well, I can answer that, because I don’t have a perfect memory.
So, I was reading about Europe. Italy, Germany, Ireland. I spent most of my time in Ireland. I love Ireland. Trent, a guy that I was in a small group with at the UCU, is in Ireland right now. North Ireland actually. He is over there studying conflict resolution. I guess if you are talking about conflict, what better place than Belfast? Maybe Israel? Rereading that stuff just got me longing for those days. That was a seriously wonderful time. So much of everything happened. This brings me to today. So much is happening.
I am in a slump though. Emotional slump that is. I like and at the same time don’t like these slumps. They are good because I grow. God uses this time in my life to mold me, and to continually make me into the lovable creature that He desires me to be. That is a good thing in the long run. But in the short run, frankly, it sucks. No one likes to feel down, not me at least.
My emotional rollercoaster is brought to you by relationships. Interestingly, it is relationships with girls. It is always relationships with girls. Yesterday I was stupid. Really, really stupid. I was at work and talking with a friend. The conversation turned bad when she said something, I interpreted it as an attack, I said something back, we got into it and the end result was me calling her stupid, in front of other co-workers. How absolutely idiotic can I be? As soon as the words came out of my mouth I new I was wrong, way wrong. But of course I compound the issue with my dumb pride and can’t apologize, at least not right away. Sitting in church today, I couldn’t get my mind off of it. It was the end of the service and all that came to mind as communion was happening was Matthew 5, the part about not giving your offering when a brother has something against you. I didn’t take communion and instead called my friend in hopes that she will join me for coffee so I can apologize properly. She declined the first white flag and hasn’t returned my second call. I really wish I wouldn’t do stupid things like that.
The second thing that has gotten me all overly introspective is this email I sent the other day. No details here, but it too is waying on my heart. Sometimes it makes me want to really throw in the towel and call it. I could be in Europe right now if I really wanted to be. I think that is another issue all in itself. I’ll work through this one too, and maybe this is the faith that I so long ago was mussing about how to get more of.
Final thought as I get back to preparing for the up coming Bible study. I am leading the UCU bible study starting a week from tomorrow. I have been thinking, praying, studying, and “preparing” for this study for a good two months. More time has been dedicated to this endeavor as the time draws near, but unfortunately I still have not nailed down what I am going to talk about. It is like there is a block in my head that will not allow me to settle on any one topic or passage. It is becoming frustrating. This too, I guess, is adding to my emotional ups and downs. When I think about putting words on paper, I usually end up just praying. I say just like it is a bad thing, I don’t think that, not yet at least.
Finally, finally, I am definitely feeling emotionally drained because for the last few weeks I feel like I am on my own. I am sort of an island in the middle of the ocean. There are people around me, relationships that are happening and, well, growing, I guess, but there is just something inside that is missing.
Wish I knew what that was.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
So, I was reading about Europe. Italy, Germany, Ireland. I spent most of my time in Ireland. I love Ireland. Trent, a guy that I was in a small group with at the UCU, is in Ireland right now. North Ireland actually. He is over there studying conflict resolution. I guess if you are talking about conflict, what better place than Belfast? Maybe Israel? Rereading that stuff just got me longing for those days. That was a seriously wonderful time. So much of everything happened. This brings me to today. So much is happening.
I am in a slump though. Emotional slump that is. I like and at the same time don’t like these slumps. They are good because I grow. God uses this time in my life to mold me, and to continually make me into the lovable creature that He desires me to be. That is a good thing in the long run. But in the short run, frankly, it sucks. No one likes to feel down, not me at least.
My emotional rollercoaster is brought to you by relationships. Interestingly, it is relationships with girls. It is always relationships with girls. Yesterday I was stupid. Really, really stupid. I was at work and talking with a friend. The conversation turned bad when she said something, I interpreted it as an attack, I said something back, we got into it and the end result was me calling her stupid, in front of other co-workers. How absolutely idiotic can I be? As soon as the words came out of my mouth I new I was wrong, way wrong. But of course I compound the issue with my dumb pride and can’t apologize, at least not right away. Sitting in church today, I couldn’t get my mind off of it. It was the end of the service and all that came to mind as communion was happening was Matthew 5, the part about not giving your offering when a brother has something against you. I didn’t take communion and instead called my friend in hopes that she will join me for coffee so I can apologize properly. She declined the first white flag and hasn’t returned my second call. I really wish I wouldn’t do stupid things like that.
The second thing that has gotten me all overly introspective is this email I sent the other day. No details here, but it too is waying on my heart. Sometimes it makes me want to really throw in the towel and call it. I could be in Europe right now if I really wanted to be. I think that is another issue all in itself. I’ll work through this one too, and maybe this is the faith that I so long ago was mussing about how to get more of.
Final thought as I get back to preparing for the up coming Bible study. I am leading the UCU bible study starting a week from tomorrow. I have been thinking, praying, studying, and “preparing” for this study for a good two months. More time has been dedicated to this endeavor as the time draws near, but unfortunately I still have not nailed down what I am going to talk about. It is like there is a block in my head that will not allow me to settle on any one topic or passage. It is becoming frustrating. This too, I guess, is adding to my emotional ups and downs. When I think about putting words on paper, I usually end up just praying. I say just like it is a bad thing, I don’t think that, not yet at least.
Finally, finally, I am definitely feeling emotionally drained because for the last few weeks I feel like I am on my own. I am sort of an island in the middle of the ocean. There are people around me, relationships that are happening and, well, growing, I guess, but there is just something inside that is missing.
Wish I knew what that was.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Sunday, March 26, 2006
The greatest ever
I don't have much time to write this as I am heading out on a bike ride with other Mars Hillians, but I wanted to get this down. I have been thinking a lot about basketball, what with the NCAA Tournament (I hate the Huskies) and all, and it reminded me of this Michael Jordan commercial I saw a few weeks ago. It is a great commercial, especially for those of us that grew up with Air Jordan. I watch this commercial and, no joke, remember watching the moves live. I can almost tell you what games they came in.
Here is a link from ESPN about the commercial. I recommend that you watch the commercial first, then read the article, then watch it again and relive the simple pleasure that is and was the original MJ.
It's good, trust me.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=rovell/060302
(Sadly ESPN has moved this link and article to the Inside section of their site. Try this link. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3712923125091616210&q=michael+jordan+commercial)
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Here is a link from ESPN about the commercial. I recommend that you watch the commercial first, then read the article, then watch it again and relive the simple pleasure that is and was the original MJ.
It's good, trust me.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=rovell/060302
(Sadly ESPN has moved this link and article to the Inside section of their site. Try this link. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3712923125091616210&q=michael+jordan+commercial)
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Monday, March 13, 2006
Life as we know it
This one I promise will be short, but I make no claims on its entertainment value.
Not many of you know that I received my walking papers from the Army just last month. I am as free a man as I can be, aside from being dead. It is a wonderful thing, and sorrowful at the same time. I have proceeded, in my freedom, to grow a nice beard, which I will sustain for a few months until the weather turns, and then who knows. But the bottom line is I am free.
You will never guess however what I just finished doing which inspired this post. Give up? I polished my shoes. The old Hawaiian Tropic Lifeguard bag came out; a can of the wonderful Kiwi black shoe polish immerged, and I proceeded to apply a fine matte finish to my overpriced, $280 regretfully spent dollars over priced, Allen Edmonds dress shoes. It was a wonderful thing. I love the smell of shoe polish; so many memories are tied to it. None of which I will go into at this point (I must keep my promise).
Here is what hit me as I was progressing through both shoes. 1. I couldn’t believe I actually had the stuff necessary to polish dress shoes. 2. I couldn’t believe I actually knew how to do just that. 3. I can’t believe that I enjoyed doing it. Enjoyed it immensely. It is a simple pleasure
Simple pleasure, like a perfectly thrown spiral landing softly in your hands after flying over your shoulder; your stride not breaking, simple pleasure.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Not many of you know that I received my walking papers from the Army just last month. I am as free a man as I can be, aside from being dead. It is a wonderful thing, and sorrowful at the same time. I have proceeded, in my freedom, to grow a nice beard, which I will sustain for a few months until the weather turns, and then who knows. But the bottom line is I am free.
You will never guess however what I just finished doing which inspired this post. Give up? I polished my shoes. The old Hawaiian Tropic Lifeguard bag came out; a can of the wonderful Kiwi black shoe polish immerged, and I proceeded to apply a fine matte finish to my overpriced, $280 regretfully spent dollars over priced, Allen Edmonds dress shoes. It was a wonderful thing. I love the smell of shoe polish; so many memories are tied to it. None of which I will go into at this point (I must keep my promise).
Here is what hit me as I was progressing through both shoes. 1. I couldn’t believe I actually had the stuff necessary to polish dress shoes. 2. I couldn’t believe I actually knew how to do just that. 3. I can’t believe that I enjoyed doing it. Enjoyed it immensely. It is a simple pleasure
Simple pleasure, like a perfectly thrown spiral landing softly in your hands after flying over your shoulder; your stride not breaking, simple pleasure.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Thursday, March 2, 2006
Uhhh, yeah...
It seems I messed up my blog again and in the attempt to erase a previous comment (the one that linked you to a bunch of porn, which I never went to, but people, my mom and dad in particular, told me did so) I made it impossible for people to leave comments. Well, not impossible, but after a comment was left, I supposedly had the ability to accept or reject the comment and had to do so before its publishing. I didn't know what I was doing and the end result was no comments.
I will be honest and say that I thought it odd that no one had commented in a while, not that I get a lot or am measuring my value on them, but it was out of the ordinary. Well, once again, my incredibly smart friend Adam came to the rescue and pointed out what I had done wrong. Turns out that a few comments had been left in the last few weeks, but I wasn't releasing them.
No worries, problemo solvdo.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
I will be honest and say that I thought it odd that no one had commented in a while, not that I get a lot or am measuring my value on them, but it was out of the ordinary. Well, once again, my incredibly smart friend Adam came to the rescue and pointed out what I had done wrong. Turns out that a few comments had been left in the last few weeks, but I wasn't releasing them.
No worries, problemo solvdo.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Nothing to Say and TIme to Say it in.
After covering the phones for 15 minutes with another hour to go, I have exhausted all forms of entertainment at the front desk. Yesterday, I discovered that something as simple as watching streaming video from ESPN.com can be detrimental to the computer systems here at Clothier & Head, PS. It all started back about two weeks ago.
The Olympics, as everyone should know, were held in Torino, or Turin, Italy this year. Time zones and the earths rotation as they are, most events of the Games took place while I was in bed. That, added to my not having regular access to a TV, meant I didn't see much of them. But the Internet is an amazing thing. You can, even now still, go there and watch all the Games, albeit, in short video clips. ESPN.com and NBC.com have combined to provide excellent coverage. This is what I had (past tense) been doing before now while I sat at the front desk and covered the phones. Now, not so much.
Yesterday, I was watching Apolo Anton Ohno slide victoriously after 500 meters on the short track, when the worst thing that can happen to a receptionist did. The computer reset, though I didn't know it at the time. At first it looked like I had killed the whole system. Both screens went black and there was nothing for a good four or five seconds. This is an even more tragic event at Clothier & Head, PS because the incoming switch board is tied directly to the computer and when it is off, so are the phones. Panic ensued. There was human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria. I did the only thing I knew to do; I called Cait.
If I had waited that extra few seconds I would have known that the computers had, in fact, just reset and Cait was unnecessary, but as always I jumped the gun. When they started to come back on, I knew then that what I needed was Jen and her knowledge of her passwords to sign me back in. I sent Anjie on a mission. Jen came, crisis averted.
Now here is the funny part. I write today as if I knew then what had caused the initial shut down. Reality is much different. Yesterday, I didn't know what I had done; I just assumed the thing broke on its own without my being a contributor so understandably, I went right back to what I was trying to do in the first place, watch Apolo Anton Ohno slide victoriously after 500 meters on the short track. This time, however, Jen was at had and when the computer crashed for a second time, I knew it was me. This did not endear me towards Jen, luckily she is probably the nicest receptionist I have ever met, and she proceeded to inform me of the whole, phones not working when computer not working issue.
I took the hint and am no longer going to watch videos of the Olympics, or any other sporting event, even my beloved Huskies as they battle for the top spot in the Pac-10 and an automatic NCAA Tournament berth, not that they need it, at the reception desk, which is why I have nothing to do at this exact moment.
So once again, you have wasted another perfectly good hour listening to Car Talk. Oh, sorry, wrong ending.
Have a great day.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Oh, BTW, Jen is back from her walk so I have managed to occupy this last hour, and it went by really fast. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
The Olympics, as everyone should know, were held in Torino, or Turin, Italy this year. Time zones and the earths rotation as they are, most events of the Games took place while I was in bed. That, added to my not having regular access to a TV, meant I didn't see much of them. But the Internet is an amazing thing. You can, even now still, go there and watch all the Games, albeit, in short video clips. ESPN.com and NBC.com have combined to provide excellent coverage. This is what I had (past tense) been doing before now while I sat at the front desk and covered the phones. Now, not so much.
Yesterday, I was watching Apolo Anton Ohno slide victoriously after 500 meters on the short track, when the worst thing that can happen to a receptionist did. The computer reset, though I didn't know it at the time. At first it looked like I had killed the whole system. Both screens went black and there was nothing for a good four or five seconds. This is an even more tragic event at Clothier & Head, PS because the incoming switch board is tied directly to the computer and when it is off, so are the phones. Panic ensued. There was human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria. I did the only thing I knew to do; I called Cait.
If I had waited that extra few seconds I would have known that the computers had, in fact, just reset and Cait was unnecessary, but as always I jumped the gun. When they started to come back on, I knew then that what I needed was Jen and her knowledge of her passwords to sign me back in. I sent Anjie on a mission. Jen came, crisis averted.
Now here is the funny part. I write today as if I knew then what had caused the initial shut down. Reality is much different. Yesterday, I didn't know what I had done; I just assumed the thing broke on its own without my being a contributor so understandably, I went right back to what I was trying to do in the first place, watch Apolo Anton Ohno slide victoriously after 500 meters on the short track. This time, however, Jen was at had and when the computer crashed for a second time, I knew it was me. This did not endear me towards Jen, luckily she is probably the nicest receptionist I have ever met, and she proceeded to inform me of the whole, phones not working when computer not working issue.
I took the hint and am no longer going to watch videos of the Olympics, or any other sporting event, even my beloved Huskies as they battle for the top spot in the Pac-10 and an automatic NCAA Tournament berth, not that they need it, at the reception desk, which is why I have nothing to do at this exact moment.
So once again, you have wasted another perfectly good hour listening to Car Talk. Oh, sorry, wrong ending.
Have a great day.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Oh, BTW, Jen is back from her walk so I have managed to occupy this last hour, and it went by really fast. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
White House under fire over Cheney shooting
For everyone that does not live under a rock, bear with me in this next blog. Just yesterday some of my office mates were discussing, again, the stupidity of the discussion of this event. I couldn’t take it as it is such a non-story. So why then, you may be asking, am I being so hypocritical and bringing it up here? I do so because of something completely different that this story brought to mind.
The other day (I must confess that I should have written this blog that other day, but my life does not lend itself to the freedom to sit at a computer and type my thoughts. In the evenings the last thing I want to do is come home and be on the computer after having spent the entire day at one.) NPR was interviewing a cardiologist; questioning him about the severity and significance of the heart attack Harry Whittington had had days after being shot. The interviewer kept asking questions of the doctor: “How dangerous is this?” “What could be the long term effects?” “Is this heart attack serious?” The doctor, an “expert” in this field and more knowledgeable, I hope, than your average American, never once answered a question. He would say things like, “I haven’t seen the medical reports so I just can’t say for certain.” I was in my car at the time and wondered, “Why are you even on the radio program at all?”
This doctor was called upon to give his opinion. He didn’t. Why? I mentioned this to a pastor friend of mine. (Him being a pastor is inconsequential, he just happens to be one and I figured I would through that in so you all will know I hang with the right crowd.) He said that was the prudent thing to do. This doctor didn’t know the specific situation so don’t say anything. But I see it differently. The doctor wasn’t being asked to do anything more than educate some people, but he saw it as sticking his neck out. If he said something that was wrong, then he could, some how, be held liable? What, the doctors treating Harry would hear his opinion and change their own diagnosis and therefore be able to hold this other doctor accountable for his words? What is that all about?
Here is what I think. A couple things are at play in this whole scenario. 1. Americans are so unwilling to take responsibility for their actions that we look for anyone and anything to blame and hold accountable. 2. Humans, the men half in particular, are a bit weak in their own right and don’t know how to stand on their own two feet or convictions.
Where is all this coming from? Again, patience.
These last few months of my life have been marked by a resurgence of self evaluation. Now I have always been a bit reflective. Ok, there is no bit about it. But these last few have had some times of extreme confusion and seeking. One of the biggest areas has been in the realm of weak versus strong men. What do they look like? What characteristics are marked by a strong man? A weak one? The answer I have come up with is, “I don’t know?” My ignorance is not due to a personal lack but what I think is a universal inability. (Again, there is also a good amount of personal lack involved, but let’s not go there.) I don’t think that there is a concrete definition of strength that is possible on this earth, in human terms. Strength is like pornography as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said in 1964, “I can’t define it, but I know it when I see it.” We all can look at another person and decide on human terms if they are strong or weak. Sometimes it has to do with their position, or related wealth. It may be physical, in terms of mere mass, although I think most would be quick to say that a lot of buff dudes are so to cover up their true selves. It may be based on their presence and command of an audience. There are many other factors and all of these external characteristics are effortlessly put in the category of strength. But is that real strength?
Real strength can only be defined by the creator of it. Just as beauty can only be define by the creator of beauty. If you want to know what a painting, or sculpture, or poem, tome, drawing, building, or any other form of created thing means, then you have to ask the creator. No amount of speculation will ever be 100% accurate. So true strength is not defined by anything of this world, though the previous mentioned attributes are some of its by-products, but by something so completely other-worldly.
“If God’s moral judgement differs from ours so that our ‘black’ may be His ‘white’, we can mean nothing by calling Him good for to say ‘God is good’, while asserting that His goodness is wholly other than ours, is really only to say ‘God is we know not what’.” – C.S. Lewis
Here is why I don’t think that we, as humans, will ever fully be able to define it, or anything else of a Divine nature. “God is we know not what.” This is true as it relates to His goodness as much as to His strength, justice, mercy, grace, love, or faithfulness. The best I can do is to say that true strength is defined as true godliness. Look at the character of God, the creator of strength, and you will see the character of strength.
What does that look like then, the character of God? Wow, “there are also many other things which Jesus did, which if they were written in detail, I suppose that even the world itself would not contain the books that would be written.” But I love the image set forth before time began. “Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.” Formless, empty, darkness, in a word, chaos. This was the beginning and God, our God, came; He established order, brought beauty and peace into what was previously nothing. Our God came and spoke into the unknown. Something I don’t see a lot of today, especially from myself.
So I don’t fault the doctor for not sticking his neck out, nobody else does. And this is why I think reason 1. exists. Not as a cause, but an effect. The cause is this world going away from the truth of its purpose, from its Creator. The effect is to hammer down anyone that would speak into the darkness as their Creator does. We want to beat out any image of the Divine. And we do it well, very well.
It is ironic though, that book ending this blog is Cheney. His response to the shooting is to take full responsibility. “I pulled the trigger, I am the only one at fault.” Is he a strong man? I don’t know, and I am certainly not advocating one way or the other, but speaking out is a start.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
The other day (I must confess that I should have written this blog that other day, but my life does not lend itself to the freedom to sit at a computer and type my thoughts. In the evenings the last thing I want to do is come home and be on the computer after having spent the entire day at one.) NPR was interviewing a cardiologist; questioning him about the severity and significance of the heart attack Harry Whittington had had days after being shot. The interviewer kept asking questions of the doctor: “How dangerous is this?” “What could be the long term effects?” “Is this heart attack serious?” The doctor, an “expert” in this field and more knowledgeable, I hope, than your average American, never once answered a question. He would say things like, “I haven’t seen the medical reports so I just can’t say for certain.” I was in my car at the time and wondered, “Why are you even on the radio program at all?”
This doctor was called upon to give his opinion. He didn’t. Why? I mentioned this to a pastor friend of mine. (Him being a pastor is inconsequential, he just happens to be one and I figured I would through that in so you all will know I hang with the right crowd.) He said that was the prudent thing to do. This doctor didn’t know the specific situation so don’t say anything. But I see it differently. The doctor wasn’t being asked to do anything more than educate some people, but he saw it as sticking his neck out. If he said something that was wrong, then he could, some how, be held liable? What, the doctors treating Harry would hear his opinion and change their own diagnosis and therefore be able to hold this other doctor accountable for his words? What is that all about?
Here is what I think. A couple things are at play in this whole scenario. 1. Americans are so unwilling to take responsibility for their actions that we look for anyone and anything to blame and hold accountable. 2. Humans, the men half in particular, are a bit weak in their own right and don’t know how to stand on their own two feet or convictions.
Where is all this coming from? Again, patience.
These last few months of my life have been marked by a resurgence of self evaluation. Now I have always been a bit reflective. Ok, there is no bit about it. But these last few have had some times of extreme confusion and seeking. One of the biggest areas has been in the realm of weak versus strong men. What do they look like? What characteristics are marked by a strong man? A weak one? The answer I have come up with is, “I don’t know?” My ignorance is not due to a personal lack but what I think is a universal inability. (Again, there is also a good amount of personal lack involved, but let’s not go there.) I don’t think that there is a concrete definition of strength that is possible on this earth, in human terms. Strength is like pornography as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said in 1964, “I can’t define it, but I know it when I see it.” We all can look at another person and decide on human terms if they are strong or weak. Sometimes it has to do with their position, or related wealth. It may be physical, in terms of mere mass, although I think most would be quick to say that a lot of buff dudes are so to cover up their true selves. It may be based on their presence and command of an audience. There are many other factors and all of these external characteristics are effortlessly put in the category of strength. But is that real strength?
Real strength can only be defined by the creator of it. Just as beauty can only be define by the creator of beauty. If you want to know what a painting, or sculpture, or poem, tome, drawing, building, or any other form of created thing means, then you have to ask the creator. No amount of speculation will ever be 100% accurate. So true strength is not defined by anything of this world, though the previous mentioned attributes are some of its by-products, but by something so completely other-worldly.
“If God’s moral judgement differs from ours so that our ‘black’ may be His ‘white’, we can mean nothing by calling Him good for to say ‘God is good’, while asserting that His goodness is wholly other than ours, is really only to say ‘God is we know not what’.” – C.S. Lewis
Here is why I don’t think that we, as humans, will ever fully be able to define it, or anything else of a Divine nature. “God is we know not what.” This is true as it relates to His goodness as much as to His strength, justice, mercy, grace, love, or faithfulness. The best I can do is to say that true strength is defined as true godliness. Look at the character of God, the creator of strength, and you will see the character of strength.
What does that look like then, the character of God? Wow, “there are also many other things which Jesus did, which if they were written in detail, I suppose that even the world itself would not contain the books that would be written.” But I love the image set forth before time began. “Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.” Formless, empty, darkness, in a word, chaos. This was the beginning and God, our God, came; He established order, brought beauty and peace into what was previously nothing. Our God came and spoke into the unknown. Something I don’t see a lot of today, especially from myself.
So I don’t fault the doctor for not sticking his neck out, nobody else does. And this is why I think reason 1. exists. Not as a cause, but an effect. The cause is this world going away from the truth of its purpose, from its Creator. The effect is to hammer down anyone that would speak into the darkness as their Creator does. We want to beat out any image of the Divine. And we do it well, very well.
It is ironic though, that book ending this blog is Cheney. His response to the shooting is to take full responsibility. “I pulled the trigger, I am the only one at fault.” Is he a strong man? I don’t know, and I am certainly not advocating one way or the other, but speaking out is a start.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Thursday, February 9, 2006
Finally
I am not sure if anyone else is happy that that one post is gone. You know the one. The world map post that was wider than the average post and made my sidebar drop to the bottom of the screen. Well, at least I am glad it is gone, it was annoying.
I am personning the phones at work. Which are part of my duties as Admin Be'och, or Man Slave as I have most affectionately been called. It is not bad now that I have figured out how to use them, oh there is a call...
One of the perks of personning the phones is that you have relative freedom to do nothing else but that. I do try and get a bit of other work done, but more or less I spend the time on the Internet, guilt free. As I was surfing a bit, I realized that I could also sit here and type a blog or two. Or just one, because I am at the tail end of this personning and the regular phone personner is on her way back.
Work is still going well, although I haven't figured out how the rest of the world works 40 hours each week. Seriously, you work every day and that is just about all you do during the week. I am now looking to cut back a few of the other things that I do in the evening, but that is not easy. The choices are: Young Life, UCU, Community Group, or Bible Class. None of which I want to give up. I have decided not to add anything new. I was interested in helping out with the Youth Group at my church, but that will have to be put off until I finish class.
Now she is back and I must go.
I am personning the phones at work. Which are part of my duties as Admin Be'och, or Man Slave as I have most affectionately been called. It is not bad now that I have figured out how to use them, oh there is a call...
One of the perks of personning the phones is that you have relative freedom to do nothing else but that. I do try and get a bit of other work done, but more or less I spend the time on the Internet, guilt free. As I was surfing a bit, I realized that I could also sit here and type a blog or two. Or just one, because I am at the tail end of this personning and the regular phone personner is on her way back.
Work is still going well, although I haven't figured out how the rest of the world works 40 hours each week. Seriously, you work every day and that is just about all you do during the week. I am now looking to cut back a few of the other things that I do in the evening, but that is not easy. The choices are: Young Life, UCU, Community Group, or Bible Class. None of which I want to give up. I have decided not to add anything new. I was interested in helping out with the Youth Group at my church, but that will have to be put off until I finish class.
Now she is back and I must go.
Sunday, February 5, 2006
Super bowl over
We will see where this goes. I honestly can't say because my mind is literally in a 1000 places right now. If itwasn't 10:10 on a Sunday night, work looming in the near future, and if I had enough speed and caffeine to keep me awake, I could write a book. I will give it my best shot and most likely what you, the masses, read will not be what was penned this evening.
As mentioned, it is 10:10 on Sunday evening. Black Sunday as it will now be known, and said first (maybe) by yours truly. The Seahawks lost tonight. Which is not even close to why I am in the state that I am in. It was a glorious run, for what looked like a better part of three quarters, I was feeling a victory, but alas the gods were against us. It is probably because we are the least churched city in American and you know how they love their churches. But enough about that. I really don't care and I know no one will believe me, especially after I start this blog with them. But in my defense, they are the biggest pop culture event and as I have always been one to play to the masses, you got to catch them in their place. Feed the animal and it will come back for more. Seriously, I make good money writing this shtuff and I know where my base is.
The really story, however, lies in the after game show. That show and everything things else that has happened in my life over the last three weeks. Three weeks, what is that? It is absurd to think that the feelings I have after only three weeks, which was preceded by maybe a month, are feelings I could possibly consider really. What are three weeks in eternity, what is a month? Sorry, I am off subject.
The after game show was of the recently nominated film, Crash. And film would be the appropriate designation. My brother and I, when we were out "bonding", were talking over the last holidays about the difference between a movie and a film. I don't remember what a lot of those distinctions where, but I can tell you what I do remember and I know that from what I remember that Crash is a film. Crash is probably the most profound movie I have seen in, forever. Well, forever is a long time, so let's go with, "as long as I can remember at this point."
The thing with the movie is that it fits right into everything I have been reading and hearing about us pathetic humans. Here is the deal. We suck! Really, we suck hard core. There is nothing good about us, and if you think otherwise, that just proves my point. In crash, there wasn't one good person. Anyone you thought was good ended up being bad, and the bad guys came out looking a little better, but only a little. All of them sucked. And that is humans. We suck!
On my Sundays, I am told that time and time again. It sounds harsh to hear it here, and it even sounds that way on most Sundays, but it sounds harsh because it is true. "Reality is like a fine wine, it doesn't appeal to children." - stolen from a quote of a quote of a book by an author who I read once, recently. When I read that, the world made sense, if only for the moment. I am a child and I don't like the reality of life because it is hard, and harsh, and no fun and work, and people are mean and they suck and they are selfish, cruel, bias, racist, short sighted, ignorant, blind, deaf, and dumb. If we weren't like that then the world would be heaven. But it is so obviously not heaven that at times I want to scream. Luckily those times are few and far between and even in those few and far times, I can manage to go without because I know a little something else. (OK maybe I do scream, but I would deny it and you couldn't prove it if you wanted to.)
What I am trying to say is that I suck too. All those adjectives describe me just as much as the next human. Everyone says it, only in a nicer way. "Nobody's perfect! We all make mistakes." In Crash, I related to so many of the characters. The one I related to the most today was the TV producer/director. The tragic scene where his wife is being, well, raped, by that sleazy cop and he just stands there silent, is more than I can
As mentioned, it is 10:10 on Sunday evening. Black Sunday as it will now be known, and said first (maybe) by yours truly. The Seahawks lost tonight. Which is not even close to why I am in the state that I am in. It was a glorious run, for what looked like a better part of three quarters, I was feeling a victory, but alas the gods were against us. It is probably because we are the least churched city in American and you know how they love their churches. But enough about that. I really don't care and I know no one will believe me, especially after I start this blog with them. But in my defense, they are the biggest pop culture event and as I have always been one to play to the masses, you got to catch them in their place. Feed the animal and it will come back for more. Seriously, I make good money writing this shtuff and I know where my base is.
The really story, however, lies in the after game show. That show and everything things else that has happened in my life over the last three weeks. Three weeks, what is that? It is absurd to think that the feelings I have after only three weeks, which was preceded by maybe a month, are feelings I could possibly consider really. What are three weeks in eternity, what is a month? Sorry, I am off subject.
The after game show was of the recently nominated film, Crash. And film would be the appropriate designation. My brother and I, when we were out "bonding", were talking over the last holidays about the difference between a movie and a film. I don't remember what a lot of those distinctions where, but I can tell you what I do remember and I know that from what I remember that Crash is a film. Crash is probably the most profound movie I have seen in, forever. Well, forever is a long time, so let's go with, "as long as I can remember at this point."
The thing with the movie is that it fits right into everything I have been reading and hearing about us pathetic humans. Here is the deal. We suck! Really, we suck hard core. There is nothing good about us, and if you think otherwise, that just proves my point. In crash, there wasn't one good person. Anyone you thought was good ended up being bad, and the bad guys came out looking a little better, but only a little. All of them sucked. And that is humans. We suck!
On my Sundays, I am told that time and time again. It sounds harsh to hear it here, and it even sounds that way on most Sundays, but it sounds harsh because it is true. "Reality is like a fine wine, it doesn't appeal to children." - stolen from a quote of a quote of a book by an author who I read once, recently. When I read that, the world made sense, if only for the moment. I am a child and I don't like the reality of life because it is hard, and harsh, and no fun and work, and people are mean and they suck and they are selfish, cruel, bias, racist, short sighted, ignorant, blind, deaf, and dumb. If we weren't like that then the world would be heaven. But it is so obviously not heaven that at times I want to scream. Luckily those times are few and far between and even in those few and far times, I can manage to go without because I know a little something else. (OK maybe I do scream, but I would deny it and you couldn't prove it if you wanted to.)
What I am trying to say is that I suck too. All those adjectives describe me just as much as the next human. Everyone says it, only in a nicer way. "Nobody's perfect! We all make mistakes." In Crash, I related to so many of the characters. The one I related to the most today was the TV producer/director. The tragic scene where his wife is being, well, raped, by that sleazy cop and he just stands there silent, is more than I can
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Update
So a short update is in order. It would be a good guess that if anyone is still reading this blog, then they would be interested in the following happenings. If you read this blog because of all the insightful, witty, and intelligent blogs that normally happen, then you will want to skip this one as it will be all about me.
Let’s start with the most recent stuff and work backwards.
I just finished my first three days of working for Clothier & Head PS. When I say work, I mean an actual position for which I will receive money and a W-2 (I mention that because if you have clicked the link you will see that C&H is a CPA firm). My position can best be described as mail boy, but I quickly moved beyond that and into a word processor position. When I say quickly, I mean they moved me before day one; it was nothing of my doing. In the capacity of word processing, my job duties are not limited to, but include the following: typing up tax forms on an ancient IBM word processor( i.e. mastering white-out, yelling at the machine, and wondering often what century it is.), scanning hard copies of documents into soft copies, typing up and editing letters, inputting new client information into the computers (this includes putting the same information into three different databases, none of which talk to each other, a problem soon to be rectified), making coffee, cleaning the kitchen, answering the phones, and anything else that the lowest man on the totem pole would do.
After three days, I am pretty excited. Let me explain why. This is a great company, about 50 people total, with a great atmosphere and climate. At various times throughout the year, I am told, the entire company has a 5:01. This is when at exactly 5:01pm, company purchased beer and wine, cheese, crackers, and anything else snacky, are laid out in the café and a party ensues. We had one of these just yesterday as a kick off for the busy tax season coming up. I was pouring myself a nice Merlot when the CEO, Mike Vanderslice, aka The Slice, looks up and says, “Jason, how has your first week been?” He remembered my name, pretty cool. We then proceeded to talk for the next 20 minutes about the company, my observations, my history, and such. I was in a sort of kissing ass mood and proceeded to be very complimentary of the company, him as the CEO, and the general attitudes and philosophies that I had seen such far. Let me continue that here and say that he and the company are pretty cool. At one point he asked me why a helicopter captain, army officer, was doing his word processing. I explained my goals in ministry a bit and he seemed very interested. The best part of the conversation was when we talked about leadership. Having some experience in that, I told him how I saw that his company had some markers of good leaders; I explained my philosophy of how it is the leader’s job to make the life of those working for him easier, essentially, the leader works for the lead. The Slice asked me if I had heard of a concept called servant leadership. Hmm… I said I had.
This new job has been long in coming, I really do enjoy my co-workers, and the work itself is super easy. The first day, I found myself folding envelopes. For about three hours I stood there, all dressed up in a shirt with buttons, non-cargo-pants, and black leather, Allen Edmonds, $285.00, shoes, folding thousands of folders. My thoughts were, “I can’t believe I am folding these things”, followed quickly by, “I can’t believe they are paying me to fold these things.” It should be interesting to see just what God has in store in that place. His glory I am guessing.
Other things: I moved to Ballard, I might have mentioned that; I did get a new car, 1993 Honda Accord EX, sunroof and all. The mechanic has it right now to check up on things. Frustratingly, I gave it to him last Tuesday and when I called him yesterday, he still hadn’t gotten to it. The Holidays were spent in Georgia. I turned 30 (Had the best birthday in years. Three friends and I drove to Cannon Beach, about 4 hours, for lunch.). Doing more at Mars Hill. I was moved into the service lead for the security team at the 0830 and will hopefully start doing stuff with PROXY, the youth group. That is about all I care to share at this point.
Life is going pretty good. It is definitely better than I deserve.
It is tomorrow.
Let’s start with the most recent stuff and work backwards.
I just finished my first three days of working for Clothier & Head PS. When I say work, I mean an actual position for which I will receive money and a W-2 (I mention that because if you have clicked the link you will see that C&H is a CPA firm). My position can best be described as mail boy, but I quickly moved beyond that and into a word processor position. When I say quickly, I mean they moved me before day one; it was nothing of my doing. In the capacity of word processing, my job duties are not limited to, but include the following: typing up tax forms on an ancient IBM word processor( i.e. mastering white-out, yelling at the machine, and wondering often what century it is.), scanning hard copies of documents into soft copies, typing up and editing letters, inputting new client information into the computers (this includes putting the same information into three different databases, none of which talk to each other, a problem soon to be rectified), making coffee, cleaning the kitchen, answering the phones, and anything else that the lowest man on the totem pole would do.
After three days, I am pretty excited. Let me explain why. This is a great company, about 50 people total, with a great atmosphere and climate. At various times throughout the year, I am told, the entire company has a 5:01. This is when at exactly 5:01pm, company purchased beer and wine, cheese, crackers, and anything else snacky, are laid out in the café and a party ensues. We had one of these just yesterday as a kick off for the busy tax season coming up. I was pouring myself a nice Merlot when the CEO, Mike Vanderslice, aka The Slice, looks up and says, “Jason, how has your first week been?” He remembered my name, pretty cool. We then proceeded to talk for the next 20 minutes about the company, my observations, my history, and such. I was in a sort of kissing ass mood and proceeded to be very complimentary of the company, him as the CEO, and the general attitudes and philosophies that I had seen such far. Let me continue that here and say that he and the company are pretty cool. At one point he asked me why a helicopter captain, army officer, was doing his word processing. I explained my goals in ministry a bit and he seemed very interested. The best part of the conversation was when we talked about leadership. Having some experience in that, I told him how I saw that his company had some markers of good leaders; I explained my philosophy of how it is the leader’s job to make the life of those working for him easier, essentially, the leader works for the lead. The Slice asked me if I had heard of a concept called servant leadership. Hmm… I said I had.
This new job has been long in coming, I really do enjoy my co-workers, and the work itself is super easy. The first day, I found myself folding envelopes. For about three hours I stood there, all dressed up in a shirt with buttons, non-cargo-pants, and black leather, Allen Edmonds, $285.00, shoes, folding thousands of folders. My thoughts were, “I can’t believe I am folding these things”, followed quickly by, “I can’t believe they are paying me to fold these things.” It should be interesting to see just what God has in store in that place. His glory I am guessing.
Other things: I moved to Ballard, I might have mentioned that; I did get a new car, 1993 Honda Accord EX, sunroof and all. The mechanic has it right now to check up on things. Frustratingly, I gave it to him last Tuesday and when I called him yesterday, he still hadn’t gotten to it. The Holidays were spent in Georgia. I turned 30 (Had the best birthday in years. Three friends and I drove to Cannon Beach, about 4 hours, for lunch.). Doing more at Mars Hill. I was moved into the service lead for the security team at the 0830 and will hopefully start doing stuff with PROXY, the youth group. That is about all I care to share at this point.
Life is going pretty good. It is definitely better than I deserve.
It is tomorrow.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Why is racism?
A quick thought, not even really developed, but since I was sitting at the computer…
Why is racism?
Why is there racism at all? Really, it doesn’t actually make sense in the bigger picture because all it does is make things worse for everyone. Here is an idea from Searching for God knows what.
Remember the question back in grade school? There are five, seven, ten people in a lifeboat; a white male lawyer, and black female doctor, a crippled boy, a stay-at-home mom, a garbage man, a, you figure out the rest. A decision has to be made. For the rest of the people to survive, one person has to be thrown overboard and killed. Murdered that is. Who would you pick? I remember doing this in junior high. I am guessing everyone has done this little sociological test at one point or another. It is a great test to see how people think, but what about the idea of the test itself. Where did the idea that not everyone gets to survive come from?
I think that this test is a marker of how we think, we meaning humans, all of us. There is something inside of us that makes us think that not everyone is going to survive and so it is an issue of figuring out if you are the one at the bottom of everyone’s list and are going to be thrown overboard. When we start to think this way… Start! It isn’t a matter of starting it is one of continuing; we didn’t start this fire, and when I say we, I mean those humans living today. Since we think this way, it is everyone’s goal to not be on the bottom. Racism is maybe the easiest way to not be on the bottom. If you can discount an entire race of humanity, then you are already above and safer than a certain large percentage of the population. That makes sense, but only in the context of someone being thrown out.
But what if? What if there isn’t a top and bottom or being thrown overboard isn’t a bad thing? That would mean those that are are laughing at the rest of us who thought we were succeeding. But I can’t say for sure because I am pretty sure I am still in the boat. There are a lot of people in my world below me. Sad, I know, you don’t have to point it out.
Chew on that for a while.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Why is racism?
Why is there racism at all? Really, it doesn’t actually make sense in the bigger picture because all it does is make things worse for everyone. Here is an idea from Searching for God knows what.
Remember the question back in grade school? There are five, seven, ten people in a lifeboat; a white male lawyer, and black female doctor, a crippled boy, a stay-at-home mom, a garbage man, a, you figure out the rest. A decision has to be made. For the rest of the people to survive, one person has to be thrown overboard and killed. Murdered that is. Who would you pick? I remember doing this in junior high. I am guessing everyone has done this little sociological test at one point or another. It is a great test to see how people think, but what about the idea of the test itself. Where did the idea that not everyone gets to survive come from?
I think that this test is a marker of how we think, we meaning humans, all of us. There is something inside of us that makes us think that not everyone is going to survive and so it is an issue of figuring out if you are the one at the bottom of everyone’s list and are going to be thrown overboard. When we start to think this way… Start! It isn’t a matter of starting it is one of continuing; we didn’t start this fire, and when I say we, I mean those humans living today. Since we think this way, it is everyone’s goal to not be on the bottom. Racism is maybe the easiest way to not be on the bottom. If you can discount an entire race of humanity, then you are already above and safer than a certain large percentage of the population. That makes sense, but only in the context of someone being thrown out.
But what if? What if there isn’t a top and bottom or being thrown overboard isn’t a bad thing? That would mean those that are are laughing at the rest of us who thought we were succeeding. But I can’t say for sure because I am pretty sure I am still in the boat. There are a lot of people in my world below me. Sad, I know, you don’t have to point it out.
Chew on that for a while.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Thursday, January 5, 2006
Adam and Eve
There have been a number of things running through my mind these past weeks and I should probably split them into a few different posts. The problem is I haven’t seemed to be able to post even a little in that time so here goes.
The first thing that must be said is probably the most profound statement ever made. And when I say profound, I don’t mean by me, I mean profound in the whole history of the universe, the whole history of humanity. And it isn’t anything that probably any of you haven’t heard a hundred times before. So why I would even say it now doesn’t make sense to me, but just the other day it hit me again. Like a ton of bricks it hit me. And here is that profound, utterly fascinating and wholly unfathomable statement:
God Loves You!
I know what you are saying, or maybe thinking because if you are saying it then you are probably getting some weird looks (that is if you are at the library or a coffee shop). You are thinking, “Duh! Of course He does!” But here is where I feel a little like Robin Williams.
“God loves you”
“I know”
“No you don’t, God loves you.”
“I know”
“No listen to me son, God… loves… you!”
“I know that”
“God loves you”
“God loves you”
“Don’t f#% with me Jesus, not you”
“God loves you”
We don’t get it. I don’t get it. Every once in a while, on that small island called my mind, I see a glimpse of this reality. And when I do, it is so scary and amazingly wonderful at the same time, that every time, I do just like Will did. See here is a truth that is so far beyond my comprehension that I quickly pass over the depth of the thought. Even now I can’t explain it, not here. This is a thought for people so much smarter than I. People like the following authors whose books that have brought about the second and last of my ideas.
(Lets pause a moment and discuss tonight’s refreshment. I am at my buddy’s, Chris Landry, place. It is an Army weekend and Chris is so incredibly kind each and every one to offer up his home and his spirits. Tonight’s is a 10 year old single malt whisky from The Balvenie Distillery, Banffshire, Scotland. Good stuff. You might remember that I drink it straight, no ice. I love to hold it in my mouth and savor the flavor. A really good scotch goes down so smooth you don’t even feel it. This isn’t that, but it is still good enough to savor. Good enough to hold for a moment, breath deep and then let it trickle down the back of your throat and settle in your stomach. A warm sensation begins deep inside as it melts into me and reminds me of the good old days back in ‘05 when life was simpler. Oh…, what a trip!)
There have been a couple ideas that have been exploring my island recently and meet tonight. The first comes from the series of Eldridge books. When God spoke, He had a plan. That plan was screwed up by its participants and the result was a big mess for all involved. Now it is probably sacrilegious or something to say that The Big Guy was in a mess, but it is starting to appear that way to me. But I don’t want to go into that, our mess is obvious. Eldridge, and now his wife, say that everyone is messed up and guys and girls are both screwed, but in different ways.
A guy is screwed in his strength. His biggest question is, “Do I have what it takes?” He, and when I say he, I mean me, goes through life trying desperately to answer that question. And because we are all in a mess, that answer tries to come from many places, but in the end, only one place knows what the answer is and can hence give it as the ultimate satisfaction of said man, i.e. me. Unfortunately, like Will, we miss the point so often and look at all the false answers instead of The Answer.
Women are screwed in their, well something else, and they ask everyday, “Am I lovely?” And just as sadly as the men, they look for the answer in the myriad of places that would be so willing to sell their dime store excuses to the fallen. In the same way for both men and women, “there can be only One.” So two halves to humanity, two questions. But are there really two questions?
No, there really is only one. “Who am I?” Since the man is intricately designed to be defined by his strength and likewise the women was woven in time to be the climatical being of glory, that one question is foundationally divided at its root. And my question simply is, “Why?”
An answer follows:
I am in the middle of reading “Searching for God knows what” by Donald Miller. (I feel a little guilty because I was at a talk he gave back in late November early December and it was very thought provoking. Normally I would have penned my thoughts for the masses, but there were other things going on and writing had taken a back seat. I wish I could say my car accident was one of those things, but it was at the earliest a week later so I can’t use that great and sympathy producing one.) Only a few chapters in, to be exact, and the theme of the book I have picked up on is one of relationships. This is what Don was talking about a few weeks ago and seems to be his mantra. “We are relational.” We were created to be in relationship. This isn’t a new idea, but here are some thoughts.
If God created us to be in relationships, especially with Him, then it goes without saying that we would be incomplete without them. C.S Lewis says that all throughout the history of humanity we have needed to be defined by something other than ourselves. There is an innate desire to know what others think about us. I, and all these other much smarter people, believe that to be true because that is how we where made. God made me and you to be in a relationship with Him, to be told by Him who we are, and when He isn’t there, we look for the next best thing. So when we ask, “Who am I?”, we are only doing what we were made to do.
Now here is where God did His amazing, His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, thing. In designing us to be in a relationship with Him, he also made man and woman just different enough so that we would compliment and push each other to want that relationship. (Last draw, oh what simple pleasures.) A man needs to know he is strong and a woman, lovely. That can only be perfectly answered by The One that is both perfect strength and perfect beauty, but in our fallen state, we only have glimpses and traces of The Truth.
Moses penned the beginning. He writes about the trees, and the fruit, and the naked humans enjoying their personal existence. But is it all joy? Yes it is, for a time. So then what about the aloneness? The pre-taking-a-bite-for-crime aloneness. It is there, and as Sailhamer through Miller points out, it was a good bit of time. God states that it is not good for man to be alone, and then he proceeds to parade the entire earth before him so that they all can get into the phone book. Guesses are that it was maybe a hundred years. So God says, in his best impression of James Earl Jones, “You need someone, lets slow cook for the next five score and really build the anticipation.” Granted Adam probably didn’t know what was coming, but if he did, he was one patient man. What was Adam doing for that 100 or so years? Working, yes. Keeping busy, no doubt. But was he complete, no.
This is where I start to wonder, “What was God accomplishing in those hundred years?” If I can relate it to my own life, He was making Adam into the man He wanted to be in a relationship with. Adam, like the rest of us, needed to grow.
So God used the waiting for Eve to mold Adam, just like he probably uses the waiting in our, my, life to mold us, me. And this helps answer those two questions. A scenario:
A man needs to know he is strong; he needs that confirmation more than life itself. What better way than to find it in the perseverance of earning the most glorious creation? A woman needs to know she is lovely, more than anything. What better way than to find it in the perseverance of earning the most glorious creation? See how we fit together. If a man doesn’t strive, work, endure, endeavor, pursue, then what is the value of the accomplishment? He has to do all those things. He has to. A woman has to be won with striving, work, endurance, endeavor, pursuit. She has to. I am not saying that a man and a woman complete each other, not at all. I am saying that a man and a woman are tools used to complete each other. We are all tools.
My good friend Anjie honestly asked what a woman should do when it comes to relationships. Things seem to be broken in the whole relationship system, and I have spent a good amount of time talking about what a dude should do, but what about the other 50% of the world. Well, they have to be pursued. Is that easy? It would seem so at first glance. “Hey, boys, here I am sitting on my porch waiting, come, pursue.” In my mind, that seems like the easier road. But ask any girl, and I have, if it is easy to wait, and they will let you know the real truth, sometimes more than once. Heck no it isn’t easy. With each passing day, their question isn’t answered in the affirmative and hence is answered in the negative. Just as with each passing day for a man, their question is answered, “maybe you really don’t have it?”
So they have to be pursued, and in my black and white world, the longer and harder the pursuit, the louder the YES is the answer of the questions on both ends. I am starting to think that the system is harder for the ladies because they have to deal with a class of men that are wimps, that give up well before the questions can be truly answered. I don’t blame them for giving in to early in the downward spiral that is this world. I wish they wouldn’t, but I don’t blame them.
So the next, and last, question is, “is it all worth it?”
Heck Yes!!!
It is tomorrow.
Jason
The first thing that must be said is probably the most profound statement ever made. And when I say profound, I don’t mean by me, I mean profound in the whole history of the universe, the whole history of humanity. And it isn’t anything that probably any of you haven’t heard a hundred times before. So why I would even say it now doesn’t make sense to me, but just the other day it hit me again. Like a ton of bricks it hit me. And here is that profound, utterly fascinating and wholly unfathomable statement:
God Loves You!
I know what you are saying, or maybe thinking because if you are saying it then you are probably getting some weird looks (that is if you are at the library or a coffee shop). You are thinking, “Duh! Of course He does!” But here is where I feel a little like Robin Williams.
“God loves you”
“I know”
“No you don’t, God loves you.”
“I know”
“No listen to me son, God… loves… you!”
“I know that”
“God loves you”
“God loves you”
“Don’t f#% with me Jesus, not you”
“God loves you”
We don’t get it. I don’t get it. Every once in a while, on that small island called my mind, I see a glimpse of this reality. And when I do, it is so scary and amazingly wonderful at the same time, that every time, I do just like Will did. See here is a truth that is so far beyond my comprehension that I quickly pass over the depth of the thought. Even now I can’t explain it, not here. This is a thought for people so much smarter than I. People like the following authors whose books that have brought about the second and last of my ideas.
(Lets pause a moment and discuss tonight’s refreshment. I am at my buddy’s, Chris Landry, place. It is an Army weekend and Chris is so incredibly kind each and every one to offer up his home and his spirits. Tonight’s is a 10 year old single malt whisky from The Balvenie Distillery, Banffshire, Scotland. Good stuff. You might remember that I drink it straight, no ice. I love to hold it in my mouth and savor the flavor. A really good scotch goes down so smooth you don’t even feel it. This isn’t that, but it is still good enough to savor. Good enough to hold for a moment, breath deep and then let it trickle down the back of your throat and settle in your stomach. A warm sensation begins deep inside as it melts into me and reminds me of the good old days back in ‘05 when life was simpler. Oh…, what a trip!)
There have been a couple ideas that have been exploring my island recently and meet tonight. The first comes from the series of Eldridge books. When God spoke, He had a plan. That plan was screwed up by its participants and the result was a big mess for all involved. Now it is probably sacrilegious or something to say that The Big Guy was in a mess, but it is starting to appear that way to me. But I don’t want to go into that, our mess is obvious. Eldridge, and now his wife, say that everyone is messed up and guys and girls are both screwed, but in different ways.
A guy is screwed in his strength. His biggest question is, “Do I have what it takes?” He, and when I say he, I mean me, goes through life trying desperately to answer that question. And because we are all in a mess, that answer tries to come from many places, but in the end, only one place knows what the answer is and can hence give it as the ultimate satisfaction of said man, i.e. me. Unfortunately, like Will, we miss the point so often and look at all the false answers instead of The Answer.
Women are screwed in their, well something else, and they ask everyday, “Am I lovely?” And just as sadly as the men, they look for the answer in the myriad of places that would be so willing to sell their dime store excuses to the fallen. In the same way for both men and women, “there can be only One.” So two halves to humanity, two questions. But are there really two questions?
No, there really is only one. “Who am I?” Since the man is intricately designed to be defined by his strength and likewise the women was woven in time to be the climatical being of glory, that one question is foundationally divided at its root. And my question simply is, “Why?”
An answer follows:
I am in the middle of reading “Searching for God knows what” by Donald Miller. (I feel a little guilty because I was at a talk he gave back in late November early December and it was very thought provoking. Normally I would have penned my thoughts for the masses, but there were other things going on and writing had taken a back seat. I wish I could say my car accident was one of those things, but it was at the earliest a week later so I can’t use that great and sympathy producing one.) Only a few chapters in, to be exact, and the theme of the book I have picked up on is one of relationships. This is what Don was talking about a few weeks ago and seems to be his mantra. “We are relational.” We were created to be in relationship. This isn’t a new idea, but here are some thoughts.
If God created us to be in relationships, especially with Him, then it goes without saying that we would be incomplete without them. C.S Lewis says that all throughout the history of humanity we have needed to be defined by something other than ourselves. There is an innate desire to know what others think about us. I, and all these other much smarter people, believe that to be true because that is how we where made. God made me and you to be in a relationship with Him, to be told by Him who we are, and when He isn’t there, we look for the next best thing. So when we ask, “Who am I?”, we are only doing what we were made to do.
Now here is where God did His amazing, His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, thing. In designing us to be in a relationship with Him, he also made man and woman just different enough so that we would compliment and push each other to want that relationship. (Last draw, oh what simple pleasures.) A man needs to know he is strong and a woman, lovely. That can only be perfectly answered by The One that is both perfect strength and perfect beauty, but in our fallen state, we only have glimpses and traces of The Truth.
Moses penned the beginning. He writes about the trees, and the fruit, and the naked humans enjoying their personal existence. But is it all joy? Yes it is, for a time. So then what about the aloneness? The pre-taking-a-bite-for-crime aloneness. It is there, and as Sailhamer through Miller points out, it was a good bit of time. God states that it is not good for man to be alone, and then he proceeds to parade the entire earth before him so that they all can get into the phone book. Guesses are that it was maybe a hundred years. So God says, in his best impression of James Earl Jones, “You need someone, lets slow cook for the next five score and really build the anticipation.” Granted Adam probably didn’t know what was coming, but if he did, he was one patient man. What was Adam doing for that 100 or so years? Working, yes. Keeping busy, no doubt. But was he complete, no.
This is where I start to wonder, “What was God accomplishing in those hundred years?” If I can relate it to my own life, He was making Adam into the man He wanted to be in a relationship with. Adam, like the rest of us, needed to grow.
So God used the waiting for Eve to mold Adam, just like he probably uses the waiting in our, my, life to mold us, me. And this helps answer those two questions. A scenario:
A man needs to know he is strong; he needs that confirmation more than life itself. What better way than to find it in the perseverance of earning the most glorious creation? A woman needs to know she is lovely, more than anything. What better way than to find it in the perseverance of earning the most glorious creation? See how we fit together. If a man doesn’t strive, work, endure, endeavor, pursue, then what is the value of the accomplishment? He has to do all those things. He has to. A woman has to be won with striving, work, endurance, endeavor, pursuit. She has to. I am not saying that a man and a woman complete each other, not at all. I am saying that a man and a woman are tools used to complete each other. We are all tools.
My good friend Anjie honestly asked what a woman should do when it comes to relationships. Things seem to be broken in the whole relationship system, and I have spent a good amount of time talking about what a dude should do, but what about the other 50% of the world. Well, they have to be pursued. Is that easy? It would seem so at first glance. “Hey, boys, here I am sitting on my porch waiting, come, pursue.” In my mind, that seems like the easier road. But ask any girl, and I have, if it is easy to wait, and they will let you know the real truth, sometimes more than once. Heck no it isn’t easy. With each passing day, their question isn’t answered in the affirmative and hence is answered in the negative. Just as with each passing day for a man, their question is answered, “maybe you really don’t have it?”
So they have to be pursued, and in my black and white world, the longer and harder the pursuit, the louder the YES is the answer of the questions on both ends. I am starting to think that the system is harder for the ladies because they have to deal with a class of men that are wimps, that give up well before the questions can be truly answered. I don’t blame them for giving in to early in the downward spiral that is this world. I wish they wouldn’t, but I don’t blame them.
So the next, and last, question is, “is it all worth it?”
Heck Yes!!!
It is tomorrow.
Jason
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