Now What?

Here is the deal, if confusion was a person, their name would be Jason Haggard. But this isn’t unusual. As you may have guessed, questions are much more common in my life than answers. Or maybe that isn’t the case, the answers are just more difficult to find or maybe except.

If two people enjoy being around each other, are, by their own confession, attracted to each other, and most importantly, desire the same end product in their separate lives, then it would only make sense that those two people should be together. But my dad always said that there is the right person AND the right time; you need both to make a match. If it is the right person but not the right time, then patients is necessary, along with wisdom and perseverance. If it is the right time but not the right person then, again, wisdom is much needed, but this time discernment and faith are indispensable. Then comes the all to obvious question of after seeing that something isn’t right, determining which of the two the culprit is. And that is where I stand today, or at the very present, sit.

It would only make sense, but as I am seeing now, that sense isn’t always something that is made in this world or especially life.



Let the pain begin again. The pain of uncertainty. Why has it begun? What has changed that would cause me to wonder with greater intensity at each passing minute why she is not calling me back. I sit here now, that voice mail hanging out there, my heart with it. For a time I can suppress the thoughts. Write them off to a busy day, a time at church, work, or other. But as time passes, each other becomes impossible. Impossible in my self-centered mind because what could be more important than I. 30 minutes for an important TV show; 1 hour for church; an hour and a half for a movie; 2 hours for dinner with friends so as to not be rude; 3 hours for family; 4 hours on a plane; 5 hours for what?; 7 hours to sleep. At some point this mind can’t reason away the hours. So when does this point happen? Maybe last week I never had to ask this question because it was never more than a few minutes, but that can’t be the case because I know that right now it has only been 1:30 hours and there have been longer delays. It is my faith and trust, those have been abolished. I hate this.

It all worked out

Two days ago, my car was sold for $2000.00. The check was delivered last Saturday, I mailed it to my bank, the money was deposited on Wednesday and now I am no longer the proud owner of a piece of junk, but I am looking to buy another piece of junk for about $2000.00. Any recommendations?

Oh shoot!!

It has been an interesting couple of days and unfortunately I am not really in a mood to talk about them, but since I feel like those people in my life who care would want to know, and instead of sending out a mass email, I realize that a blog does the same thing and only worries people that look at it, I am writing this. Last night while driving to a friend's house, I was hit by a young lady as we both entered an uncontrolled intersection at the same time. She ploughed into my front left fender and succeeded in making my car un-drivable. After much discussion, we decided to handle this without the authorities or insurance companies. Which wasn't difficult seeing that she didn't have an insurance company, or a driver's licenses for that matter. Long story short, she is going to buy my car for $2000.00, which is more than it was worth, but less than what it is going to cost me to replace it. So now I am in the market for another car. Oh, and I am fine if any of you were wondering.

She is supposed to stop by the house tomorrow and give me the money. We will see!

It is tomorrow.

Jason

To a Hammer...

So I was listening to the radio on the way home from the thing that I do on a fairly regular basis for which I am not getting paid but most would consider work but I don't since I am really against the idea of work, and the dude on the radio made this statement:

"To a hammer, everything looks like a nail!"

He said it like it is a common cliche. I have never heard that saying before. Now, granted, I haven't heard everything there ever is, but he said it in such passing that I felt like I should have heard it a hundred times before, but the thing that caught my attention is the coolness of the statement.

Anyway, I just thought that was worth mentioning. I don't have anything else to add.

It is tomorrow.

Jason

Where in the world?

I found this site and normally don't like these sort of surveys, but this one was interesting. I love to travel so I figured here wasa good place to save the link.

Here are all the countries I have been to, 17 in total. One day, I would love to fill this in completely.




create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

Nothing is easy!

Why do we do it at all? Interact with another human being that is. There is nothing easy about it. Well, almost nothing. Let me explain. Better yet, let’s talk about the movies.

I watched When Harry met Sally today. It is possible that I had seen that movie before, but doubtful. Maybe at one time or another, I had seen the entire movie, but today was probably the first time I did it in one sitting. It is a good movie. Actually it is a great movie. A lot of it had to do with the intelligent comedy. Intelligent comedy is my favorite. (Intelligent comedy, as opposed to stupid comedy, comes from the proper use of timing, dialogue and subject rather than crass and lude sexual jokes. Austin Powers Goldmember, watched two days ago, falls into the second category.) It has been a while since I have seen anything with Billy Crystal in it and I forget how funny he really is. But I didn’t come here to write about the comedy of the movie.

When Harry met Sally was also a great movie because it so aptly described relationships, male female ones. Remember the scene near the beginning where Harry is telling Sally that guys and girls can’t be friends because the whole sex thing gets in the way and messes everything up. He goes on to explain his theory further and you will just have to watch the movie if to get those comments. I am not sure if I completely agree with Harry. I would say he is mostly true, but there is the aspect of a “brother” “sister” relationship between a guy and a girl that is possible, I think. Possible, although very difficult. Which brings me back to nothing being easy.

There are a few things going on in my life right now that bring all of these ideas to a head. Some of them have to do with my life itself, and others, the lives of people I know. There will be much greater detail when discussing my life and protective vagueness about the other people. I will start with the others.

I have four housemate, three girls and one guy. Interestingly, my relationship with the three girls is a little closer than with the guy. Some of that has to do with my being in a bible study with the girls, but mostly it is due to my own propensity to hang out with girls instead of guys. (This is an issue with me and something that I probably won’t discuss here. I could go as far as to say it may be a sin that I struggle with, but I won’t. Besides, I think that if you hold things in and don’t address them, it makes things better and they eventually go away.) So with these new relationships, come new insights, and opportunities to put my foot in my mouth and all sorts of fun. But I have also been able to get a closer look at relationships, something I am keying in on because of my own circumstances which I will discuss later.

One of the roomies is working on a friendship. Without going into details, God has told her to obey Him and change some things and now she is dealing with the difficulty in that obedience. I have watched and listened to a lot of what is going on and my conclusion is that, “relationships are hard.” There is also some tension in the house itself. No one is perfect and our living under the same roof brings out personality conflicts and issues that probably wouldn’t exist in another setting. Again, I look around and all I see it that, “relationships are hard.”

So I stand here, (sit actually) and ponder again, “Why do we do it at all?”

Here is an idea:

Somewhere it is written “it is not good for the man to be alone.” OK, why, why, why is it not good for man to be alone? Maybe because we were not made to be alone. Now, to agree with me on this you have to agree with me that we were made and didn’t just happen, but that is a debate you will never see me have. Assuming you agree with me, then if we were made that way, then the important question to ask is why were we made to be in relationships? And what are we supposed to do about it?

My answer is that we were made to be in relationships so that ultimately we could be in a relationship with our Maker. Simple, yet so complex at the same time. Again, I don’t have an explanation for this, it is just my hypothesis. But again, assuming I am right our relationships here, the boyfriend or girlfriend, the mom, dad, brother, sister, the roommate, the wife, the husband, the child, all of these, are showing us a little of what it is like and training us a little more about how to be in a relationship. This way we can ultimately enjoy a perfect relationship with our Maker.

That being the case, I am all for relationships. We should strive to work out each of ours with those around us. See each one as an opportunity to grow and mature. What we should not do is run from them, or try and escape when the going gets tough. And it will get tough.

I recently read, The Great Divorce, by C.S. Lewis. In it he is describing Hell, but in a very different way. Hell in the book is a place where humans go and get everything they want. Initially that wouldn’t seem like a description of Hell, probably because all of you have been so engrained by the Judeo-Christian/Western description of Hell as this hot place that devils and demons will torment bad people like Hitler for a long time, but not forever because forever is a concept you can’t wrap your mind around. But Lewis goes on to explain that in this Hell, humans have taken to extreme the lifestyles that we see becoming a reality in this world. In Hell, the humans are not forced to do anything they don’t want to do, and the result is surprising. See, Hell there is huge; everyone is spread out over millions and millions of miles because nobody wants to interact with anyone else. We get what we want. Things start out fairly normal. A couple meet and are together, maybe even living in the same place. Eventually things become difficult in their relationship and instead of working things out, because it is so easy to move and get another house apart from each other that is what happens. Now the two only have neighbors to deal with. But after a while some thing becomes hard in that place and again, the people move to a neighborhood all their own. This happens again and again until every person in Hell is completely separated from everyone else, no interaction what-so-ever. By the end of the book, we get what we want and what we get sure sounds like hell to me.

There is another story I remember that sounds a lot like hell. In Blue Like Jazz, Don tells of this astronaut that gets lost in space, floating around the earth. Everyone back on earth thinks he is dead so no one goes looking for him. The problem is that he is stuck in this special space suit that will keep him alive. He ends up circling the globe for 50 years, unable to die, communicate with anyone, but always seeing the earth. In the end, old age triumphs and the man dies nothing like a man. Again, sure sounds like hell to me.

I have been trying to conceptualize these two stories in relation to eternity. It is too difficult to do because the idea is too horrific. That concept of hell is much more devastating to me than fire and torment. Which is why it perversely makes more sense. More upsetting than this idea of hell is what I see happening today; how we are starting this separation right now. Everyone lives in their own little world: head-phones, ipods, single passenger drivers, Internet, bill-pay, alberstons.com, telecommuting, direct-deposit, WOW, Sims, Netflix, and so much more. Relationships are replaced with a computer screen, sex with porn, reality with fantasy. Sorry, I got of subject a bit.

All of this relationship crap has hit me because of my own situation. As I have expressed before, I would really like to be married. I desire that because of everything I said before about relationships training us for what lies ahead. The relationship with my Maker before of me, I see marriage as probably the closest manifestation under the sun. What better way to practice? Because of this, I am keenly aware of those around me that could be a potential mate and frankly I am looking at every interaction through that lens. It sounds bad, so feel free to convince me otherwise.

But it is hard. It is hard to put yourself out there and be open and vulnerable. It is hard to sit down to the computer for the sixth or seventh time in a day and still not have an email from that one person. It is frustrating to call and get the voicemail, or look for them at church and they not be there. To talk with them and just get this feeling like you did something wrong and now what you thought was interest seems to be ambivalence. To second guess, and triple guess, and quadruple guess your words, their words, their lack of words. Do I call now? Or maybe wait a few hours because I don’t want to seem too anxious. I sent an email and haven’t received a reply. Would it look over zealous to send another? But I really have something to tell them. All these decisions and options and you know what they say, “life is a lot simpler without options.”

Relationships are a continual series of options. One decision after another and that is what makes them so hard. But that is also what makes them do their job of helping us grow, change, and ultimately mature. It is a wonderful Catch 22.

So I met this girl in Colorado. She loves the same God that I do, is beautiful, and wants to work with teenagers in Europe. Talk about the perfect girl. Too bad she lives in Nashville. Nothing is easy. We have been talking and email a little bit here and a little bit there. Our last conversation was eye opening to say the least and it certainly didn’t turn out the way I had hoped it would. The place I go to on Sundays often discusses the issue of marriage and is generally, extremely, personally, convicting. One thing they harp on is that it is the dude’s responsibility to be responsible. The dude will step out; the dude will take the chances; the dude will risk heart ache and rejection; and the dude will do all of this with the confidence of God. Nothing is easy. So with those convictions, I did just that and was, in my heart, shot down.

“Crash and burn?”

“Slider… you stink!”

It is for the best though because my confidence is in God… Nothing is easy.

What am I going to do now? Pray about it and try to have that confidence thing that seems to elude me at the moment. Dwell on this for a while:

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

It is tomorrow.

Jason

Who can be a father?

She is sleeping on my chest. Her beautiful blue eyes are covered by the delicate eyelids that are squeezed shut on this lazy Wednesday afternoon. Mom is in the kitchen doing some cleaning so it is my job to watch the baby. Watching the baby for me means lying on the couch and having her rest in my arms. It is very easy work, assuming the little angel is asleep as Taylor has been. There is something about holding a baby in your arms. They are like old men, go from sleeping to awake and back to asleep, in between breaths, only unlike old men, their waking moments normally are accompanied by a short cry. A couple times when Taylor began to cry Tiffany asked if I wanted her to take her, but I knew that the crying was only because she needed to shift her head from one side to the other and that the crying would fade as quickly as it started.

We laid there for a good two hours. First I was praying, praying about the father I may be one day. When you hold a young babe in your arms, only the most stone hearted wouldn’t think about the child and how their life is literally and figuratively in your hands. This baby is so helpless. It disgusts me to even think about how easily that life could be snuffed out, so little effort would be necessary, or for that mater, no effort at all, doing nothing could end the life.

Taylor is need. Her whole existence is based on the giving of others: her mom, her dad, her grandparents, even her uncle. It is not too boastful to say that without us she would die. So with great trepidation I hold her. What kind of father will I be? This one isn’t even mine, so these few short days in the morning of her life are inconsequential. I doubt I will remember them and she most definitely won’t. Or maybe I will. As I said earlier, she is beautiful and right now as I stare into her face, I long for one of my own. Maybe this moment today will be a turning point, a time when I realize with absolute certainty that I want this thing that I do not yet have? Maybe so?

Babies make noises. All sorts of quite gurgles and coughs, burps, bumbles, sneezes and floops. Her breathing is rapid, maybe 5 breaths to every one of my own. I think she is going to be a snorer. Her little nose hastily consuming and discharging the air around her and my slow breath as it covers her. I try to breathe away because I would hate to make her sick with unwittingly.

One thought that keeps running through my head is how close she really is. Our faces for all this time have been only inches away and that is an intimacy I am not altogether familiar with. Think about it, how often do you look so closely at another’s face that you can pick out each spot on their cheek? See the wrinkle in their nose, and count the little white heads below their eyes? I doubt even husbands and wives stare at each other this much. Someone would be accused of being a stalker if they were to do that with someone else, but here I lie, staring endlessly at her, not a single concern in her cringing, perpetually closes eyes.

Oh, she is smiling. Nothing has changed. I didn’t move and neither has she. There must be an innate sense of joy in that little mind. God has come down to look on his perfect creation and she can see Him, even if I can’t.

I could be here forever. If this one was my own, I wouldn’t hesitate.

It is tomorrow.

Jason

Post of Joy

Here is a little post of joy. A rarity I know because when something is inspiring I usually go deep. This morning I am making pancakes. Which I have to go flip...

I'm back. These pancakes are being cooked on my own stove, in my own pans, in my own house. Yesterday I made some banana bread in my own oven, using my own Kitchen Aid, and my own ingredients. One sec...

OK! So I am baking again, cooking my own food. Last night was spaghetti with a red sauce (out of a jar, sadly) and grilled chicken. But the point is, I have a kitchen. A lot of you may not know that I love to cook and over the last, what 3 years, I have not have the opportunity to do so with out the head ache of using someone else's stuff. Got to go...

That was close. Don't get me wrong, I love cooking enough to do it anywhere. One of the best Mexican meals was in Germany at the Swope's. But it is really home when I have the run of my own kitchen. I can sleep anywhere; I don't need privacy; my stuff is unnecessary. But my kitchen. I need my kitchen. Last time...

Wonderful! The pancakes were really good.

This morning put a smile on my face. Standing in my own kitchen, cooking, knowing where everything was and belongs, it is a great feeling. Everyone needs to know that I am doing great. God is very good.

It is tomorrow.

Jason

She will be odd

“Either she will be odd, or she will make herself the same as them.”

“I felt the same way about my kid going there, but between odd and the same, you got to be rooting for odd, don’t ya?”

One of the best lines from a movie full of great lines. A movie that portrays almost every emotion and human relationship I have ever experienced in my short, sheltered life and some that I still haven’t. One of the best movies I have seen in a very long time. A great movie despite starring Adam Sandler (Adam Sandler of Waterboy fame).

Spanglish is a great movie. If you haven’t seen it, go! Go now and rent it from Blockbuster. Then sit down and think about your life, the decisions you are making and will make, and decided what you want to be, what is going to define you, and what is important.

There are so many complex levels in this movie, you can’t even began to explain them. But if I was a movie critic, or maybe even a philosophy guru, I would start by explaining each relationship. I would look at the marriage, the parents and kids (all three of those relationships), the wife and the housekeeper, the husband and the housekeeper, the housekeeper and their kids, and all the smaller interactions, and with each of those, an entire picture, a complete idea of human life, of psychology, of world view and culture would present itself in vivid color and magnificent clarity. I would write a book and enlighten the world about itself. But I am neither of those things and so all of these musings are probably grossly obtuse and remarkably trite.

“She will be odd, or she will make herself the same as them.” Isn’t that the dilemma that we all face in this world? I was made unique. Someone up somewhere designed me in a way that is so different and so unique that I have no option other than those. How could I have missed that before today? Why is it that some other writer, some other person got that and it took this movie to make it a reality in my life? Movies really are becoming the art of our time. I am moved more by a good movie than almost anything else. Sadly, more moved by a movie than even the Word of God.

I was reading something just a few hours ago and the author was talking about believing the Bible as the Word of God. The start of studying it and therefore maturing and growing as a Christian (something that I would like to do, or at least say I would) begins with truly believing it is what it says it is. If you can’t do that then, stop the presses, everything else is inconsequential. What is the point of maturing and growing if all that maturity and growth is built on a false foundation? So I assume that I believe it, but the earlier mentioned writer’s test is extreme. He said that it isn’t a belief unless you are willing to stake your life on it. And I don’t think you can have something extreme like that just any day, maybe only once in what would then become a prematurely ended lifetime. I see a Catch 22, how about you?

This feeds into something else I read. CS Lewis, in A Grief Observed, said;

“Apparently it’s like that. Your bid—for God or no God, for good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity—will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it. And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are playing not for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing less will shake a man—or at any rate a man like me—out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the
truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself.”

So it is torture! Torture will bring about the belief that I think I desire. That sucks! Maybe Lewis is wrong, but I doubt it. I doubt it not because he is one smart cookie, but because I have read the same idea in different book, collection of books that is.

Circular! Circular is the reasoning I am back to. You can’t believe everything you read, but you can read something that is believable, I think. We could twist on this idea for another few hours, but that would make for a long post and I really want to get back to a previous thought, so let’s make one assumption, it is the Word of God.

Since I, which obviously includes you too, was made unique, there is the option to do nothing and be “odd”, or choose, make a conscience decision, to make oneself be same. So when it says, “do not be conformed” what it means is, do not make yourself conformed. But can I say that with any even remote certainty? Making the assumption that I am accurate, then it makes things a lot clearer. It makes the other places that say I am not of this world, and the ones that say I will be hated, more understandable.

If I don’t choose to make myself same, then the odd will be rejected, loathed, even hated. It always has been, from the first day of The Rebellion till now. So is that what I, we, want? Is anyone even making a bid for those answers? If you aren’t then nothing I just wrote makes since and why should it; why should the general musings to answer a question unasked make sense?

Everyone is thinking about being odd or being same though. It is a part of human nature to do so. The grander questions about someone or something else out there may escape our daily meanderings, but asking why you are the way you are and why no one understands you don’t. Everyone realizes at one time or another that they are different. We obviously look different, but there is a deeper difference. As much as we try to fit in and “make ourselves same,” we can’t because we can’t undue something that we didn’t do in the first place.

We are different because we where made that way and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can embrace it and thrive. I hope you get what I am saying.

It is tomorrow.

Jason

Look at that!

Left, Right, Left, Rig… What is that? Wow, look at that formation! The way the flowers combine to protect each other. Isn’t God amazing? Left, right, left... Another one, and another, there is a bunch of the flowers. And look at the rocks here, God is so strong He can pile up these rocks; what, that has got to be at least 13 inches high. The other day I saw this incredibly powerful trickle of water too, what can’t He do? Isn’t our God awesome?

The other day, Tim, Alex and I went up to The Enchantments in the Washington Cascade mountain range. On the second day, we scrambled up Little Annapurna. It was a quick two hour hike, and the view was magnificent. On the way up, Tim decided not to look up until we reached the top. He stared at his feet and narrow view to his front the whole way up. He wanted to experience and take in the entire thing at once, be utterly surprised. We knew that the view was going to be great. From the bottom you caught a glimpse of what was next. Little A has a gradual slope on its north face, very easy to walk up. But the south slope is shear cliff, jagged, jutting rocks and immense drop-offs. Quite an impressive sight had with relatively little effort.

Part way up Tim made a comment that I am still thinking about today. He said that our view of God is like this. We are staring at the three feet in front of us and that is our impression of God. He has revealed a whole world for us to see, but we are happy, actually euphoric, just looking straight down. What is up with that?

Ironically, Justin Weeks used a comment two weeks ago that is fitting here.

"Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us. We are far too easily pleased." - C.S. Lewis

Justin and Lewis were talking about the substitutes we are satisfied with, the things other than God that fill our days and bring temporal “joy.” But we are also “far too easily pleased” with our finite image of God Himself. We settle for this image of God as something that could exist on this small planet. We package this god very nicely and handle him at our convenience. Granted that is only reality. This finite mind can not comprehend the infinite Creator of the universe.

I wish I had taken a picture of Tim’s face when he finally looked up from the top of the mountain. Tim is prone to grand explosions of joy and he does take great pleasure in some of God’s most basic and wonderful creations. Last week was nothing less than a continual outpouring of that most child- like attribute which is only preceded by revelation. His face at the top was the best of them all because the anticipation, the waiting, the perseverance and the steadfast determination to experience something that big brought it about.

What would it be like if we could have that sort of experience with God? Everyday He makes new revelations most of which are either missed or ignored. But what if, what if we could look up from the small world inches from our noses and see the vastness and the greatness that is God? I don’t think you could stay the same, and you certainly wouldn’t ever look down again.

So why don’t we look up? What are we afraid of? That is just it, we are afraid of what we haven’t experienced because we haven’t looked up yet. One excuse that I have heard is that knowing God will force me to stop all the things I am doing today. How can I give up my friends or habits, my girlfriend or even wife, my job, security, home, or life, those things are all that I have and I just am not that much of a gambling man to trust that some ubiquitous God is going to see me and be there. I would HAVE TO give up sex with my girlfriend, the porn I look at, and the nights out on the town. Who wants to be a monk? That isn’t satisfying.

You know what I say? You are wrong but you don’t get it. You won’t HAVE TO give up anything! But what do I know? Not much. To bad you won’t even give Him a try because deep down, you are just…

It is tomorrow.

Jason

New pics on website

Hey everyone,

I am posting some new pics on my website. There are new pics in Croatia, Greece, and Germany.

Enjoy

“And you’re the only one who knows”

“And So It Goes” was playing on the radio yesterday. It wasn’t the Billy Joel original version. A young jazz singer, whose name eludes me, was performing a cover of it. At first when the tune started, I didn’t recognize it. Introducing the song, the singer said the name quickly and all I caught was “Billy Joel.” A few lines into it, though, I was in the mood, singing along and reminiscing.

Billy Joel used to be my favorite artist. It was in High School that I first started enjoying his sound. Barry Kral introduced us. Sometime during my junior or senior year, Billy was on his River of Dreams tour and a whole group of friends from my class went together for his concert in the Orlando Magic Arena. My parents even joined us and I thought that was the weirdest thing because I didn’t know my parents even knew what music was, at least knew about music that didn’t put you to sleep.

I had all of Billy’s albums. Glass Houses, Turnstiles, 52nd Street are some of my favorite. It was interesting because before I became a fan, I had heard some of his songs, Only the Good Die Young, Piano Man, We didn’t Start the Fire, but I hadn’t associated those songs with him. Years after growing in my appreciation, I would discover a new song of his that I had heard before, but never knew it was his.

What I am trying to say is yesterday was quite a flashback; flashback and flashback. Thinking back to the great time that my High School was, and thinking back more recently to some romantic relationships. Have you ever heard of the “drunken birthday call?” I can’t explain it from personal experience, but it has been described to me in this way. A man of any age and relational status is thoroughly hammered on the anniversary of the day of his birth. If not looked after, those men have been known to call women of their past. In their uninhibited state, they spout out all sorts of nonsensical idioms about: how their heart was broken, how they would give her a second chance, how they want them back in their life, how they hate them and wish they were dead, no I don’t mean that, I really love you, how the world just isn’t right without them in their life. You get the picture. As previously stated, I have no first had knowledge of any of this, but I can see how it could occur.

If you don’t know the tune, “And So It Goes” is a love song spawned from a recent love lost. Lines like, “If my silence made you leave, then that would be my worst mistake, so I will share this room with you and you can have this heart to break..” make it clear the emotions that set it into play. The room mentioned above comes from the first line, “In every heart there is a room, a sanctuary safe and strong, to heal the wounds from lovers past, until a new one comes along.” For me, a love song of that nature brings back longings of “lovers past.” (I am not using advanced calculus to come up with my interpretations.) The words flow into my mind and come out the other end as a conversation with whatever “past”. If intoxicate at the time, I probably wouldn’t hesitate to make the call.

Why is that? What is it about men that cause these emotional releases at such random and distant times? My guess is part nurture and part nature. A man is raised to be strong, emotionless, dependable; stalwart in the face of adversity. The world promotes men of this type. Nature has seen us succeeding or failing at critical times and somewhere in our design we have adapted to that calling. The poor head of FEMA is a perfect example of a man, in my opinion, that was overwhelmed even before the recent tragedy; it just brought reality to a head. So he will go away and a capable replacement will be devoured. Men by their very nature are strengthened in times of trial.

So then what is with the obvious weaklings that make those calls? Those men are everyone. Those men have thought the same as every other man, only they are the unfortunate ones who express it. You can blame the circumstances, but truth is truth. It is The Truth. Inside every man is a mix of emotions dying to come out, but over the years and training, those emotions are repressed to the point of essential non-existence.

I love the quote, “Never grow so strong that your heart can not be moved!”

It is tomorrow.

Jason

PS: I found all the lyrics, just in case you wanted to know them all.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Under the sun

A quick word as I have returned from Mailbu. First, it is amazing. Beautiful, magnificent, amazing. Second, Young Life and the greater Seattle Region are amazing. There is so much to talk about and process that I just wanted to say those two things. Nothing more.

Coming soon, with permission, will be a new "What I am reading" links section. I am stealing it from Justin Weeks because I am not afraid to copy good ideas. A slave to originality I am not, especially since reading Ecclesiastes and one of the obvious themes being that there is nothing new under the sun.

Enjoy the day.

Jason

Jared's fault!!

I just spent the better part of five hours playing on the computer with my younger brother. Not a good start to September. Well, spending time with Jared was good (he is home bound because of the Appendix they just removed from his stomach), but September needs to be for something else. It is my desire that I pen an autobiography of sorts. I have been thinking about it for the past few weeks, but nothing has made it to the page. The biggest problem is that I imagine it as this huge task, something that will take weeks, if not months, and so I get all caught up in thinking about how much work it will be that I end up doing nothing and getting no closer to finishing it.

It also doesn't help that I have scheduled so much stuff into this month. I leave for Canada in the morning, butt stinking early morning; I got to be in Bellevue at 0400. Ugh! That is about six hours earlier than I am used to rising. But I am not complaining, this weekend is the Young Life leadership weekend so I will be meeting a bunch of YLers and hopefully getting connected with a school or area.

After that, next week is sort of open, but then there is drill (suck) and then camping, then traveling to Georgia to see the rents and bro. I get back on the 21st, only to start class on the 22nd. At some point, I need to think about work and then prepare for the two week, cross country, 5000 mile drive I will be taking to CA, AZ, TX, CO, WY, MT and home.

Busy life! On the go! Probably not good! When will things settle? Not until I decide I want them to be that way. Which I am coming around to the idea of. I have almost accepted the lot that I will be getting a full-time job and not just a temporary one. This will be my first fulltime job, not including the Army, in over five years. That is a long time if anyone didn't already know it.

Well, I got to get running. No literally, I am going for a run. I have only sat on my butt this whole day so I need to do something.

It is tomorrow.

Jason

Hello World!

I should be doing something else right now. There is no milk in the fridge, a book waits for me at the library, and the Young Life office here in Seattle is expecting me to register for the leader's retreat this weekend up at Malibu. (On a side note, don't tell anyone, but I am going to Malibu for the first time this weekend. That you can tell people. What you can't tell them is that the main reason I am going is just to go to Malibu. My intentions are all wrong, to meet YLers and grow in my Jesus relationship should be the main reason, but it is really is to see the camp and I have the added benefit of the people.) These "pressing" issues will not get done on their own, but I made the mistake of sitting down at the computer while eating my late lunch consisting of a turkey pastrami sandwich with the best cheese, Tillamook Cheddar, and red onions. Having full time access to the Internet at my new place, I can get on-line and check all sorts of interesting things. This time was to others blogs. Once again I made it to Barb Iverson's blog and once again she was inspiring.

Barb, you must write more because you are great.

In a subtle and insiders sort of way, she described with detail and emotion the short trip I was blessed to be a part of. It truly was a great four days and one that I will carry with me for years. Greece is one of my favorite places just for that reason. I won't even try to explain it, but read her comments and that is enough.

There is a second thing that I will comment on. Last week I spent at Lakeside Bible Camp on work staff with 18 others. The director, for the past five years, was Scott Golike of Grace Fellowship of Puget Sound. We had a wonderful week naming the elephant. Let me explain.

One day a little boy came to his father. "Today the teacher showed us a big round globe she said was a model of the world. She said the world was just surrounded by space. How can that be? Dad, what holds up the world? Why doesn't it just fall down?"
His father, knowing that this was just a child's question, gave him a child's answer: "It's a camel that holds up the world, son."
The boy went away satisfied, for he trusted his father and for the moment it made sense. He'd seen pictures of camels holding up all sorts of things. So why not the world? But then he got to thinking about it and by the next day decided something was missing in his father's answer. He asked, "Dad, I was just wondering: if a camel holds up the world, what holds up the camel?"
His father now thought that he might be in trouble. So, knowing that a quick answer turneth away further questions, he said, "It's a kangaroo that holds up the camel."

Again the boy went away, but this time only for a couple of hours. Back again with his father, he asked, "Dad, if a camel holds up the world and a kangaroo holds up the camel, what holds up the kangaroo?"

This time the father realized that he was in deep trouble. So he chose the largest animal he could think of and he put a capital on it. That is, he shouted, "It's an elephant that holds up the kangaroo."
"Come on, Dad!" his son retorted. "What holds up the elephant?"
His father, in a fit of genius deriving from necessity, replied, "It's... it's... it's Elephant all the way down."

"Naming the Elephant" is a book by James W. Sire. In it he is discussing world view. Though we talked for a week about world view, I still don't fully grasp it and therefore feel inadaquate to expand upon that topic. So what are we talking about, Jason? Well, I do like the story so how about it. Name your elephant, what is it in your philosophy that is all the way down?

Most people don't think about this stuff. Most American's that is. We are content to take life in its most simplest form, bottled for our convience and served fresh, fast, and hot. I have got no idea where I am going so who cares where I came from? But at some point the question arises, Where did I come from? Is this all that is out there? Is there more to this thing called life? And in the words popular today and taken from a incredably boring book that I couldn't get past day 27 of; Is there any purpose?

What is the elephant?

I am going to let you all, my ppls, dwell on that a while. If you are like me, then you will, if you aren't then you probably stopped reading this months ago.

It is tomorrow.

Jason

Where are we going?

What is it about the divisions we establish in our lives; the haves and have nots, where I was born or wasn’t born? What about my parents and what they do are don’t do, how much money is taken in and what car I drive? There are also deeper divides that cut down to the heart. Looks can play a huge factor in that division. Are you dark, light, tall, short, big, little, BEAUTIFUL or do you have great personality? It almost seems like I am looking for a reason to separate myself from everyone around me, and put up either walls that keep unacceptable people out or maybe only keep me in.

I am up at a definitive place of acceptance but even here there are divisions. And what about this word anyway. Has anyone ever noticed that accept and except are pronounced the same but mean the opposite. I accept you except you. Ah, it makes more sense saying, I accept you all except you. When they made the baffling English language, I am sure that they thought this one was pretty funny.

Earlier this evening, a stranger was in our mist. He appeared harmless enough, but in this world, enough is not enough. This random, slightly irregular guys was just walking around. Since the camp is private, Christian but private, unannounced visitors are kindly asked to leave or state their intentions. I had a few short conversations with Lan and he talked of being here when he was 14, probably 25 years ago, and here is were he met Jesus. Good for him, but now there are crazies, Class II sex offenders and sinners out and about so you are just going to have to find Jesus else where! Huh??

Maybe these divisions are for our protection? Be wise like a serpent it says. Makes sense in my little mind, but nothing else does so maybe this doesn’t make as much sense as I think it does. If not, then what? Let everyone run free, no boundaries, and no limitations. I don’t think so. I was reading about politics years ago and the author, whose name I don’t know, pointed out a deep difference between the two main stream parties of my country. He said that there is a philosophy about human nature that is the underlying driving force for every policy. One party believes in the inherent evil of mankind and feels that government must limit our nature and protect humans from themselves. If given the opportunity, man will destroy its self so it needs government. The other believes in the inherent good of mankind and feels that government and society have forced man to the decrepit state that it finds itself. If given freedom from those cultural bonds, man will pick its self up and improve to the point of better. (A European and an American are talking. The American says, “We are better! We work harder, we let people fend for themselves, and we have a huge military to fight our wars. The European responds, “You have a funny definition of better!”)

Which is right? Neither? Both? Former!

My problem remains. Run free? I haven’t seen it work. So we divide and conquer.

A short time later, I was invited to join a friend in a gathering of his friends. I declined. See, he has been spending everyday for the last 10 weeks with this group, they have created over this time a unique bond. All of them together, and without knowing it, they have formed their division, unintentionally and completely unmaliciously. None the less, it is there and for me to break in would be work, work beyond what I desire in this late hour. The term, fifth wheel comes to mind. So maybe we don’t from divisions, or we do, but not we the group, but we the individual when we feel that we wouldn’t be accepted without even trying. There is a word for that.

Or maybe we form divisions out of cultural driven habits? Maybe that one party is right? Somewhere, sometime, there wasn’t enough to go around. To survive you had to divide, you had to keep out some because putting everyone in the life boat sank the boat. It happens once, it happens twice, the third and successive times form a pattern, then a habit, then a culture. When there is enough to go around, people don’t know any different; but I was watching a one year old who had never known want and if he could have held onto that fifteenth toy, God knows he would have. Screams of the dieing were heard if you mentioned the word share.

Enough already!

It is tomorrow.

Jason

Wait! Wait! Wait! Say that again!

The sun is shining in a perfect fashion through the pine tree out behind the house. Let no one say that Washington isn’t a magnificent place, maybe the best place on this planet. Here are some of its marvelous attributes. 1. It is green, green like a World Cup match for the Irish national team. 2. It is cool, but not cold, warm, but not hot. On an idle Tuesday afternoon when every other relative that I have is, I am sure, indoors, I sit here on the back porch enjoying the beauty and peace. 3. It is progressive. Every other relative of mine would call it liberal, I think progressive has much less negative connotations. So I sit here in the cool afternoon sun, reading my not so progressive Outside Magazine, day dreaming about my up coming move and follow-on packing trip into the Cascades and all around loving life.

It has been an interesting few days and with my new freedom of solitude, I have pontificated, among other things, the meaning of life, the value of the “church”, the speed of our existence, and the futility of it all. Solomon is quoted often that “all is futile.” What does that mean, all is futile? Does that mean give up? Does it mean not care? When asked what the two biggest problems today are, most people answered, “I don’t know and I don’t care.” Funny seeing that the answers are apathy and ignorance, in my opinion. So this time we are going to spend together is going to be a compilation of about three different things that I have read recently, one radio show that I caught the middle of just yesterday, and my own thoughts thrown in just to keep the painfully slow interested.

If all is futile then even trying to voice a solution is pointless, which means that writing these words or thinking these thoughts are a waste. But even though the wisest man that ever lived said it, I am still, pig-headily going to plow on, thinking otherwise. I have to, otherwise I would kill something, like this scary looking spider that has come to collect her silk entombed meals.

My solution, today, is… SLOW DOWN!!!

In a blog past I mentioned a new philosophy I have recently come to hold. “Start slow & taper off” At first when I read that and started referencing it in my daily encounters, it was just a funny saying and more of a reaction maker than anything, but today it has become more true in my thinking.

Here is why. Aaron Vederoff, my current landlord and good friend, is a 72 year old “retired but active” racquetball player. He is a wonderful person to talk to, is more than funny in a dry Jewish sort of way, and has his annoy quirks like the rest of us. One of those quirks is the insatiable desire Aaron has to collect things. He is frugal enough to be called a cheapskate, but obviously shares his life as I am mooching off his generosity even now. His house is a pile of papers; news print from the depression, magazines and letters from magazines that are collecting faster than they can be read, and thousands and thousands of interesting articles that Aaron wants to share, but rarely gets around to.

A recent article was handed me because of my new philosophy. Ellen Goodman wrote, Can’t wait to stop hurrying, and was recently published in the local “progressive” daily. She starts her article describing the much lost art of writing letters. Hers is a rant of the pace of life, a longing for times of old when communication took effort and words meant something. I agree with much of what she says, even as I hypocritically type this blog using my high-speed laptop, monitoring my camera cellphone and hoping that I am not missing an important email, like the one from that girl I initiated with yesterday. The point that stuck out the most was when she writes, “Continuous partial attention inevitable feels like a lack of full attention.” Everyone knows that mastering multitasking is getting ahead. If you can get thirty minutes of work accomplished on the thirty minute drive into work, then you can spend an extra thirty minutes at work getting done thirty minutes of work that you wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. Wow, I have been able to multitask my day into more work than I have every done before. (I say that from the perspective of someone that actually has a place of work, not my own, God forbid!) Accomplishing so much more work today, I have time to do even more tomorrow.

All is futile.

Ellen notes that teenagers are the extreme end of multitaskers. “Instant-messaging while they are talking on the cellphone, downloading music and doing homework.” She is mostly right, I doubt they do homework, but being one of the types that feels called to masochistically subject myself to the frantic, if not chaotic life that adolescents lead, my ears perk when their lives are mentioned. How, I ask, can this help me to speak into their lives and be a light? (To all the youth out there that read this, ha, ha, jokes on you, I really do have an agenda.) I think the answer is subtly mentioned in the same article.

“We suffer from the illusion that we can expand our personal bandwidths, connecting to more and more. Instead, we end up overstimulated, overwhelmed and unfulfilled.”

Being unfulfilled is huge. I know on my darkest days, it is a personal fulfillment that is most lacking. I know it is for my dad too. So, what can I do, how can I show those around me how to be fulfilled when even I struggle. Listening! Really listening! Not the multitasking-you-are-as-important-as-this-song-sms-e-mail-tv-show-book-advertisement-and-bird type listening that everyone is so capably willing to bestow. I want to listen while looking into your eyes, the entire world gone except you and me; but, as my wonderfully, trying to be more, patient sister can attest through my multiple failures to do so, I suck at it.

Maybe there is a way I can practice? An article in May 05s Outside points to one such technique, pain! In this article, Mark Jenkins is recounting a climbing accident that brought him to master the art of single-tasked, mind focused accomplishment. He too is sucked into today’s world of move fast and do, do, do, but when his broken wrist forces him to do the one thing his body needs and mind rejects, he sees the light.

“An injury worth the time will slow you down. Precisely what we all desperately need. An injury will make you do one thing at a time. You’ll re-remember that multitasking only means you’re doing several things poorly. Injured, you must focus on one thing for it to happen at all. With this singularity of focus come happiness, for you have been released from distraction, the most corrosive disease of the 21st-century life.”

It is the several things poorly that I need to learn. It is the several things poorly that cause those around you to see that they are unimportant in your world. To know that we are important is “what we all desperately need.”

My solution, now, is… SLOW DOWN AND LISTEN!!!

(I can now say that the battery of my laptop, in normal usage, has 1:35 minutes of go time. I have been forced to move indoors for the remaining of this post. Which is all the better because I should be wrapping it up anyway.)

Isn’t it wonderful how in just over an hour, we can move and grow? I think so. For all you out there who are doing listening well, kudos to you. For those who accomplished four other things while reading this, kudos to you too.

It is tomorrow.

Jason

How exciting is this.

I haven't figured out how to post pictures the way I would like to, but this is working sort of.

I am sitting at a coffee shop which closes in 20 minutes so this will be short. I am back in Seattle, if I didn't mention that already. The first things on my list to do after getting back was find a ministry and I think I have that covered, Young Life is very active in this area and also church, Hope, is looking to start an urban youth ministry. Both of those are going to take some time so until then, I don't know.

The second thing to do is find a place to live. That should be covered also. I put in an application for this one place in Greenlake. It is a two bedroom place in the basement of a house, the owners are Christians that go to Mars Hill and I would be rooming with what seems like a pretty cool dude. He put on the advertisement for a new roommate, "Easy going Christian guy, likes to rock climb, looking for..." I thought, score, sounds perfect. I saw the place and besides a smaller than I would like kitchen, it is perfect. Now it is just a matter of being accepted, but I met and talked with the owner this afternoon and I think I am a go.

The next step after housing is finding a job. Job, I hate that word. But I know that it is essential, I can't live off of savings forever.

Well, my time is almost up so I will have to get back with all you sometime later. Next time I promise to tell you about my trip up here and driving off the road into a ditch. I have pictures and since I think I have pretty much got it down, I will post them. If not here, then on my website. Oh, be looking for a lot of new postings on the website shortly. I will have my first broad band connection in months so things should be a lot easier to post, pictures, pictures, pictures.

iHs,
Jason

Why doesn't this work???? If you saw this pic it would be of where my car went off the road.

The before

Almost gone

In all its glory

Here they are, maybe!

I guess it is one at a time

Here they are by Hello

My facial hair

This post is an attempt to post some more pictures. I couldn't figure out how to post pictures and text at the same time. Here goes nothing.











Obviously it is, in fact, nothing. I just want everyone to know that I tried.

If you could have actually seen these pictures, you would see the final picture of my gotee in all its glory. The following pictures are of the gotee going away and the final is an impressive soul patch.

I tried.

Jason

Colorado State Road 139 

Day Last: Somewhere in Colorado

You guys will not understand how beautiful this place is. There isn’t much to describe. I am on my way to Jackson, WY after staying with the Brownson’s in Grand Junction. The route will be mostly back roads. Small, two lane roads that twists and turn up and down the mountains. Presently, I am on one of those roads, far up in the valley. Being August, you would think that it would be less green, but instead I see a dozen different shades of green. They remind me of Ireland a little. But this is nothing like Ireland, this is nothing like Germany or Scotland, or Italy, or Greece. This is the most beautiful place on the planet.

The United States is blessed by God. It has to be because only God could bestow this kind of magnificence. I don’t know if I can leave here, here being the States. I will have to leave CO, because I would die in a few days if I didn’t, but can I leave the States? Europe was amazing, there were so many things there that enthralled and inspired me, but it isn’t America. America the Beautiful has new meaning now.
When I was in Germany and eating with Michael and Ruth, I asked them why anyone from Europe would come to the States. We were in a little town called Lautenberg. It was one of those old time, 1500, German cities. It was beautiful, and the history, amazing. So why would someone that has a place like that in their back yard come to a place where the old buildings weren’t even conceived in the 1500s? He told me it was because of the open spaces, the mountains, and the land. I see now what he was talking about. They don’t have places like this in Europe. They don’t have miles and miles of nothing that you can drive through and get totally lost in yourself.

Yesterday I was driving from Lubbock, TX to Grand Junction. Along the way I passed miles of nothing. There were miles of open fields that flowed as far as the eye could see, a far cry from the cultivated fields of Europe. Only Scotland had open space like this and it wasn’t nearly as vast.

There is also a smell here. Take a deep breath and you can feel the thin air as it rushes into your nostrils. I think it is the sage brush. Sage has a unique smell and there is a lot around here. I miss this place. I miss the mountains and the solitude and the expanse. Will I be able to deal? Sure! Right now, I just want to put on my hiking shoes (which are in Seattle) and trek into the hillside. Get lost for a few days and discover something that maybe no one else has seen in hundreds of years. For me, God is in the high places. That sounds pagan but even now as I think about King Solomon and the temples he built on the high places, I can imagine why he did it. To me it isn’t because those places are sacred, but because I feel His presence more there than other places. Tired and thirsty after a hard hike to the top of anywhere, I sense God’s strength and hold over my life.

As the birds are the only sound I hear, the sage fills my senses and the sun pours over the trees, as the long shadows of the mountains draw into themselves, I thank God because he has revealed Himself in His creation. Thank You!

Jason

So are they trying to make a point? Just in case you didn't know the effects of smoking, leave it to the blunt Europeans to lay it out there. 

Day 142:Hotter than a tanning Greek beauty!

So I have tons of other stuff to do and in my opinion they are much more important than what I am doing right now, but I am doing this none the less.

Couple quick things then I must get back to the important things. Texas is my current residence. I am at my sisters in Denton. Sunday morning after watching Lance wrap up number 7, I left for Clarksville, TN and Fort Campbell, KY. My good friends Jon and Ivy Thoennes (pronounced tennis) live there where he is with the 101st ABN DIV. I stayed the night with them and then departed after breakfast for my sister's. The drive was brutal. Going through Arkansas, the temperature was 96 degrees with a heat index of 110 OMG (that is Gosh thank you very much). Thinking back to my days in the desert allowed me to charge through and get it done, that was until...

At mile marker 84 on I-30 westbound, my back left tire decided not to hold air anymore. The decision was actually made by the large nail that found its way into the rubber. Not to worry, right, I am an able man and can change a tire. You'd like to think so. As able as I am, it is next to impossible to change a tire without a jack or lug nut taker offer (official scientific name, don't ask questions). Discovering that small problem, I did the next best thing, called for help. USAA, for $4.00 a month has a towing and labor service available with its insurance. I have been a holder of that policy forever. I use it often too. Leaving the lights on and draining the battery(many times), locking my keys in my car (many, many times) , running out of gas (only once), and now flatting a tire (first time for everything), I have done it all and they have helped me each time. Long story short, I spent $52.38 for a new tire, delayed my arrival by 1:23 hours, and lost a few pounds in the heat.

Now back to what I meant to type about. It seems that a few people have opinions about WOTW and pics and they are choosing my blog to voice those. I don't want to discourage comments, I guess that is really what a comment is anyway, but I would recommend, GET YOUR OWN BLOG!!!

WOTW did suck. Only slightly redeeming was the final scene where TC sort of looked like he was going to mature from his dead beat dad role and grow some, but even that idea was only half developed and left open because he didn't really admit fault or change. Adam, I was wondering if reading the book would have helped; I am guessing yes. It is a classic and the movie actually made me want to read it as I said, purely curiosity though.

About the pics. Patients is a virtue. I have one questions. Would all of you rather me post pictures on my website or complete my Young Life application? Both things are pressing and the application, in my opinion, is more important. I will get to the pics, but let me at least get home, or back to Seattle and create a home to go home to.

You and I have wasted another 10 minutes of our lives, I hope you all are happy with yourselves.

Until then and tomorrow.

Jason

PS The goatie is being shaved today. Let us all have a moment of silence for its departure :(...

Day 139: Am I still on vacation?

Should I still be counting the days of my travels seeing that I am sort of back? I don't know, maybe. Yeah, I think so because I started the day counting thing when I left Seattle and was driving in the first place.

Two quick things before I go to bed at the un-godly hour of 10:37 (notice I am using the American way of writing the time, seeing that I am back in the USA).

First thing is that we are fat. When I say we I mean those of us who call our country the greatest one in the world. I went to the mall today and I couldn't help but notice that we are fat. I am fat. I know what some of you are saying, "that I am too hard on myself and that I shouldn't think that," but it is true. You notice things a little more when you don't see them as often. Being on the other side of the world, a much skinnier side, I am now noticing that we Americans are fat. Frankly it is disgusting. (I hope no one is offended by that last comment, well maybe I'm not)

Second thing is that "War of the Worlds" sucks. When I say sucks, I mean it really is awful. One of the worst movies I have seen in years. Ironically though, now I want to read the book just to compare and maybe figure out what the movie was about. The movie had no plot, no characters, no redeeming qualities, no story or point. It was just plain terrible. I would highly recommend that no one go see it ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. I couldn't type enough evers. Don't see it in the cheap theater, don't even rent it. Watch the grass grow, it would be time better spent.

Fort Campbell is tomorrow's destination.

Until then and tomorrow.

Jason

Day 137: Home Sweet Home!!

I am back in the greatest country in the world. I can say that now with more credibility because I have seen a few more countries now than I had four months ago. Still haven't seen them all, so some assumptions are still being made.

For my first meal back in the States, I ate the one food that doesn't exist outside of the Western Hemisphere. You all know what food that was. Mexican food!!! La Fiesta! Que Bueno! Little do you know the irony in that. I failed to mention before now that my last full meal in Europe was Mexican also, but German Mexican which is more like crap than food. I won't go into the details, but it pretty much sucked. Which is why the meal this evening of one Enchilada, refried beans and Mexican rice was glorious. Eat your hearts out Megan, Jen, Marlo, and Matt.

Do you people know that it takes 34 hours to travel from Heidelberg, Germany to Atlanta, Georgia? Well it does. At least that is the length of time it took me. Three hours on a bus, five hours at Hahn, two hours in the air, 12 hours at Dublin, six hours 30 minutes in the air, two hours 30 minutes at JFK, three hours in the air. I would not recommend that traveling agenda to my enemies.

But all is good. I am back and it is good to be home. I have already used the toilets twice since arriving, enjoying the plush, soft, Charmin extra. I am also rubbing my much swollen mid-section and realize that I have brought back from Europe something that I didn't take. I must sleep now so stay tooned for more.

Until then and tomorrow.

Jason

Day 136: Goodbye!!!

(Administrative note: After reviewing the dates of my travel and double checking the timeline, I realized and have corrected the day that I am on. A mistake was made and if you look at the day of my last post and the date of that post, it won't line up with this one, but know that this one is right.)

It is my last day in Europe, this time. I have come to say goodbye and what better way than in the immortal words of Bilbo Baggins.

"I hope you are all enjoying yourselves as much as I am...

"I shall not keep you long. I have called you all together for a Purpose. Indeed, for Three Purposes! First of all, to tell you that I am immensely fond of you all...

"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve...

"Thirdly and finally, I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT. I regret to announce that - this is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW. GOOD-BYE!"

He stepped down and vanished. -- J.R.R. Tolkien, Fellowship of the Ring

A fitting tribute and words spoken better than I could have. There is so much to say, so many people, too many people, to thank and praise for their love and fellowship. All of you know who you are. You have meant so much to me over these last four months. As I have said time and time again, I will miss you all, and will see you all again. I pray that my return will not be long in coming, that God will bring us together again so that we can have joy in the reunion. It has been a journey.

There is one other thing that has been swirling through my mind for days now. It is a song and frankly, it has nothing to do with anything I just mentioned, but it is a great song and contains one of my favorite line of any song. Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls off of their Dizzy up the Girl album. I know some of you are having a heart attack right now because the Goo Goo Dolls are not the best representation of musical genius or would qualify in the world as ones who's songs are all moral like or upstanding, but get over yourselves. Here is my favorite line.

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive"

As I mentioned, there was no point to that, but since it has been on my mind these last few days, I wanted to share it. Feel free to sing it if you get a chance.

Well, that is all. I have already said good bye so now I will leave with great words.

"Expect me when you see me!"

Until then and tomorrow.

Jason

Day Something:Don't worry about the day, it is Greece and everything is way laid back

So, I am down here in the beautiful country of Greece. More specifically I am in Northern Greece also known as Macedonia. Once again, Barb Iverson of Prague fame is looking over my shoulder and reading along as I type so my anxiety to be funny and extra engaging exists. I don't know if I mentioned last time, but Barb is an English major, has taught English, edited numerous print magazines and periodicals, and reads grammer books at night for fun, so if anyone can be intimidating, she is. Like just now, she has already corrected my typing and spelling three times.

Greece is a wonderful place. I unfortunately have only been able to spend three days here but it was enough to let me know that I will be coming back. As the time on my Internet Cafe computer winds down, I don't have enough of it to fully brief you all on the joys of this country, but I will tell you one delectable little detail. Baklava!!!

Baklava appears to be the new Greece version of the classically named, "Food of the gods" It is stufabulous. Baklava is a pastry dish. It comes in as many varieties as the American Donut, but is so much better. Tragically, I will never look at a piece of Vitamin K (Krispy Kreme) the same again. Let me reiterate that Baklava is nothing like a donut, it is closer to a flaky croissant baked thingy. It can have varieties including nuts, cream, figs, and other tasties. The piece de reisistance, however, is how all Baklava is soaked in a sugary, honey syrup like substance. Soaked doesn't actually leave you with a good picture. Drenched does a much better job. So imagine a bite sized morsel that is dripping with sweet wonderfulness. It melts in your mouth and your hand. Surprisingly, chocolate is not a widely used ingredient. Not necessary though, it is good without it. I only wonder how much more wonderful it would be with a chocolate cream. Hey, maybe that could be a new thing that I could introduce here and bring back to the states.

I have been in quite a few countries on this trip and one thing I think often is how much money could be made if one could simply transport in their entirety any of the many small shops or eateries from Europe back to the States. In Ireland, it was the pubs, Italy the restaurants, Germany the roads, and here in Greece it is the sweet shops.

Well, I got to run. Not really, but this is costing me money and there isn't enough time to talk about other things. I will tell you about the drenching of the humans another day.

Until then and tomorrow.

Jason

Day 118: Bloggus Humungus

WARNING!!! The following is extremely, extremely long. (I can not say extrememly enough. It took me three days to complete it, so don't feel bad if it takes you three days to read it. I have even made the text smaller to take up less space.)

Written July 4th

It is raining outside. Well it was about 5 minutes ago. Rain is nothing unique in Germany. It is actually pretty common, sort of like the North West. There is a problem with today’s rain; today is the 4th of July. For every American out there, the 4th means fireworks, and fireworks are firewon’ts in the rain. Hopefully the skies are empty by now and the fire will work tonight. Let’s hope. (Side Note, I am back from the evening events and the fire worked.)

I want to talk about last night and the 14 straight ours of computer games that I participated in at the LAN night. I also want to talk about my conversation with my dad just minutes ago. I also want to talk about the last two weeks in Italy and what Jesus was doing then. I also want to talk about my future and where I am going and what my “mission” is. I want a lot of stuff. But in the immortal words of the great Mick Jager, “You can’t always get what you want, you can’t always get what you want, you can’t always get what you want, but you get what you neeeeeeed.”

My parents called me this morning, or morning their time, just waking up my time, which made it like morning. My day began at 00:01 while I was deeply involved in one of the many Warcraft III or Tribes II games played last night and this morning. I was invited to a LAN party at the Creiglow’s house. These apparently are a regular thing here in the Heidelberg youth community. A LAN party is when a bunch of self proclaimed geeks get together and connect all their high powered computers on a Local Area Network (LAN). They then proceed to smash into oblivion each other, especially any NOOBS. NOOBS being people that haven’t played before and therefore do not know all the short cuts and secret items that when purchased give you ultimate powers including +34 strength, 100% mana recovery and max agility. I never found or bought any of those things, but I was yelled at for trying to buy them and not being in the fight at the time. When you don’t know what to do and no one will tell you, it takes a little longer, sorry.

Seeing that my day started then, ended for the first time at 0830, and started again at 1400, when my parents called around that time, it was “morning” for me. It was great that they called because I hadn’t spoken with them in weeks and whenever that happens, I miss them. They are great parents. Both of them love each other more than life itself and love us kids with everything that they are. I am so lucky to have them as parents. I don’t thank God enough for them. If some of you are thinking that the former sounds a little like sucking up, it is. I am now about to reveal a frustrating conversation and I want dad to know that I love him and even though I get frustrated, it is those conversations that I feel are molding me and “disciplining” me more than if I just agreed and accepted.

The conversation with my mom and dad started as normal. Mom and I talk about various goings on. What things she has made for their house, how my brothers are doing, her job and the like. Dad is listening and patiently lets mom and I talk. At some point, dad and I start into a talk about golf, or Europe, or me, and then mom usually goes away. At least it seems like she does because you rarely hear from her again. This is not a bad thing; it is how our family works. Dad and I can talk a lot and when we get going, don’t get in the way. Today was no different.

Dad was asking about Europe and I was describing the ministry history in the Heidelberg Community. See last year there used to be two different youth ministries: the present MCYM (Beyond) and the now gone Malachi. Malachi is a part of Cadence International and they are still in other parts of Europe just not Heidelberg any more. I don’t know all the details of what happened before I got here, so if any of this is wrong, sorry to those that know the right. All I know is that Malachi stopped. Beyond took over some of the things and from what I gather, there was a noble effort to work together and that has happened to some degree. Why were there two ministries in the same place you ask? Well, I don’t know exactly, but I do know that they are both important and different. Malachi focuses a little more on maturing Christians; Beyond is a little more out reach oriented. When the two merged, it was and is important for both aspects of ministering continue.

Written July 5th

Oh, I forgot to mention why this conversation started. The LAN party was made up mostly of kids and adults from Malachi. That started my dad and I on the conversation of discipleship and as with most conversations between him and I, it turned back to me. I am starting to wonder if I want to talk about me, or my dad wants to talk about me, but that isn’t relevant here.

What is discipleship? Would I even recognize it if I saw it? I don’t know. I don’t know a lot and that was something we talked about. Obviously a part of discipleship is growing, growth of the younger as guided by the older. An older person should have more life experience, more grasps on the truth of life if only because they have seen more of it. So since I have been called to make disciples, I should know what that means.

My dad described all the things I had heard before while growing up and why it is important to grow and mature. I Peter 3:15 says something about being prepared to give an answer. I Tim and a lot of the NT mention things about false teachers, false doctrine, and how we need to fight against those things. So studying and knowing the Word and having a good knowledge base are important. Having a firmly grounded faith so that you are not tossed by the waves is important. This is where I start to have to some… I don’t know… confusion. In my mind I know what that says, but then I also know that the Bible talks about useless talk, endless genealogies and foolish controversies. I have seen in my growing up and especially recently how so many “Christians” argue about things of their faith that to me are so secondary. Where is the balance between good knowledge of Christ and useless talk? My confusion comes when they ask me what I think and my answer is usually, “I don’t know.” I used to know, but now I am not so sure.

Am I allowed to not know? Sometimes when I am hanging around kids, I feel inadequate because I don’t know all the detailed history and meaning and common biblical interpretations. If they were to start asking me a bunch of questions, I would probably have to answer, either I don’t know or ignorantly most of the time. Some times I feel like I should know this stuff, sometimes I feel like I really don’t want to know it. Well, I would like to know it, but I think there are a lot more important things so I am not going to waste time on it. Two issues my dad mentioned were Adam and Eve, if they really existed or is Genesis just allegory, and hell, is it a real place. My response to both of those is, I don’t know. The bible mentions both things and to me it seems like they are real, but does it matter? If some one is arguing with me about those things or any other secondary issue my first thought is, “what are they hiding or what issue are they avoiding by bringing up this insignificant topic?” I would rather get them and myself to the heart of the matter and discuss it. My dad and I argued about this for a while. As I said, I see his point. It is clear in the bible, but here is my point. Too many people, good “Christians”, lose sight of their first love when then educate themselves beyond their own understanding.

If I knew all the answers, then I would be scared that a kid would see that and desire all that knowledge instead of what is really important. Plus, I wonder if I could be humble in dispensing what I knew. I already have a problem with humility and that would only add to it.

Here is another thing. Humans are inherently lazy. I am. Given the option of working out your own faith, or having someone tell you what you should believe and do, most people would choose the later. I realized this about myself some time ago. It wasn’t until after college did I final start to seek things about faith for myself and not rely on my very knowledgeable earthly father.

My dad has been to a great seminary, he has a wonderful education and insight. He knows the truth and seeks to dispense it as best he can. When I was growing up, he was that mentor/guide for me. I would go to him with any question or issue that had come into my life and he would tell me what I believed. I didn’t mind and neither did he, but when I grew up, nothing made sense because I had not sought the knowledge from the source. My understanding was based on my dad. All of it was probably right, but that didn’t matter because I didn’t really believe it.

Because of my short comings, I don’t want others around me, especially young men and women, to make the same mistakes, which brings me to my mission/purpose. What is my mission? Ultimately it is to know God fully and see the world come to know God also. I know that is a very broad mission, but I think I will stick with it. If I refine it and narrow it then it is possible that I will lose sight of it. Lose sight of my first love.

Can I have such a broad mission? Part of me doesn’t think so. I don’t know why, nobody has told me otherwise, but I haven’t really asked. My life’s next step is to complete the Young Life application and work towards being on staff. I am pretty sure that somewhere in the application process, they are going to ask me to make a mission statement and the other things that go along with that. Can something that simple be my mission statement? I hope so, but doubt it. Life is not that simple. Life requires that you have complicated, deep, challenging ideals and philosophies that no one else understands. You have to be unique and complex otherwise you will be seen as inferior. You have to have specific goals because if you don’t have goals, how will you know when you achieve them? “It is not a game unless somebody wins!” I said that just yesterday so I know I believe it somewhere in the recesses of my mind.

Written July 6th

All of these thoughts stem from my last two weeks spent in Italy. Down there I was the leader for eight guys, five the first week and three the second. All of the guys knew of Jesus Christ at least in their heads. They had some sort of church back ground or previous encounter. This is significant because Italy Beach Break is very much an out-reach camp. Its focus is on kids that don’t know Jesus from Jordan, Michael. The activities, program, and talks are all focused on those kids. My eight guys had heard everything said those weeks before. Most of them had been to that exact camp before. When the topic of the day was how we are designed to be in a relationship with God, my guys where like, “duh!” This camp and many like it across the States and the globe are tried and true, their methods have been refined so that a leader of kids can very easily present the information and guide them. My situation was different but not unique. With my guys, it was less following the script, but challenging them to take the next step.

Church kids I understand. Being one, I can look them in the face and understand if they really believe what they know. So with eight “church” kids I went off script and tried to get them to go the next step. Did it work? Ask them in twenty years.

So here is where my question about my mission comes from. God obviously allowed the paths of each of our individual lives to proceed in His plan for His glory. The blind dude in John 9 was blind so that the glory of God would be revealed. God obviously gave me a history for a purpose. Was that purpose, is my mission to kids like me, “churched?” The first week in Italy, I had kids I knew and the “churched” ones worked best. The second week was an unknown but they ended up being the same type. Different issues and at different place, but still the same challenge was laid down. Coincidence, I think not! But I am not sure.

Here is where I end. This blog will probably never be read to this point because we are a generation that can’t stay focused for more than a few minutes. If anyone did get this far, bravo!!! Maybe I will tell you about the details of the two weeks: The ocean, Waterpark, Cinque Terre, and Pisa. Probably not. Just know that it was great. Glorious to be exact.

If you don’t hear from me for another couple weeks, it is because I am off traveling around South East Europe. I will be in touch with how things are going. I promise.

Until then and tomorrow.

Jason

Day 115: Hello isn't that easy

Here it is finally. For all my fans benefit, I have taken the time to download all the necessary programs that will allow me to post pictures.

Here is my first picture using all these new programs. As you can tell, I couldn't figure it out immediately, but then it turns out I did, but I didn't know it.

Anyway, I got to run, but before I do I just wanted to comment on this picture and the german culture. Germans Rock!! Only in Germany can you find a sign that makes sure you know what way you are going and that going the other way is the other direction. Well, I am off to get me butt kicked in War Craft III.


OK, I figured it out.

Until then and tomorrow.

Jason

Lets try this again 

Here is a test of Picasa, BloggerBot, and Hello. If this picture goes through, then I will post more. 

Day 115: Tapering off!

I am trying to process and write down some thoughts from the last two weeks. There are about 40 emails in my in box that I need to respond to. The Clay’s house is full of entertaining things like DVDs, Internet (like the one on I am right now), music, food, quiet, aloneness, books, and all sorts of places to explore. Oh, by the way. I am staying at the Clay’s house for the next few nights. Corrigan Clay is down in Italy, Shelley and their daughter, Keziah are both in the States which means that I have the run of the house. It also means that no one is a round to tell me to do or not do anything in particular. I am suffering from a lack of…

Jocelyn Cary left a picture album in the basement of the Swope’s house. While I was down there collecting my stuff in preparation for the move to the Clay’s, the album proved too much temptation and I flipped through it. Jocelyn had added pictures of her graduation from Wheaton College in Illinois and the following summer in Alaska. On one of the pages, a sticker was placed off to one side. It was small and the words on it where short, but they said a lot. Those words are my theme for the next three weeks.

“Start slow & taper off.”

That should be a theme for most people’s lives. We are much to rushed, Americans at least. The Italians know how to do it, so do the Spanish. Spain invented the Siesta. America, like it has done with ever other aspect of the world’s culture, should adopt that part of it too. There is a great Calvin and Hobbes strip that captures this idea perfectly. Calvin is standing at the bus stop with Hobbes at his side. He is, of course, complaining. This time it is about the pace of life and how unhealthy it is. Calvin says that he should be able to start the day out with a cup of coffee, a nice leisurely breakfast, the morning paper. Ease into the day. Hobbes points out that the morning would be lost and it would be noon before he knew it. Calvin responses,”Right, and then it is time to kick back for a siesta and start planning the evening meal.” I am all for that.

Take now! It is just past 2pm. I am sitting at the couch typing this post. My morning started around 0930 with a bowl of Raisin Bran, glass of not from concentrate OJ, and two extra strength non-aspirin pain relievers (I will explain those later). Following a delicious and healthy breakfast, I moved into a QQT (Quality Quiet Time) with Jesus. He and I chatted for a couple hours, laundry got done then also. I actually started the laundry last night, but German washers and dryers take so long that I wasn’t able to finish it then. Now I am enjoying another delectable meal, PB&J, but not just any J. I bought some Raspberry preserves at the commissary yesterday and was pretty happy about that, but this morning I made a grand discovery. While I was out back sitting in the sun enjoying the QQT, I noticed the fence line contained some large green leafed vines with small red things attached all over. After a closer examination, I realized that the neighbors behind the Clay’s house had a wonderful garden and their raspberry plants had grown large and over the fence. The delectable little morsels had made their way into “my” yard and hence, based on the rules of possession, became “mine”. I picked them and am now enjoying J with fresh raspberries mixed in. It is glorious.

In my attempt to start slow and taper off, I have pretty much accomplished everything I want to today. If I feel up to it, I might join some of the guys for a LAN party, but only if I feel like getting my but kicked in War Craft III. If I don’t go and do that, then I will probably just hang out here, reply to some mail and watch a few movies. Oh, and watch Stage II of the Tour de Lance.

Did I tell you guys of my plans that fell through? I was hoping to make a quick road trip into France and watch Lance on his final ride. That isn’t going to happen, (tears roll at this point) so instead I am going to make every effort to watch them on the TV and cheer loudly when he spirits through Germany during Stages 7 and 8.

Here is a good place for the story to end, but I plan on continuing my time at the computer so another post will follow shortly.

Until then and tomorrow.

Jason

Day 106: Italy 2 1/2

There are 48 straight hours between MCYM Italy Beach Breaks. The busses and kids left last night after club, most of them at least. The next set does not arrive until tomorrow night. 48 glorious hours. It isn't like I am dreading this next week, or even wishing it wasn't, it is just that I really need some time away. This blog is part of my time away.

The Camp Darby library is open from 1000 hours until 1900. I will probably spend the majority of that time here. If for no reason other than the fact that it has air conditioning. This part of Italy can be described as warm. Not hot, just warm. I am enjoying the warmth, but just like most other humans, I long for what I don't have. Here, I don't have A/C.

Once again, there is so much to say that I can't begin. I keep sneeking away from this blog to look at other people's blogs. That leads to other people's blogs, and more people's and more and then I have spent all my computer time reading and not writing. Here are some of the blogs I hit:

Tiff's - nothing new.
Robb's - he is dating now, good job, I think
Adam's - too much to read
Cat's - still can't understand her
Justin's - sorry buddy, stupid article, didn't finish it
Jenn's - I spent most of my time there. It is weird to see more about a person through their blogs, but you get an even deeper insight from the comments left. I don't know Jenn that well, a few months, and the context that I know her in is Heidelberg, MCYM, Italy, Europe. She actually has friends in Ohio. Don't be offended Jenn, but it didn't hit me until just now.

I am curious how much I don't know about a lot of people now. We humans have such a small perspective of everyone else around us. I have thought about this before, but this week I was thinking about the relationship that God has with each of us. Let me put it in context.

This last week was spent with about 350 other people. Going into the week, I knew say 50 of them. That meant that there were 300 new people that I had the opportunity, if I chose to, to meet and build a relationship with. I started the week slowly, but then decided to get to know the names of the work staff. Twenty High School and College aged kids. I know all their names now, a little about some of them, nothing about some of them, and less than I want to about all of them. Of the 200+ campers, I met and know the names of maybe 25 above the 60 from Heidelberg. Including the other staff and volunteers from around Europe, I began new relationships or grew old ones with maybe 150 people this last week. These 150 relationships are all at different levels and all require different amounts of personal energy, but the key is, all require some energy. Heck, just remembering some of the names is stressful enough. Now, at the end of the week, you can stick a fork in me because I am done.

150 relationships and I am tapped completely dry. My question, or maybe not so much a question as a statement of awe is, "How does God do it?" He knows everyone, and more than just our names. He has a relationship with each human soul on this earth and with bllions of people that used to be on this earth. Amazing!! I am stretched and moved by each person that I meet and know. I am a unique individual with each person I know. Not because who I am changes, but the different aspects of who I am comes out uniquely to each individual person. If God really does have a relationship with each of us, then that alone would make Him a pretty powerful dude.

This next week is going to be especially draining because I basically have to start over. Besides the 20 work staff guys and gals, I won't know anyone and will have to build all new realtionships. Scary? No! Just tiring to think about. Which I am going to stop doing now.

I would write more about all that happened last week, but not yet. Partly because I am still processing all that happened. Hopefully tomorrow when the library is open from 1100 till 1700, I will be able to write more.

I have asked this before, and it caused a bit of a stir. I don't mean to do it again, cause a stir that is, but I am asking for prayer. I am tired, as previously alluded to, and next week is more of the same. In fact, I am going to sign off and go sit by the pool.

Until then and tomorrow.

Jason