My brother calls me this morning and asks if I had heard about dad.
What about him?
I just called mom and she couldn't talk because she is taking him to the hospital, he is having chest pains, it's pretty serious.
What? Where are they? Hold on, let me call mom and put her on three-way.
Mom, this is Jason
I can't talk right now I am trying to listen to the nurse, I will call you back, bye.
And then there was nothing. Talk about rocking your world? Sitting in the Revolutions coffee shop, across the street from Greg's, I just start to cry. I couldn't hold them back. I get back on the phone with Justin and we connect with Tiffany and Jared. The four of us kids talk for a while, Tiffany prays, I cry.
I guess there has just been a lot going on in my head. Reading this book about dads and brothers, football and what it means to be a man is just working me over and then this. Here was the worst thought too. My dad turns 60 this year, his dad died when he was 64, when my dad was 30, the same age as I am right now. I was just kept imagining my dad dying. It could happen, it will happen, and with that I will be worthless for a long time. I love my dad.
So what do you do when mortality hits you like it did me this morning? I don't know, move closer so that you can spend more time together. I love the quote from the song "Wear Sunscreen",
"Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future."
I am going to take her advice. I just ordered this book, Questions for My Father: Finding the Man Behind Your Dad, we will see if it is any good. I'll let you know.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Oh, and dad is fine. They are holding him over night at the hospital for test and just to be careful. The docs haven't ruled out a heart attack, but they feel it is unlikely. Probably the Mexican food.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Friday, July 7, 2006
A window?
The choice—swim or blog? The answer is clear. Now you may be asking why not both? Well that is because I have somewhere to be in less than an hour. Actually the blog happened because I forgot that I also needed to go to the store before my 7:00 engagement, so swimming was really out of the question. SO lets get to the blog.
On the bus riding home from work, I sat across from this girl. She was cute. We kept stealing glances at each other. I would catch her looking at me, and she I. Each time either of our eyes would dart away avoiding any sort of eye contact. It wasn’t a big deal, I mean it didn’t happen more than three or four times over the course of the 30 minute ride. Here is my question: Why?
Why did both of us want to watch the other, but neither wanted to actually interact? One thought comes from another’s idea I recall. The eyes are the window to the soul. So much can be learned from the intent gaze of another and there is vulnerability in that. Next time you are around a child of less than one year observe. They will stare intently into your eyes. No blinking, no hint of shame or embarrassment, only pure intrigue. They have not yet grown to doubt themselves and question the motives of this world. Maybe that is what He means when He says, “faith like a child?”
If the eyes are the window to our soul, then it is understandable that those who think their soul something to hide would cast their eyes to the ground and shun the possibility that another person could access that part of their existence. I find that disturbing and sad but at the same time, understandable. We are all hiding something.
Well, that is all I have for now, off to a Bar-B-Q. I wonder what souls will be seen tonight.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
On the bus riding home from work, I sat across from this girl. She was cute. We kept stealing glances at each other. I would catch her looking at me, and she I. Each time either of our eyes would dart away avoiding any sort of eye contact. It wasn’t a big deal, I mean it didn’t happen more than three or four times over the course of the 30 minute ride. Here is my question: Why?
Why did both of us want to watch the other, but neither wanted to actually interact? One thought comes from another’s idea I recall. The eyes are the window to the soul. So much can be learned from the intent gaze of another and there is vulnerability in that. Next time you are around a child of less than one year observe. They will stare intently into your eyes. No blinking, no hint of shame or embarrassment, only pure intrigue. They have not yet grown to doubt themselves and question the motives of this world. Maybe that is what He means when He says, “faith like a child?”
If the eyes are the window to our soul, then it is understandable that those who think their soul something to hide would cast their eyes to the ground and shun the possibility that another person could access that part of their existence. I find that disturbing and sad but at the same time, understandable. We are all hiding something.
Well, that is all I have for now, off to a Bar-B-Q. I wonder what souls will be seen tonight.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Previously Written
11:00 pm Tuesday night. Haven’t slept in 41 hours. Tired. I should be in bed asleep. It will be interesting to see if I can in the coming hours because there are limits to ones human ability. Today was enlightening, however, because in a very real way God answered a prayer. Over the last few weeks I have found it difficult to function near the end of the work day, after a short 7 or 8 hours, even with a normal amount of rest. Going into today I knew that I wasn’t going to make it unless He provided the strength. Leaning into Him, the work got done. Even now, my mind brings me to this post instead of a shower and pillow.
In the last 41 hours I have had two humbling conversations. My question is, “I wonder what God is up to in all of this?” I do know that He is frustratingly answering my prayers and yours. Remember those relational reconciliation requests, hence forth to be known as triple r’s? Well, true to Himself, God is faithful. Sometimes I just wish He wouldn’t be so faithful all at once.
My triple r’s are still there, please continue to pray, though not so often this time. Maybe cut back to interceding for me every other time you pray.
In other things, God is faithful. Oh, wait, said that already! I mean, He is though. The next big step in my part of the equation is to put on paper my vision as God has revealed it. This was a daunting task as that vision, in Young Life’s eyes, should be attractive, colorful, with pictures and good graphics. Not being the artistic type, I am less than confident of my abilities to produce something of quality. Sunday as I was talking with one of the other guys I serve with at church, the topic of his going to school in graphic arts came up. He pointed to a pamphlet he recently designed for this other ministry. Jumping on that, I asked if he would like to help me create the same. Enthusiastically he said yes. One less hurdle to cross and excuse to use. God is frustratingly faithful.
Now let’s try that sleep thing.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
In the last 41 hours I have had two humbling conversations. My question is, “I wonder what God is up to in all of this?” I do know that He is frustratingly answering my prayers and yours. Remember those relational reconciliation requests, hence forth to be known as triple r’s? Well, true to Himself, God is faithful. Sometimes I just wish He wouldn’t be so faithful all at once.
My triple r’s are still there, please continue to pray, though not so often this time. Maybe cut back to interceding for me every other time you pray.
In other things, God is faithful. Oh, wait, said that already! I mean, He is though. The next big step in my part of the equation is to put on paper my vision as God has revealed it. This was a daunting task as that vision, in Young Life’s eyes, should be attractive, colorful, with pictures and good graphics. Not being the artistic type, I am less than confident of my abilities to produce something of quality. Sunday as I was talking with one of the other guys I serve with at church, the topic of his going to school in graphic arts came up. He pointed to a pamphlet he recently designed for this other ministry. Jumping on that, I asked if he would like to help me create the same. Enthusiastically he said yes. One less hurdle to cross and excuse to use. God is frustratingly faithful.
Now let’s try that sleep thing.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Sunday, June 4, 2006
What is Next?
I shaved my legs yesterday. What, isn’t that normal? No, really I did. See this morning was my season’s first triathlon and I wanted to test the no hairy legs option for the race. Its value in reducing wind drag is yet to be determined, but it does look funny. We will see what the massage therapist thinks this afternoon. It should help in that department.
But this post is not about triathlons, or shaved legs, or massages. It is an update as to where I am going, or more specifically, where God is taking me.
As some of you may know, I have been planning on moving to Europe to work with the teenagers of our military families. You all should remember my travels last year in Europe and the military ministry that I volunteered for. I am pretty sure that I also have been mentioning my continuing application process with Young Life International and where that is going. Well, the next step has taken place. Two weeks ago, I was down in Colorado Springs and was officially accepted by MCYM (Military Community Youth Ministries). What this means is that all the blocks have been checked, all the hoops jumped through, all the skeletons laid to rest and I am moving forward, full speed ahead, to be in Europe by the first part of next year. Allow me to expound.
A good starting point is the summer of 2000. I worked as the TCL (Training in Christian Living) Projects Coordinator for Lakeside Bible Camp (LBC). Prior to that, an Internet company occupied my day but my heart knew there was so much more. Maybe I should go back even further. (maybe not, I am writing a blog not a book) No, I will start with TCL. At LBC, for probably the first time, I really served my God. I had done things at various churches all growing up, but I can barely say I was a Christian, let alone a faithful servant. For the first time at camp, I gave my whole life to Jesus. He had it all. Working with teenagers, modeling Christ, working hard as an example and sharing His love eclipsed anything in my previous 24 years. A seed was planted; the thirst, ever so slightly quenched, called out to a longing in my heart and revealed so subtly what God had in store. That summer started it. And then the Army came calling.
The Army is a good thing. I don’t say it came calling like it interrupted the growth of that planted seed. It came calling to reveal its part in God’s plan. Did I know that at the time, no! Were there times in the Army that I questioned my place, doubted my resolve, worried about a wasted life, yes! See in my heart there has been a continued personal conflict. A paradox. I finally, after years of running from God, give Him everything, or at least think I do, and with that I found an amazing peace and joy. When I begin my military service, I find another purpose, a different sort of peace and joy, another passion. So there I was, these two passions before me: A life serving Christ and a life serving my country. The next five years were a blur.
James 1:6 talks about the surface of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. It does not know where it is going; only that forces outside itself give it direction. The sea is compared with a man who doubts. I was that man. On any given day, my two passions would collide. I could not see 1. How God could use those two passions together and 2. Why He had given me both of them. They seemed mutually exclusive. I could either do one or the other, but not both and certainly not both simultaneously. So I spend five years searching for the perfect job. Fast forward to last year.
It is the winter of 2004-2005. My army unit has recently returned from over a year in the desert and 9 months later I am still on Active Duty for various reasons. Still searching, I apply for various government jobs, consider staying in the Army, and generally am flailing about with the wind. My prayers to Jesus are strong and consistent, “What do you have for me?” Looking back it seems so obvious what His answers are, but at that time, I either wasn’t listening or didn’t comprehend. My time on Active Duty is coming to an end and it is clear that my work with the Army is doing the same. Again, I look back and am amazed by God’s timing. As I mentioned I had applied with some other government agencies. I am anxiously awaiting replies when the Active Duty releases me. Having not heard anything except “no’s”, and with no job or ties holding me back, I begin the long vacation traveling the world, the plan for which had been two years in the making.
It is the middle of Montana, March 7th, 2005. Driving to my brother’s place in Havre, I have listened to probably my 3rd or 4th Mars Hill sermon when an idea hits me. I remember the date because of this blog, “In the beginning…Day 1”. The idea I was talking about is that of going into full-time ministry. God was being very convincing that day and my first inclination was to plant a church. Mars Hill is big into church planting, hence my idea to plant a church. The thing is even before March 7th, I knew that God had His ministry in my future, but for what ever reason, I was too stubborn or too scared to admit it and follow Him completely. I said I had given Him everything back in 2000, but I see now I hadn’t. I realize today that the surrendering of a life is a process that doesn’t just happen in an instant. It has a starting point followed by years and years of small, sometimes infinitesimal, changes.
Leaving my brothers and continuing my vacation, I am struck with this new idea and consider turning my car around, going back to Seattle and following that idea. I was excited. There was something about that calling that felt undeniable, but still some uncertainty weighed in my heart. What does full-time ministry look like for me? I continued the vacation, the biggest reason was a commitment I had previously made to a friend and a ministry called Club Beyond to be a leader at a service project the next month. Fast forward to next month.
April 2005, Slovakia, MCYM service project.
Here is where God lays it all out on the table. He shows me a place that brings together both of my passions, serving Him and serving my country. I had doubted God but shouldn’t have. If you don’t already know what MCYM is then you need to check out this site, http://www.mcym.org/. All of the nuts and bolts are there. Too lazy to read. Cliff notes follow.
MCYM was started back in the 80’s by a Young Life guy that noticed a total lack of spiritual ministry to the teenagers of our military families stationed overseas. MCYM has helped to fill that role by bringing together numerous youth organizations like, Young Life and Youth For Christ to facilitate youth ministry. It works with the Chaplains of the military, to communicate the love of Jesus Christ in understandable terms; essentially it is the youth pastors to the military.
When I found out that MCYM existed, everything started to make sense. I understood why God had placed me in the Army, why I had moved around a lot as a kid, why I still loved to travel and longed to live overseas, why I had a passion for raising up young men to love Jesus and grow to be more like Him, and why I had gone to college and graduated with a BS in Chemical Engineering (OK, maybe that last one isn’t so clear yet, but it will be; God has miraculously used everything else so He must have a reason for that too.)
If you are still reading this, I congratulate you. Brevity is not my strong suit, but I am working on it. Trust me when I say this could have been much, much longer. You should now have a clearer picture of where I am going. My plan of now is to leave for the ministry in December. So much has to happen before that so be praying. Pray specifically for:
A pastor and church. My current church is Mars Hill. It would make since that it would be the answer to this first prayer but not necessarily. I have been going to Mars Hill for almost 9 months, not a lot of time to develop strong ties and so maybe God has something else. Though, He brought me to MH for a reason, He just hasn’t told me yet.
Relationships – Both new and growing ones, and old and broken ones.
My current job – They have always known that I wasn’t going to be there forever, but now the reality of my leaving will be in the forefront of our interactions. That could bring strife and misunderstandings. Pray that I will be above reproach in all my actions and give them 100% of my efforts while on the job. I can’t afford to steal their time and tarnish the work of Jesus in me.
Thank you for your prayers and time. If you can’t tell, I am excited. I imagine that much news will continue to follow. Maybe I will start this blog back up. Maybe?
I was going to leave you with some cheesy blessing, telling you to go in peace, be well, and cap it off with a motivational bible verse like Isaiah 6:8, but that is totally cliché, and humbly speaking, I am above that.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
But this post is not about triathlons, or shaved legs, or massages. It is an update as to where I am going, or more specifically, where God is taking me.
As some of you may know, I have been planning on moving to Europe to work with the teenagers of our military families. You all should remember my travels last year in Europe and the military ministry that I volunteered for. I am pretty sure that I also have been mentioning my continuing application process with Young Life International and where that is going. Well, the next step has taken place. Two weeks ago, I was down in Colorado Springs and was officially accepted by MCYM (Military Community Youth Ministries). What this means is that all the blocks have been checked, all the hoops jumped through, all the skeletons laid to rest and I am moving forward, full speed ahead, to be in Europe by the first part of next year. Allow me to expound.
A good starting point is the summer of 2000. I worked as the TCL (Training in Christian Living) Projects Coordinator for Lakeside Bible Camp (LBC). Prior to that, an Internet company occupied my day but my heart knew there was so much more. Maybe I should go back even further. (maybe not, I am writing a blog not a book) No, I will start with TCL. At LBC, for probably the first time, I really served my God. I had done things at various churches all growing up, but I can barely say I was a Christian, let alone a faithful servant. For the first time at camp, I gave my whole life to Jesus. He had it all. Working with teenagers, modeling Christ, working hard as an example and sharing His love eclipsed anything in my previous 24 years. A seed was planted; the thirst, ever so slightly quenched, called out to a longing in my heart and revealed so subtly what God had in store. That summer started it. And then the Army came calling.
The Army is a good thing. I don’t say it came calling like it interrupted the growth of that planted seed. It came calling to reveal its part in God’s plan. Did I know that at the time, no! Were there times in the Army that I questioned my place, doubted my resolve, worried about a wasted life, yes! See in my heart there has been a continued personal conflict. A paradox. I finally, after years of running from God, give Him everything, or at least think I do, and with that I found an amazing peace and joy. When I begin my military service, I find another purpose, a different sort of peace and joy, another passion. So there I was, these two passions before me: A life serving Christ and a life serving my country. The next five years were a blur.
James 1:6 talks about the surface of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. It does not know where it is going; only that forces outside itself give it direction. The sea is compared with a man who doubts. I was that man. On any given day, my two passions would collide. I could not see 1. How God could use those two passions together and 2. Why He had given me both of them. They seemed mutually exclusive. I could either do one or the other, but not both and certainly not both simultaneously. So I spend five years searching for the perfect job. Fast forward to last year.
It is the winter of 2004-2005. My army unit has recently returned from over a year in the desert and 9 months later I am still on Active Duty for various reasons. Still searching, I apply for various government jobs, consider staying in the Army, and generally am flailing about with the wind. My prayers to Jesus are strong and consistent, “What do you have for me?” Looking back it seems so obvious what His answers are, but at that time, I either wasn’t listening or didn’t comprehend. My time on Active Duty is coming to an end and it is clear that my work with the Army is doing the same. Again, I look back and am amazed by God’s timing. As I mentioned I had applied with some other government agencies. I am anxiously awaiting replies when the Active Duty releases me. Having not heard anything except “no’s”, and with no job or ties holding me back, I begin the long vacation traveling the world, the plan for which had been two years in the making.
It is the middle of Montana, March 7th, 2005. Driving to my brother’s place in Havre, I have listened to probably my 3rd or 4th Mars Hill sermon when an idea hits me. I remember the date because of this blog, “In the beginning…Day 1”. The idea I was talking about is that of going into full-time ministry. God was being very convincing that day and my first inclination was to plant a church. Mars Hill is big into church planting, hence my idea to plant a church. The thing is even before March 7th, I knew that God had His ministry in my future, but for what ever reason, I was too stubborn or too scared to admit it and follow Him completely. I said I had given Him everything back in 2000, but I see now I hadn’t. I realize today that the surrendering of a life is a process that doesn’t just happen in an instant. It has a starting point followed by years and years of small, sometimes infinitesimal, changes.
Leaving my brothers and continuing my vacation, I am struck with this new idea and consider turning my car around, going back to Seattle and following that idea. I was excited. There was something about that calling that felt undeniable, but still some uncertainty weighed in my heart. What does full-time ministry look like for me? I continued the vacation, the biggest reason was a commitment I had previously made to a friend and a ministry called Club Beyond to be a leader at a service project the next month. Fast forward to next month.
April 2005, Slovakia, MCYM service project.
Here is where God lays it all out on the table. He shows me a place that brings together both of my passions, serving Him and serving my country. I had doubted God but shouldn’t have. If you don’t already know what MCYM is then you need to check out this site, http://www.mcym.org/. All of the nuts and bolts are there. Too lazy to read. Cliff notes follow.
MCYM was started back in the 80’s by a Young Life guy that noticed a total lack of spiritual ministry to the teenagers of our military families stationed overseas. MCYM has helped to fill that role by bringing together numerous youth organizations like, Young Life and Youth For Christ to facilitate youth ministry. It works with the Chaplains of the military, to communicate the love of Jesus Christ in understandable terms; essentially it is the youth pastors to the military.
When I found out that MCYM existed, everything started to make sense. I understood why God had placed me in the Army, why I had moved around a lot as a kid, why I still loved to travel and longed to live overseas, why I had a passion for raising up young men to love Jesus and grow to be more like Him, and why I had gone to college and graduated with a BS in Chemical Engineering (OK, maybe that last one isn’t so clear yet, but it will be; God has miraculously used everything else so He must have a reason for that too.)
If you are still reading this, I congratulate you. Brevity is not my strong suit, but I am working on it. Trust me when I say this could have been much, much longer. You should now have a clearer picture of where I am going. My plan of now is to leave for the ministry in December. So much has to happen before that so be praying. Pray specifically for:
A pastor and church. My current church is Mars Hill. It would make since that it would be the answer to this first prayer but not necessarily. I have been going to Mars Hill for almost 9 months, not a lot of time to develop strong ties and so maybe God has something else. Though, He brought me to MH for a reason, He just hasn’t told me yet.
Relationships – Both new and growing ones, and old and broken ones.
My current job – They have always known that I wasn’t going to be there forever, but now the reality of my leaving will be in the forefront of our interactions. That could bring strife and misunderstandings. Pray that I will be above reproach in all my actions and give them 100% of my efforts while on the job. I can’t afford to steal their time and tarnish the work of Jesus in me.
Thank you for your prayers and time. If you can’t tell, I am excited. I imagine that much news will continue to follow. Maybe I will start this blog back up. Maybe?
I was going to leave you with some cheesy blessing, telling you to go in peace, be well, and cap it off with a motivational bible verse like Isaiah 6:8, but that is totally cliché, and humbly speaking, I am above that.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Not thing here? Where?
When everything seems right, what's wrong?
I feel like I want to write something, but I am not.
It has been a long time and maybe everyone is thinking that I am starting to lighten up, starting to dwell on the world a little less, and maybe that is the case, but I doubt it.
Maybe I am so consumed by thoughts and a journey so completely unknown that there are no knew words in my head overflowing into expression.
The other day I made a few decisions. Not a big deal for most, but here it's rather large.
What is the next thing that happens?
A cross roads. I go back, I question.
Now, do I stick with the first, or fall for the second?
When life seemed comprehensible, it gets turned over.
When life seems like it is moving forward, it gets a flat tire.
Fat Tire.
Let's drive on in the darkness, let's see what is around the next corner.
Let's follow the blind man, let's meet his maker.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
I feel like I want to write something, but I am not.
It has been a long time and maybe everyone is thinking that I am starting to lighten up, starting to dwell on the world a little less, and maybe that is the case, but I doubt it.
Maybe I am so consumed by thoughts and a journey so completely unknown that there are no knew words in my head overflowing into expression.
The other day I made a few decisions. Not a big deal for most, but here it's rather large.
What is the next thing that happens?
A cross roads. I go back, I question.
Now, do I stick with the first, or fall for the second?
When life seemed comprehensible, it gets turned over.
When life seems like it is moving forward, it gets a flat tire.
Fat Tire.
Let's drive on in the darkness, let's see what is around the next corner.
Let's follow the blind man, let's meet his maker.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Narcissism at its best.
Somehow I missed this post on Adam's blog, but after he put up the results, I went back, added my 2 cents and am copying his thing.
So below are two links, one for good attributes of yours truly, one for bad. Follow the links below, the rest is self explanatory.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=jhaggard76
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=jhaggard76
Enjoy, I'll post the results eventually.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
So below are two links, one for good attributes of yours truly, one for bad. Follow the links below, the rest is self explanatory.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=jhaggard76
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=jhaggard76
Enjoy, I'll post the results eventually.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
Sunday, April 2, 2006
It is just me.
I am in a sentimental mood. Sitting at my computer, I some how managed upon my blog. Oh, I remember. I was looking for my Aunt’s email address which I happen to have because of a comment she posted on said blog. After snagging the email and sending off a birthday greetings, I got sucked into the blog and began reading some old posts. One old post leads to another and at this point it has been something like 2 hours. I wonder if it is an ego thing to go back and read things you wrote? I mean, I wrote them, they were my experiences, so why should I need to go back and read them? Well, I can answer that, because I don’t have a perfect memory.
So, I was reading about Europe. Italy, Germany, Ireland. I spent most of my time in Ireland. I love Ireland. Trent, a guy that I was in a small group with at the UCU, is in Ireland right now. North Ireland actually. He is over there studying conflict resolution. I guess if you are talking about conflict, what better place than Belfast? Maybe Israel? Rereading that stuff just got me longing for those days. That was a seriously wonderful time. So much of everything happened. This brings me to today. So much is happening.
I am in a slump though. Emotional slump that is. I like and at the same time don’t like these slumps. They are good because I grow. God uses this time in my life to mold me, and to continually make me into the lovable creature that He desires me to be. That is a good thing in the long run. But in the short run, frankly, it sucks. No one likes to feel down, not me at least.
My emotional rollercoaster is brought to you by relationships. Interestingly, it is relationships with girls. It is always relationships with girls. Yesterday I was stupid. Really, really stupid. I was at work and talking with a friend. The conversation turned bad when she said something, I interpreted it as an attack, I said something back, we got into it and the end result was me calling her stupid, in front of other co-workers. How absolutely idiotic can I be? As soon as the words came out of my mouth I new I was wrong, way wrong. But of course I compound the issue with my dumb pride and can’t apologize, at least not right away. Sitting in church today, I couldn’t get my mind off of it. It was the end of the service and all that came to mind as communion was happening was Matthew 5, the part about not giving your offering when a brother has something against you. I didn’t take communion and instead called my friend in hopes that she will join me for coffee so I can apologize properly. She declined the first white flag and hasn’t returned my second call. I really wish I wouldn’t do stupid things like that.
The second thing that has gotten me all overly introspective is this email I sent the other day. No details here, but it too is waying on my heart. Sometimes it makes me want to really throw in the towel and call it. I could be in Europe right now if I really wanted to be. I think that is another issue all in itself. I’ll work through this one too, and maybe this is the faith that I so long ago was mussing about how to get more of.
Final thought as I get back to preparing for the up coming Bible study. I am leading the UCU bible study starting a week from tomorrow. I have been thinking, praying, studying, and “preparing” for this study for a good two months. More time has been dedicated to this endeavor as the time draws near, but unfortunately I still have not nailed down what I am going to talk about. It is like there is a block in my head that will not allow me to settle on any one topic or passage. It is becoming frustrating. This too, I guess, is adding to my emotional ups and downs. When I think about putting words on paper, I usually end up just praying. I say just like it is a bad thing, I don’t think that, not yet at least.
Finally, finally, I am definitely feeling emotionally drained because for the last few weeks I feel like I am on my own. I am sort of an island in the middle of the ocean. There are people around me, relationships that are happening and, well, growing, I guess, but there is just something inside that is missing.
Wish I knew what that was.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
So, I was reading about Europe. Italy, Germany, Ireland. I spent most of my time in Ireland. I love Ireland. Trent, a guy that I was in a small group with at the UCU, is in Ireland right now. North Ireland actually. He is over there studying conflict resolution. I guess if you are talking about conflict, what better place than Belfast? Maybe Israel? Rereading that stuff just got me longing for those days. That was a seriously wonderful time. So much of everything happened. This brings me to today. So much is happening.
I am in a slump though. Emotional slump that is. I like and at the same time don’t like these slumps. They are good because I grow. God uses this time in my life to mold me, and to continually make me into the lovable creature that He desires me to be. That is a good thing in the long run. But in the short run, frankly, it sucks. No one likes to feel down, not me at least.
My emotional rollercoaster is brought to you by relationships. Interestingly, it is relationships with girls. It is always relationships with girls. Yesterday I was stupid. Really, really stupid. I was at work and talking with a friend. The conversation turned bad when she said something, I interpreted it as an attack, I said something back, we got into it and the end result was me calling her stupid, in front of other co-workers. How absolutely idiotic can I be? As soon as the words came out of my mouth I new I was wrong, way wrong. But of course I compound the issue with my dumb pride and can’t apologize, at least not right away. Sitting in church today, I couldn’t get my mind off of it. It was the end of the service and all that came to mind as communion was happening was Matthew 5, the part about not giving your offering when a brother has something against you. I didn’t take communion and instead called my friend in hopes that she will join me for coffee so I can apologize properly. She declined the first white flag and hasn’t returned my second call. I really wish I wouldn’t do stupid things like that.
The second thing that has gotten me all overly introspective is this email I sent the other day. No details here, but it too is waying on my heart. Sometimes it makes me want to really throw in the towel and call it. I could be in Europe right now if I really wanted to be. I think that is another issue all in itself. I’ll work through this one too, and maybe this is the faith that I so long ago was mussing about how to get more of.
Final thought as I get back to preparing for the up coming Bible study. I am leading the UCU bible study starting a week from tomorrow. I have been thinking, praying, studying, and “preparing” for this study for a good two months. More time has been dedicated to this endeavor as the time draws near, but unfortunately I still have not nailed down what I am going to talk about. It is like there is a block in my head that will not allow me to settle on any one topic or passage. It is becoming frustrating. This too, I guess, is adding to my emotional ups and downs. When I think about putting words on paper, I usually end up just praying. I say just like it is a bad thing, I don’t think that, not yet at least.
Finally, finally, I am definitely feeling emotionally drained because for the last few weeks I feel like I am on my own. I am sort of an island in the middle of the ocean. There are people around me, relationships that are happening and, well, growing, I guess, but there is just something inside that is missing.
Wish I knew what that was.
It is tomorrow.
Jason
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