I wasn’t going to write anything tonight, but then I realized that today has been a very unique day. Today has been a down day. After 72 days of fun and joy and excitement, I have now had a down day. I wasn’t going to write for just that reason. I really didn’t feel up to saying anything, but then that is when I most need to say something.
Today’s downness started yesterday and the day began on a bad foot early. I stayed up too late. I didn’t go to bed until 0130 this morning. If I had a good reason, that hour wouldn’t be anything to talk about, but I stayed up watching TV. TV of all things. I hate TV, but am seriously addicted to it. I don’t own a TV, don’t like them around, but if one is around then I will watch it. It is stupid I know, but that is one of my many faults. And it isn’t like I watch anything interesting or informative. In fact, I spend most of my time watching nothing, just endless hours of channel surfing because there is never anything on. It really is stupid and that is why I hate it so much.
So, I stayed up late then got up relatively early and really tired. I fixed a good breakfast, hash browns, sausage, and eggs over medium. Everything had cheese smothering it. It was a good breakfast. That was the up side of the day. When the best part of a day is over by 0900, know it is going to be a bad day. The plan was to leave St. Andrews and make it up to the Orkney Islands for a couple days before heading back to London and then Germany. I figured it was a short train ride up to the islands so I didn’t rush out of town. The Post Office was selling a phone card that had free calls back to the States on Saturdays. I picked one of those up and some stamps. Then it was off to the library for a quick email. The last thing I wanted to do was buy some post cards and walk by the Old Course one last time. I did all that, though the post cards I wanted could only be found on the other side of town. That was a little discouraging.
It was noon before I finally make it to the train station. I enquire of the ticket guy about a train to Thurso and discover at that point that I am not going to make it to the Islands. That was depressing because I was really looking forward to them. Tonight I am staying in Thurso itself and practically speaking going to the islands is just not going to work. But back in St. Andrews, I am now looking at about 9 hours of traveling. I didn’t mind because it was an opportunity to catch up on sleep, writing, post cards, reading the bible, and a myriad of other things that had been neglected. Before the first train, a call to the parents is in order. The free call back to the states means that I should be able to talk with them during all my stops. I was excited about that. But 20 minutes into the first call, the phone card runs out of time. What I didn’t know was that the stupid pay phones I had access to charge me money and nullify the free call. I was so looking forward to talking with my parents; instead I lose 5 pounds and only get 20 minutes of talk time. Again, I am depressed.
On the train, I am planning on writing some post cards and also getting on my laptop for some extra writing. It was to work out fine because the trains have a place I can plug my computer in so I don’t have to run off of the battery. Sometime into the train ride, I go to pull my computer out and realize that I left the plug adapter back at the last hostel. Attached to the plug adapter is my camera’s battery charger and battery. Great, one more thing left behind, this one essential and irreplaceable. More depressed. I am now thinking about how I have to go back to St. Andrew in the next couple days to get it, which means I have to leave that much earlier; I am not going to the Orkney Islands now for sure; I am being stupid and leaving stuff behind; for a short time I thought I had left my jacket on a previous train. Remember that my jacket carries all my identification and money. (Maybe I should think about putting that stuff somewhere else?) I am tired, hungry, confused, missing my parents, lonely, and just plan depressed. This is a bad day. And it is only the afternoon.
The train pulls into Thurso at 2100. It is a short walk to the hostel and I sign in for my room. Considering my new timeline, it makes sense to just stay here for two nights and then leave early on the 23rd. Sure, but this hostel is booked for tomorrow night. I will now be getting up early again to check out and find another place to stay when all I really want to do is go home. More depressed. Lastly, I do find a phone that allows me to call the states for free. I call and talk with my dad. Normally, that would be a very up lifting time, but dad is having some issues so he and I talk about them and the whole conversation is just more depressing for me.
It is late and I am sitting in bed, typing this out on my computer that is powered by the ever diminishing battery. I am really tired. On top of everything else about today that was depressing, the biggest thing that I left out was that my soul has a weight of sin on it. The sin is the real issue about today’s depression. I left the sin part out because I just don’t know all of you that well, but now it is out there and that is that. I am not going to tell you what the sin is, but feel free to pray for me regardless. Hopefully by the time I actually get this to the web this weight will have passed, but regardless you can still pray.
Thanks
Until then and tomorrow.
Jason
PS If I haven’t talked about “Blue Like Jazz”, by Don Miller, I need to because it is a great book. I will, but mostly you all just need to read it.
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Sorry to hear that you were depressed. If one person can bounce back quickly, it's you, though, so I'm sure you're chipper now.
ReplyDeleteAnd you don't need anyone to pray for you, Jason. No matter what the imagined gravity of this "sin" that you've done, your ethical and moral standards are of such a high level that you don't need help.
In my mind, the only people who need someone to pray for them are those who are ignorant or uncaring of what they've done or are doing wrong.
You can count on my prayers...anytime!
ReplyDeleteP.S. It might be important to note that I don't exactly agree with the last posted response on your blog. I just don't want you to think that I see you as somone who is "ignorant or uncaring of what they've done or are doing." Instead, I see that prayer is a powerful thing!
Ill definately be praying for you too! I agree with anne.
ReplyDeleteTo clarify my statement:
ReplyDeleteSomeone with Jason's integrity, moral character and strong ethical standards does not need someone else to pray for him. If/when he does anything that might be considered wrong or a sin, he realizes it and would ask for forgiveness himself.
In my opinion, the only people who need someone to pray for them are people who don't know they're doing anything wrong, or don't care. Those are people who aren't able to fend for themselves and need the help of someone else praying on their behalf.
So, as a result, I trust in Jason's ability to recognize and identify things that he think he has done wrong, and respond with his own prayers and receive absolution by himself.
Thanks Erika! :)
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